Tuesday, September 19, 2006

224. point me back to this entry

I can't believe I'll be leaving Hawaii in just about one week.

Earlier today I had my last haircut by my stylist of over ten years. She works at Macy's and she's great if only because I just sit in the chair and she knows exactly what to do. I just tell her "short" or "long" and she has at it. To be completely honest, I first started getting my hair cut by her because she's really cute, but it didn't take long to see that she wielded a mean pair of scissors.

Last haircut. Last full week in Hawaii. I'm sure there'll be lots of lasts in the next few days and it feels really strange. This is by far the biggest life change I've ever taken on and I feel a strange mix of sadness and excitement. Thankfully, fear isn't an emotion I'm wrestling with...at least not yet.

If it were up to me, I'd like to be done with the move already just so that I won't have to go through all the "goodbyes." It would be much easier for me to just make a clean break and be done with it. I try to go out of my way to make people around me feel comfortable, and saying "goodbye" doesn't allow for that. So not only do I have to deal with the sadness of moving away from the people I love, I'll also be repeatedly put into situations where I'll be the cause of discomfort for the very people I try so hard to soothe.

But I have to go. I love Hawaii and my friends here but I know, with a certainty that is rare for me, that I'm supposed to be in Seattle with my band.

I don't talk about it much (probably because I don't like facing it myself), but I don't like big decisions. (And I've never made the connection until now, but I think this is part of the reason why I've been single all these years.) On top of that, there are parts of me that are riddled with self-doubt. I believe this unfortunate combination of personality traits has kept me from fully realizing my potential.

What I'm trying to get at is the idea that this move to Seattle should be so outside of my comfort zone as to be impossible. A life change of this magnitude should not be something I can take on, but I really am looking forward to the move.

I know the main reason I'm comfortable with the move is the fact that I'm not going up alone. I'll have my band mates up there with me, and not just that, but we have a goal to pursue: global musical domination. Having a goal and friends to pursue it with somehow takes a lot of the fear and insecurity out of the equation. Somehow, it makes the things I should be concerned about (job, car, making new friends) seem insignificant. I suppose one or two months from now, I might be in full on freak-out mode trying to make things work, but if you see me post a blog like that, be sure to point me back to this entry.

No comments: