306. spoons and tanks and Bjork

Maybe you’ve heard that story about how the difference between heaven and hell is the way they use their spoons. There are various versions of this story but the basic idea goes like this:

Some guy was given a pass to see into hell and heaven. In his peek into hell, he saw a large round table with a huge, steaming bowl of delicious soup in the middle. All around this table, there were people writhing in the throes of starvation because they had long spoons tied to their arms. The spoons were more than long enough to get to the soup but because of their length and the fact that they were strapped to their arms, they were unable to get any of the soup into their mouths.

So then he gets to peek into heaven and there he sees the identical setup - large round table, big bowl of soup, people with long spoons tied to their arms. But this time, the people were healthy and laughing and having a grand old time.

The guy turns to his guide and asks, "the two visions are the same but why are the people so much healthier and happier in heaven?" The guide replies, "in heaven, the people have learned to feed one another."

I don’t know, I think it’s a cute story. And I’ll admit that it made an impression on me when I first heard it many, many years ago.

But.

But I have to admit that there are times when I wonder when someone will get around to passing a spoon in my direction.

Because for a long time now I feel as if I’ve been doing my best to feed others - to help and to bless in whatever ways I can whenever, wherever I can - but to be honest, there have been many times lately when I feel as if I’ve been running out of empty myself.

A bit of clarification before I go on. I’m nowhere near as empty and broken as I was back in March when I wrote that "running out of empty" post. Big difference between then and now is that I’m not spending all my free time on my band’s CD or trying to plan a speed dating fundraiser. Back then I had zero free time - no time to myself, no time to recharge - it was just go, go, go.

Now? Well, now I actually have the luxury to decide what I want to do with most of my evenings. I’ve started running and biking again (I sold my old bike and bought a used Felt F70).

And so it’s not nearly the same kind of soul-crushing empty of the first half of the year.

But still, empty is empty and frankly, I’ve been somewhat at a loss to know how to replenish myself.

But maybe that’s part of the problem. Maybe "replenish myself" is a contradiction.

Which brings me back to that story about the spoons. I’ve been passing more than my fair share of soup to those around me but it seems to me that there aren’t a lot of spoonfuls coming back my way.

But here’s something I’ve learned about myself recently. I’m not very good at expressing need...because I’m not sure what I need. I’m not an easy person to buy presents for because I don’t know what I want. I’m not an easy person to cheer up because I don’t know what makes me happy.

And I’m very bad at standing up for myself so for the most part, I just don’t.

Ninety-five percent of the time, none of this is a problem because I spend most of my time trying to bless those around me - because if there is something that helps me to feel as if my life has meaning, it’s helping others.

But then what happens when it turns out that I’m the one that needs some help? I don’t know how to ask because I don’t know what I need or what I want.

It’s kind of like this:

There was a repairman who was great at fixing cars. He didn’t have formal training, he just kind of had a knack for it. He wasn’t in business as a repairman, he just made himself available to those around him. Often, when a repair called for a tool that he didn’t have, he’d go out and purchase it for himself. If he came across a repair he didn’t know how to perform, he’d read up on it and learn. He never asked for anything in return for his repairs - the joy of seeing his friends back on the road with functioning vehicles was reward enough.

But then one morning he got into his own car and turned the key but it wouldn’t start. And he couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He thought about calling on his friends to help but he knew that if he couldn’t figure out what was wrong with his own car, there was very little chance his friends would know what to do. Besides, even if he did call on them, he wouldn’t be able to tell them what was wrong because he himself didn’t know.

So who does the repairman call when he finds himself in disrepair? When he himself doesn’t know what’s wrong.

Of course he could pay to get professional help but that doesn’t seem fair does it? He doles out all this work for free but when he’s the one in need he has to pay?

See, helping other people, being there for friends, doing my best to help where I know how - that’s what I do, that’s what I enjoy doing.

But now that I’m the one who’s a bit broken, a bit empty, a bit not myself - I don’t know who to turn to and even if I did, I don’t know that I’d be able to adequately describe what was wrong.

Even here and now as I write...I love writing because often the process of putting something I’m wrestling with to words helps me get a handle on the problem. Often, insight will come to me as the sentences string themselves together and I end up surprised at the conclusions they lead me to.

But not this time.

I do have an outside thought as to what the problem might be but one of the problems with the conjecture is that even if it actually was what was bothering me, there’s no immediate remedy.

But it’s all I have so I’ll run with it.

There’s a book that I don’t particularly care for because I think the writing is weak and the example it cites are lame. It’s called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I think most people are familiar with the basic premise of the book - that there are five different ways (languages) that people give and receive love. If two people are speaking different languages (or even different "dialects" of the same language), then one or the other will feel unloved.

Well one of the other devices Chapman uses is the concept of a love tank. The idea is that people have this invisible love tank inside of them (tank as in vessel, not instrument of war). When they get "spoken to" in their language of love, their tank gets filled up and when their tank is full, it’s easier for them to be loving towards others. But if a person is constantly extending love but not getting their own tank filled, they will eventually run out and when that happens, all hell breaks loose - instead of feeding those around them with soup, they start bashing people on the head with their arm-spoons.

When I’m around some of my friends, I don’t quite feel myself. I’m more snarky and snappy than usual. I’m less likely to go out of my way to go the extra mile. I mean I do what’s required of me but lately I’ve been finding it hard to do anything more than that. And that’s not like me. And I don’t like me not being me.

And I’m wondering if it’s because my love tank is (out of) empty.

But what’s there to do about that?

Lately I’ve been trying to do more praying.

Prayer has never been easy for me. I mean, as a rather introverted person, it’s hard to do all the initiating in what feels a lot like a one way "conversation." (As an aside, there’s a part of me that’s not convinced that the word "conversation" is a good way to describe prayer, but it’s common enough that I have to wonder if I’m wrong.) But I’ve been trying.

The first couple weeks were the worst. My prayers were nothing but angry rants at God. I allowed myself to express some pretty raw frustrations to God in ways that aren’t very spiritually correct. But then I got over it a bit and while the frustrations were still there, I was able to pray about them in a more reasonable, less vitriolic way. And now I’m to the point where I’m more or less done ranting and am trying instead to pray for a way forward.

Basically, my prayer lately has been, "Lord, teach me how to love and how to be loved." And as I pray that, I mean it in two ways. I want to know how to love and be loved by those around me AND I want to know how to love and be loved by God. And if I could have my own way I’d want to know the latter before the former...but I’ll take them in any order God deems appropriate.

Funny thing.

Maybe this is answered prayer, maybe it’s coincidence, but about a week after I started praying this "teach me about love" prayer, I heard this amazing song thrown into the closing worship set at church. And then I heard it again a few nights ago which I find strange because it’s not a super popular song. But it speaks directly to what I’ve been feeling lately and so I’ll end this post with this song by Bjork. It’s called All Is Full Of Love and...oh shit! I just (now) saw the video for the song and the video shows a robot being repaired!

Anyway, here’s the video and the lyrics.



All Is Full of Love
Bjork

You’ll be given love
You’ll be taken care of
You’ll be given love
You have to trusts it

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at

Twist your head around
It’s all around you

All is full of love
All around you

All is full of love
You just ain’t receiving
All is full of love
Your phone is off the hook
All is full of love
Your doors are shut
All is full of love

305. another "christian" tagged...

A few months ago, I created a new tag for my blog called Christians (see entry 303). The basic idea is this: I’m becoming more and more convinced that the work of Christianity has as much to do with redeeming the world - building the Kingdom of God here and now - than it does with getting people to pray a salvation prayer or understanding a set of spiritual laws. And so when I find a link that illustrates the kind of work that christians should be doing, I’m going to post it up and label it as “christian” whether the person featured is a christian or not.

Yeah, it’s a thorny move but...well, maybe more on this in another post.

And with that I bring you William McDonough who has an amazing vision for sustainable architecture and urban design. Genius.

(If the embedded video below doesn’t work, try clicking here.)

304. where did July go?

I honestly can’t believe a month has gone by without me posting anything.

I mean I knew I was behind but I had no idea I was that far behind.

Sorry about that.

First some news to catch you all up:

1. I’m done mixing the new CD for my band, Harrison. I don’t mean to say that the CD is finished, I mean I’m done with it as in I’m sick and tired of working on it and so it’ll have to be just what it is. I’ll have more to say on this further down.

2. Uh...that’s kind of it.

I thought there was more to it than that but really, I think that’s really the only big news in my life right now.

And I guess it is kind of a big deal, I mean this project basically took up a whole six or seven months of my life.

But.

But unfortunately, I’m not really happy with the way it sounds. For lots of reasons.

For one thing, I don’t think working on a mix for a few hours every night after work is a very good way to mix. A lot of times I’d be in the studio after work and the way I would know it was time to quit, go home, and sleep was when I’d snap awake after dozing off (again) and realize I had no idea where I had last left off. I mean I was dozing off all the time at the studio because I was seriously sleep depraved but most of the time when I awoke I could remember what I had been working on and so could continue but when it came to the point where I’d wake and have no idea what I was doing - that was my cue to save for the night and go home.

In the end, I just got sick and tired of working on the damn CD. I know it could sound better. But I got to the point where I was no longer willing to sacrifice all my free time for it. And so I finished off what I could the best I could and basically said that’s that. There were a few more minor tweaks I took care of after the band listened to it but those were minor and relatively easy.

And so now I’m done with it.

And on the one hand I’m glad to be rid of the damned CD because I finally, FINALLY have some time to myself again.

But on the other hand, to have worked so long and hard on something that I’m not happy with - well, that sucks to a degree that I just don’t know how to express with mere words.

It feels stupid.

It feels like this: Imagine working on a huge, tedious, very detail oriented project. Maybe like building a house by one’s self. You spend all this time hammering away at little pieces - a little bit here and a little bit there, whatever you can do in whatever time you have. Day by day it’s one nail and one piece of wood at a time. You’re there on your knees working on this bit then working on that bit.

Finally you get to the point where you can stand back and see your work as a whole. You walk across the street and see the house as a whole for the first time and then realize something is amiss. It’s not quite square. It’s not something you can put your finger on but it’s just off. Not so off that you can’t see that its a house, but off enough that you know it’s not right.

And at this point, you don’t know how to fix it apart from tearing it all down and starting again from scratch. But there’s no way you’re going to do that and so you just say, "screw it," and declare the job done. It was a helluva lot of work but not something you feel you can be proud of.

That’s how this CD feels to me.

And it sucks.

When it came time to write the liner notes for the CD jacket, I didn’t list myself as the person who did the recording. I just wrote, "mixed and recorded by Harrison."

It’s pretty disheartening to say the least.

But it’s done...or at least, I’m done with it.

If I try to be reasonable, I’d say that it’s not awful. I mean, it sounds better than our first CD...but here’s the thing. I wasn’t shooting for "not awful." Whether it’s realistic or not, I was shooting for major label, big studio sound. I had a list of a few songs that had a kind of sound I was shooting for - songs I’d reference while mixing to make sure I was on the right track but somewhere along the line I missed a turn or something. At first I felt like I was getting closer and closer to that professional sound but at some point it was like everything I was trying was making the mix worse...well, not specifically worse, but at the same time, not closer to the sound I was shooting for.

But I’d already given up more than six months to this project and while I’m pretty sure I could have done a better job, I just didn’t have it in me. I was sick of working on it.

And so basically I gave up.

Anyway, we’re almost done with the graphics and the CD should be out by August or September at the latest. We’re also going to try and get it up on iTunes and a couple other on-line retailers. If you want a preview you can head over to our MySpace site.

In closing, don’t worry about me. I’ll get over the CD and my disappointment with it.

Part of my not blogging for over a month has to do with me sort of decompressing from all the work I put into the CD. I feel like I’ve been motoring away at 110 percent for over half a year and so I’m kind of taking a break. I’m going to try and take on as little extra responsibility as possible for the month of August, especially when it comes to the band. I feel bad about this because I have some big ideas on how to really make this last year and a half with the band a productive one. The music industry is in flux and I believe there are tons of never before seen opportunities for bands to blow up HUGE. Of course the only way to capitalize on never-before-seen opportunities is to try never-been-tried-before tactics and I have a few ideas tucked away in the back of my mind - promotional ideas that I’m dying to try out.

But not yet.

I need to get this damn CD out of my system. And so those plans will have to wait...you know, one way I’m going to know that I’m over the CD is when I stop referring to it as the "damn CD."

But blogging, that’s not part of this rest period. To the contrary, I actually feel a little better about the CD having written about it here.

That’s what writing does for me and I’m glad to be back at it.

Anyway, take a listen and (try to) enjoy.

Thanks for your patience.

303. new tag: christians

I have a crazy idea.

It's probably wrong.

But such is life, no?

So I'm going to put it out there anyway.

I don't know if you've noticed, but my blog has a tagging feature where posts related to a similar topic are sort of grouped together. I'm not as good as some other bloggers are with tagging my posts but I do what I can.

I'm going to start a new tag, and I'm going to call it, "christians."

Whenever I run across an article or podcast or video online that I can share, I'm going to put a link up to it on my blog and tag it with this "christian" tag.

Here's the thing.

The people whose articles I'm linking to - they might not actually be christians. I mean, they might be, but I'm not going to check. But I'm going to tag them as such anyway.

Here's why.

(And here's where I'm probably wrong, but I hope you'll see my point.)

I believe that living a life that exhibits the values and teachings of Christ is far more important than praying some so-called salvation prayer or claiming to grasp four "spiritual laws," or following the Roman Road - if such a road was so important, why is it strewn about the Bible so?¹

And so when I find someone who is living in a Christ-like manner, I'm going to post them up and tag them as a christian whether they claim to be one or not.

Why?

Because I'm tired of christians who think that because they jumped through some evangelical hoops that they are somehow better and above those who didn't jump through those same hoops. I'm tired of christians who think that the hoops are the point and that once they're through that their only remaining task is to wait for death or the second coming.

Because I believe that among the primary tasks of christians who claim to follow Christ are these: reconciliation, healing and being a conduit of peace, joy, and love in a dark, dark world. I think anyone who tries to accomplish Christ-like tasks such as those are far more christian than those who just pray a prayer and feel content to leave the world as it is.

And so, here are the first two people who I am tagging as christians. And after listening and watching, let me know. What do you think. Are these christians? If they didn't claim to follow Christ, what would you call them?

Listen to this amazing story about Hal Halvorsen, aka Uncle Wiggly Wings. (Click on the "Listen Now" link just under the title of the story).

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91906449

And then watch this amazing presentation by Benjamin Zander - a man who wants to bring beauty into people's lives through art - classical music to be precise...but DO NOT let that stop you from watching his presentation - you won't regret it!

(if the embedded video doesn't work, try clicking here



¹ Now don't get me wrong, I do believe in orthodoxy and I don't mean to make light of tools that have been useful in leading people to Christ, but just as I wrote in my last post about how the stuff of the church can get in the way of what the church is supposed to be, I think sometimes the stuff we teach can get in the way of how we're supposed to live.

302. what if. . .

A good friend of mine, still back in Hawaii, wrote an amazing blog entry a few weeks ago.

Funny story about him before I get to his post. I first met him in England of all places - in a little town down south called Okehampton. I was in England with a band I used to be in called Apartment 3 (they're now called Sunday Morning Chaos). So we're playing the first of two shows that we had up there (long story) and after our first song we turn to the crowd and say something like, "hey, we're from Hawaii. Anybody else out there from Hawaii?"

At the back of the crowd, one hand went up.

That's how I met Blake.

Turns out he had been backpacking and skateboarding around Europe. Somehow he heard something about some band from Hawaii playing somewhere in England so he jumps on the Chunnel and finds his way to Okehampton. Turns out he got to the town too late to get into the local hostel so he had spent the night before sleeping on a street bench.

Blake is cool like that - he's indestructible.

He's also a Christian who's with it and on it and understands that following Christ isn't about becoming the big man in church or about knowing the chords to the latest hot, hip worship song or about pasting little fishies on bumpers.

He's the guy whose idea it was to start up the house church I attended before moving to Seattle.

He's also a kick ass writer, which brings me, finally, to the entry he posted a few weeks ago.

A New Way

What if we as Christians tore down every single church building,

had no worship team,

no microphone for a witty, dynamic message,

and no place to fellowship?


Where would we praise?

How would we worship?

Where would we hear the Word of God?

And where would we be safe to fellowship?



Would we find that praise resonates in the depths of our hearts and share all the good things that God has done?

Would we find that worship is a state of mind and a life devoted to God?

Would we start going to the Word ourselves and allow the Holy spirit to bring revelation into our very own lives?

And would we realize that we were never meant to be safe? That we were never meant to be separated from the world?

That life is harsh and love is raw and gets dirty.



If we tore it all down there would be no walls,
no division between us and them.

There would be no church names, just names of people.

There would be no ministry teams, but we would find that ministry lies all around us.

There would be no paid positions, only those willing to serve.

We would no longer ask, "Why are they not coming to church for hope, love and truth?" because we would be bringing truth, hope and love into every aspect of life in a real and tangible way.



What if we realized that God never wanted us to go to church, but that church is the "Body of Christ" and the "Body of Christ" are the people who follow the Lord?

Church would no longer be a place we go to once a week, but rather, a NEW way of life.

I had two reactions to his post. First off, I knew exactly where he was coming from. He's had to deal with a lot of church politics bullshit in the past - really stupid things like not giving him support to go on a mission trip to Indonesia (or was it New Orleans?) after the hurricane because church leaders thought he didn't put enough of the folding chairs away after service, nevermind the fact that he wasn't putting away chairs because he was busy going out of his way to meet newcomers and people who he knew were hurting. This myopic, missing the point completely way of doing church is still all too common in Hawaii (the emergent thing hasn't really hit the islands yet...not that that's the barometer for authentic church life). Far too many churches think that the church is the walls and the chairs and sound system.

GONG!

As Blake's post makes clear, far too often the physical, material stuff of the church turns out to be a hinderance because people start equating the stuff of the church with the church itself. Maybe this is part of the reason why Christianity is often vibrant and passionate in places where the church cannot meet in public. Because in places like that, the church isn't seen as a safe place to hide from the world...because there is nowhere to hide. They don't have to come up with ministry plans to reach non-Christians because they're out there with non-Christians every hour of the day.

But.

But I had a second response to his post. There was a time when I would have been right there with Blake, tearing down the walls, but instead I found myself defending the church. In the comments section of his blog, I wrote:

I know where you're coming from and I mostly agree but there is a place for place. Tradition, while sometimes a burden, also keeps us from going off the deep end - keeps us connected with those who have come before us, who have built these walls with blood and tears and love.



I don't believe we need to burn everything down and start anew. We leave what doesn't work for us behind and blaze new trails. Some will follow, some will remain. God will use us all.

And at first it surprised me that I would respond by supporting the church. And then I realized that I wasn't the same angry, frustrated Christian I used to be. And in large part, this change has to do with Quest, the church I attend here in Seattle, as well as the C-Group (Bible study) I attend.

Quest church, the leadership as well as many of the congregants, are all about living out Christianity in such a way that it's not only about building up the church building but about redeeming the world at large. There are lots of people who serve part or full time at non-profits and lots of people who donate money to these organizations. And then there's my pastor who's going to be starting up his own non-profit soon.

One of the really unique things about the non-profit that he's setting up is that it's a non-religious non-profit (see point one of this post). Why? I'll let him speak for himself:

[My wife] Minhee and I love Christ. I am a pastor. But this will not be a Christian organization. While we know we’ll partner and support many Christian organizations, the fight against global poverty is not just a Christian issue - it is a humanity issue. We care about preaching the gospel but we care equally if not more about demonstrating the gospel. We don’t care who you are. If you care about human suffering and are involved in the fight against global poverty, we want to collaborate with you.

Unfortunately he's gotten flack for this from some other pastors. They say they can't support his organization because it's not a Christian organization. I don't know which churches have said that, but I suspect that they're probably very similar to the churches that Blake and I were frustrated with back in Hawaii - churches that are missing the point of Jesus and the Gospel.

The way I see it, an organization that is run by Christians with Christian principles behind it IS a Christian organization. Period.

This non-profit organization that my pastor is setting up is just one example among many of the amazing, world-changing things that people at my church are a part of. I feel honored, privileged, and blessed to be there.

And that's why I surprisingly found myself defending the church in response to Blake's post.

And so I'll leave you all with this. For those Christians out there who think that the church in America has completely lost its way, please know that there are churches who are about far more than just growing their weekly attendance and retention rates or raising their weekly giving numbers. There are lots of churches like Quest who are grass-roots and hands on both in the community where they meet as well as in areas around the world in need of support; churches that understand that Christianity is not about waiting to go to heaven or waiting for the second coming but about bringing a bit of heaven to where we are here and now as well as living now the way we will after the return of Christ.

You are not alone.

PS. keep writing, Blake!

301. go speed dater, go!

One mention of the word "date" and all my friends back in Hawaii start flipping out. On the MySpace version of my blog, I got a bunch (translation: four) of comments asking about the speed-dating event I mentioned in a previous post. And so partly for them, because they make up the first and often most loyal of my readers, and partly just for myself because it was a fun event that raises some interesting issues for me, I'll restart my writing with this event.

First things first, the event came about because of a brilliant move by my pastor. He started out the year challenging the various Community Groups (aka C-Groups, aka cell group Bible studies) to be a blessing to the neighborhoods where we met or to bless a local charity. But he did more than just issue this challenge. He put money behind it and called it the Good Neighbor Fund. Basically, the church gave every C-Group $200 and instructed them to use this money to bless those around them.

The members of our C-Group put forward some ideas which were voted upon and short story shorter, we chose to use the $200 as seed money to put on a fundraiser. But not just any fundraiser - a speed-dating fundraiser!

I advocated for this option for a variety of reasons. It was meant to be a inter-church speed-dating event and getting the Body of Christ to interact has been a passion of mine for a while now. Also, I liked the fact that instead of just putting the $200 into a smoking BBQ and inviting the neighbors over or donating it straight into a charity, we were investing it, growing it, multiplying it. And of course I thought about the ever-present fact of my singleness and the fact that this event offered me an end run around my normal laziness and lack of assertiveness when it comes to dating.

Maybe it's because I advocated for this idea but somehow I got picked to be a part of the team that would try to put on this event. There were seven of us: the planning team, alternatively referred to as the Cupid Crew or the Hook Up Crew. Despite the enormity of the undertaking, we refused to let the fact that none of us had ever participated in a speed-dating event (never mind trying to plan one) stop us. To make up for this lack of first-hand knowledge, we scoured the internet, we brainstormed like mad, we grilled friends we knew who had done speed-dating before.

I mention this because I want to make it a point to say that the people I worked with to put this event on are some of the sharpest, most dedicated, not afraid to lay down the law people I ever had the pleasure of working with. Seriously, I've been a part of lots of different teams for all kinds of events but the Cupid Crew was by far the most well-oiled, well-rounded (and prettiest...you too Dar) team I've ever been a part of.

But none of this is really what you're interested in is it?

You just want to hear about the speed-dating don't ya?

(If you 're interested in the mechanics of the event, you can read about it on our wiki.)

So I got to meet 15 delightful women in the span of about two hours (more "dates" than I've had in the past five years...damn, that's sad). Each speed date lasted about 3 minutes (it's not called speed-dating for nothing). In the days preceding the event I spent some time thinking about how to best use that 3mins. I thought that I would have to be efficient, that I would have to cut to the chase without scaring the other person off. I had to come up with a question that would tell me a lot about whether I'd want to spend more time with the other person in the minimum amount of time. And this is what I came up with:

"So hypothetically, if someone were to tell you that they wanted to change the world, what would you think about that person or that statement?"

That's it.

I mean, of course I made some small talk, but I always did my best to squeeze this question in somehow. Sometimes rather inelegantly. And the responses were interesting. They ranged from, "that's impossible," to "that's great but [insert various caveats here]," to "I think that's, like, so awesome...puppies and kittens are so cute" (just kidding about that last one, all of the participants were great).

Why'd I choose that question? Well, I don't know if I've ever come right out and said it but I have a secret deep down inside of me. I normally don't talk about this secret for many of the same reasons why asking that hypothetical dating question was an odd choice. But I'm going to share it with you all here and now. Don't tell anyone, okay? I want to change the world - make it a better place, a place more like Eden and less like Babylon. (So I guess in addition to the already long list of things I'm looking for in a life partner - see here and here - I can add "someone who wants to change the world.")

And that's a pretty audacious thing to say, I know (the delusions-of-grandeur response immediately comes to mind), but I believe in it. And I'm going to go for it. Soon. (Yeah, I see you snickering and dissing me but I don't care.) And if I'm going to have a girlfriend who's eventually going to be my wife, she's going to have to be on board for this crazy idea of mine (I don't know how I'm going to change the world yet but I'm working on it). And so asking that question made it easy for me to weed out those who I could see would not be suitable partners in chasing my change-the-world ideas.

Well, maybe it's because of my question, maybe it's because I had something stuck in my teeth, maybe it's because I forgot my mojo at home, but I didn't end up getting any matches from the event. We did find out from the secret match-making team (aka "The Triad," their identities kept hidden to preserve the sanctity of the hooking up process) that everyone (including me) got put on someone's list but not everyone had mutual matches. See what happened at the end of the night was, everyone submitted a list of up to five people who they met that they would be interested in meeting again. The Triad took everyone's list and if two people put the other's name on their list, they would be sent email addresses and the rest was up to them. So in other words, my name appeared on at least one other person's list but I didn't put that person down on mine so no match for me.

Honestly, I was a bit relieved when I got the news that I hadn't been matched. I mean don't get me wrong, I met some really great women but even with the ones whose names I submitted, they weren't really what I was looking for.

Despite not ending up with any dates, on a larger level, the event was a huge success. We ended up getting:

• 92 total applicants


• 30 churches represented among those applicants


• 58 participants in the event itself


• 32 matches made


• and we raised just over $1000 after expenses


• when the idea of the GNF was first presented, the guy who leads our C-group said that if we chose to do any kind of fundraising event, he would match whatever amount we raised. At first he was giddy at the success of our event but when we told him how much we raised, he turned a rather ill shade of green. Maybe we need to do another fundraiser for him.
  
• so if he comes through with his matching promise (and I have no doubt he will, he can handle it) we'll have raised over $2000. Not a bad return on a $200 investment.
  
• funds will be split evenly between two excellent local non-profit organizations.
  

We also ended up getting some really nice compliments from those who participated. And we also heard it through the grapevine that a couple other churches are thinking about holding similar speed-dating fundraisers (as an aside, one of the neat tricks about tucking a speed-dating event inside a fundraiser is that it makes participants more likely to...well...participate because they don't have to feel strange and awkward for signing up for a matchmaking event - they can tell themselves (and other people) they're doing it to raise money for a good cause).

So there it is. The speed-dating event. I have other things I want to say about the state of dating and relationships in my life but that will have to wait for another post (I wanted to keep this one on the positive tip). For those who commented asking about the event, I hope this satiates your voyeuristic curiosity. If not, drop me some questions in the comments section and I'll do my best to respond.

300. great googly moogly

So I'm sure you'll be hearing tons of news stories about this in the next few days but at the latest Apple World Wide Developers's Conference, Steve Jobs highlighted a TON of new features for the next-gen iPhone.

I've never been one to get all mushy and soft when new cell phones came out. I'll admit that I did consider purchasing the first generation iPhone when it first came out but 1) budgetary restrictions and 2) the fact that I've been with Verizon since I started using a cell phone, kept me from making the switch.

But...

This new version is making me weepy with envy and lust and want.

In particular:

1. built-in GPS
2. 3G internet connectivity
3. new design with a flush headphone jack
4. tons of amazing new 3rd party apps
5. (this one isn't iPhone specific but it's so amazing, I have to mention it) MobileMe - a way to instantly sync all my data between my phone and my laptop and my desktop. It's an additional $99 per year to subscribe (it's basically an upgrade to what used to be called .mac) but I'm game, baller!

And...

My economic stimulus check is still in the mail (hurry up, Uncle Sam!) AND I just got a raise at work.

Plus...

Apple lowered the price of the new iPhone to $199!

And...

While Verizon has been nice to me, and I've never really had a problem with their service, their phones are butt fugly. Particularly their smart(ish) phones.

So when the latest, greatest iPhone hits the shelves sometime next month, there's a pretty good chance I'll be in line to pick one up.

Bye, bye, Verizon.

299. silent all these months

Where have I been?

Two big items on my relatively small plate have left no room for blogging these past few months.

1. My band's new CD.

2. And a Speed-dating fundraiser that I helped plan and put together (and participated in).

Although most of the really hard work for both those projects is done, there's still a bit of work left to be done before I can completely sign off on them and put them behind me.

In addition to these large items, there have been a bunch of smaller things that have also been taking up my energy and my time.

a. About a month ago I put together a training seminar for people interested in learning about how to run sound at my church.

b. In addition to putting on this training seminar, I've been a part of a Worship Advisory Council (yeah, we're the whack) that has been trying to wrestle with questions regarding how we help facilitate worship on Sundays.

Hmm...you know, written out like that, that doesn't seem like much but please believe me when I say that writing is one of the things that I love to do most in life. It makes me feel special, it makes me feel whole, it makes me feel as if I'm truly using the gifts God has given me to make this world a better place - a world more like Eden and less like Babylon. Those four things (and a few others) have kept me from this thing I love - writing - and to you, my readers, I apologize.

But I'm back.

Very soon, I'll have the time once again to spill my guts, to rant and rave, to posit and to ponder.

I've got lots of things I want to say about what I've learned about myself these past few months, about what I've been thinking about the Body of Christ, about...well, you know this blog, I'm always writing about whatever random thing is at the front of my mind at the time.

Here's one thing I've been thinking about lately: if I have a limited readership it's because I don't follow any of the blogging "rules." I don't stick to one topic. I don't post consistently enough. I don't update my blogroll enough. I'm too silly and sloppy to be taken seriously by the really brainy part of the blogosphere and I'm too psuedo-intellectual for the casually surfing crowd. I don't post often enough and when I do, I write too much.

Anyway, thanks for being patient (if you're still out there).

More to come...very soon.

298 i robot?

I've acquired the nickname "Randor2000" up here in Seattle. Miles (guitar player for my band) came up with the name and he says it's because of my geeky, sometimes robot-like qualities...I, uh think that's a compliment.

Anyway, I mention that because around church and at Bible studies I've occasionally been telling people that I'm really looking forward to seeing the upcoming Pixar movie, WALL-E, and when I mentioned it, a lot of people didn't know what I was talking about.

Well recently some of the people from my Bible study took a trip up to Vancouver for a mini-vacatiion. While there, the commercial for WALL-E came on the television and I pointed it out saying, "that's the movie I want to see." And one person responded, "oh, it's about a robot - no wonder you want to see it."

Until that point, I hadn't made that connection, which makes me wonder how much of a robot I actually am.

Computing...computing...computing

Anyway, click here to see the trailers. I highly recommend the Vacuum Vignette - the way the Pixar folks are able to convey emotion and narrative through sounds and subtle mechanical movements (note the way they use WALL-E's "eye brows" and the way WALL-E tilts his head and "squints" his eyes as it makes its exit) is sheer genius.

That little short and all the trailers never fail to put a smile on my face....dear Lord, maybe I am a robot!

297. cultivating "pearls"

So my pastor has a really cool blog which he calls beauty and depravity. This week, as a kind of joke, he put the following exchange between himself and a Quest single woman (QSW) up on his blog:

QSW: What do you call a cute guy at Quest?

Pastor: Huh? Okay...what?

QSW: A visitor...

Pastor: [laughing] That's cold.

And I thought it was hilarious and so did some other people. But then something interesting happened. In the comments section, his innocent post touched off a flurry of discussion centered loosely around the topic of dating. It didn't take long for another QSW (not the one that told the "cute guy" joke) to put up her own blog entry in response which then got referenced in yet another post back on my pastor's blog which also garnered a ton of comments.

It's been quite an interesting and entertaining couple of days in the Quest blogosphere.

And since the topic is dating and relationships and church...well, of course I have to throw my hat in the ring.

Thing is, most of the comments (left by men and women) basically made the point that men should man up, grow some balls, and start asking out some of the amazing single women who call Quest their church home. And for the most part, they're right.

But.

But for some guys it's not that simple.

Take, oh...let's say, me as an example.

In the last few years of high school and the first few years of college, I was involved in a para-church organization that took a pretty hard line stance when it came to dating. Basically, their message was, "don't date because you can't control your emotions and your hormones. If you start dating now you're inevitably going to do something stupid like having unprotected sex (because we're certainly not going to teach you anything about contraception) and you'll probably get your girlfriend pregnant. You're going to stop going to church and fall away from Christ because you're too busy to go with your two minimum wage jobs (the only jobs you could get because you didn't finish high school/college) and so your kid will grow up outside a nice christian home and he/she will hang out with the wrong crowd and start taking drugs which will lead to him/her stealing items from your home which they will pawn off to support their habit. In the end, you'll die a miserable old man who never got to accomplish anything meaningful in life. All because you started dating before you were old enough to handle it."

You think I'm joking about this? Well, yeah, I'm exaggerating a bit but honestly, not by much. During camps and retreats, they'd often have a segment where they'd separate the guys from the girls and they'd give THE TALK, not entirely unlike what I wrote above. And they did more than talk. If a dating couple made the mistake of attending one of these camps, the counselors would do everything they could think of to try to break them up through the course of the retreat. They'd make sure the one couldn't see the other during free time. At every opportunity, the women counselors would talk to the girl and the male counselors would talk to the guy, explaining in no uncertain terms why they were too young and unprepared to be in a relationship. Their tactics were quite effective. Lots of couples either left halfway through camp, unwilling to put up with the bullying tactics, or left camp no longer dating.

Now you might be thinking, that's so screwed up - why did you put up with that kind of teaching? Why did you stay with that group?

Well, yeah, looking back now I can see how screwed up that all was, but at the time I didn't know any better. I mean I wasn't learning about dating and relationships at home. I love my parents and all but I never saw them modeling any kind of healthy interaction, let alone intimacy (despite the eww factor). And back in the day, I wasn't one of the cool, with-it kids. I was one of the nerds back when being a nerd was still a bad thing. No one in my circle of friends knew anything about how to get dates let alone what to say or do if we somehow went on one. So when I started going to these camps and hanging out with these smart, hip christian leaders who talked about how great their marriages were, why wouldn't I listen to what they had to say?

And here's another thing. Despite the fact that I now see that their views on dating were fracked up (I've been watching BSG oh hulu), they really did have some solid teaching and discipleship. I learned a lot from them and I might not be the christian I am today were it not for some of the values they instilled in me. I mention this because their being on point in most areas of christianity made it that much harder for me to dismiss their take on dating even if it seemed a bit odd to me.

Now at the same time, as I was growing up, men were being mocked and ridiculed on television, in movies, and certainly in the stand-up comedy routines of female comedians. Take a movie like When Harry Met Sally. Billy Crystal's character is basically a jerk. Not just that, he gives Sally (Meg Ryan) multiple lectures on how men are pigs who only have one thing on their mind when they're around women.

Or take a look at this bit from a song by Jimmy Webb titled, What Does A Woman See In A Man which ends with this bit:

And yet, dreaming of orgies in Vegas or Cannes
He preens and strikes poses Olympian
While she shoulders the cross
And lets him play boss
His nurse and long-suffering Samaritan

He brags about knocking the world on its ass
But oh when the shit hits the fan
She'll bail him out
She's the one with the clout
Only she knows how humankind ever began

Tell me what does a woman see in a man?

(complete lyrics here)

The song came out in the early nineties but in its own hyperbolic way, it kind of captures the man-bad-woman-good vibe that kind of emerged out of the eighties.

I'm sure there are much better examples of what I'm trying to get across which is the idea that I grew up in a time when the habits and attitudes of men were belittled in the media. Oh, and I just remembered a quote from a movie called Mindwalk that went something like, "you men have been in charge for so long and look at what a mess you've made of things. Maybe it's time for women to take the lead."

And one last item before I (finally) get to the point I'm trying to get across.

I suppose I just have the worst luck when it comes to women because despite all the dysfunctional instruction I received, I did manage to start sort of seeing this girl while I was in college. And it was stupendous, thrilling, bountiful and beautiful. It's like we were best friends from the start - we had similar interests, we finished each other's sentences. We felt instantly at ease around the other and found ourselves sharing things even our best friends didn't know.

But.

But we were just friends and when I suggested maybe we be a bit more than friends, she freaked out. She said I was betraying our friendship and she couldn't believe I would want to ruin something so special.

Now let me be clear here that it's not like I was suggesting we begin regular make out sessions in the back of my car. All I wanted was for us to see one another more regularly, to not date other people, to be able to tell our friends that we were seeing each other.

But she didn't want it. Any of it.

Don't ask me to explain. Her friends didn't get it either - they thought we would've made a smashing couple. Everyone saw that she and I seeing one another would have been the obvious, perfect thing. Well, everyone but her.

I'll spare you the gory (and I mean Stephen King/Clive Barker/GWAR gory) details but it went from amazingly beautiful to brutal and ugly almost overnight. I was a mess and she started seeing some guy who everyone thought was obviously wrong for her.

I guess this is all a VERY long, cumbersome way to respond to what some people said in the comments section of my pastor's blog posts which was basically, "hey guys, stop being spineless, safe, and weak and start asking girls out!" To which I respond, "it's not that easy for everyone."

I don't know if it was the batty teaching on dating I got from those camps or the fact that my parents didn't model a healthy relationship for me or if it was all the men-are-bad vibe I was getting from the media or if it was the brutal crash and burn of that early almost-relationship with that girl. I suppose it's all of the above, but add it all up and I guess you can see that dating doesn't come easily to me.

The amount I don't know about dating and relationships could fill a black hole and turn it back into a star again.

In the comments section to one of my pastor's posts I asked why women didn't do some of the initiating. One person responded that women do initiate by putting out signals.

Maybe I've never been signaled, maybe I haven't seen the Rosetta Stone and don't know how to interpret their hieroglyphics. Maybe I have so little confidence in the dating process that I refuse to see them. I mean if a woman came up to me with a sign stuck to her forehead that read, "hey, ask me out," I'd probably think she was just being ironic.

See, it's not like there's a school out there offering degrees in Lloyd Dobler. And yeah, there are books out there like Dating For Dummies and The Mack Within and The Game, but they all basically say the same thing which is "be confident - confidence is attractive." And I'm sure that's true but in the rare occasion that I do try and ask someone out, while my mind is telling me, "I'm the man, I'm a great catch, I'm so money I don't even know it," the thing that comes out of my mouth is, "so...um...don't feel pressured or anything because it's not really a big deal so feel free to say no because you won't hurt my feelings and I hope I'm not putting you in an awkward position because...oh, you know what? I just remembered that I need to buy bread so I'll be going now. Have a nice day."

Look, here's the deal. I don't write all of this because I want people to feel sorry for me. On any given day, I'm 99 percent content and happy and secure as a single man. And even on my most needy days, I'd say I'm still up around the 85-90 percentile. For the most part, I like love being single. My life is simple, my money is my own, I don't have to clear my schedule with anyone. I'm not saying my life is all diamonds and pearls but it's like Jay-Z says, "I got 99 problems but a b#$^# ain't one."

I put my story up to make the point that "man up, grow some balls, stop being a wimp" is pretty empty advice.

I don't know how many men can relate to anything I've shared but I'll bet they don't want to talk about it because who wants to admit that they don't have the first idea about how to date - something eighth graders know how to do? Because how much more unattractive will they feel they are to women by making such an admission?

And so I'll speak for them because I have nothing at stake. I love being single.

(Am I missing out on a beautiful part of what it is to be alive and human? Probably. Am I going to do anything about that? Not right now.)

The most sublime description of the modern dating scene that I've ever heard came from one of my college Political Science teachers (Chad Blair) who said, "some people are getting it, some people aren't." And I'd add that those who aren't are either too ashamed to admit they need help or have no idea where to get help even if they wanted it.

I don't know what the solution for this is. I don't know how to make men better, more whole, more confident. But sometimes the suggestion, "be a man," is about as useful as telling a drowning person, "learn how to swim."

296. keeping the dream alive!

[preface]

So I'm still super busy. This week I've spent the past three nights out of four at our rehearsal studio after work, working on the new Harrison CD that we need to have done before our tour in July.

And truth be told, this is actually the second blog I've written this month. I won't post the first one for reasons you'll read about below and the only reason I've rushed to finish and post this one is because I really want to write a response to this post because I have lots I want to say on the topic.

So this is a bit of an unfinished post (as if my blogs are ever anything but), but stay tuned - another addition to the Dating & Relationships series is forthcoming.

[end preface]


So...um, being busy isn't the only reason I haven't been able to write lately. It's also because the things I wanted to deal with in my writing had to do with people in my band - people whom I care about deeply. I knew I had some difficult things to say and to share about them but of course, the blogging thing is a very public forum and I didn't want to air out dirty laundry where everyone could see.

But that creates a kind of problem for me because the way I think about and deal with problems is by writing about them and often, one of the few things that can motivate me to get to the hard work of writing is you, my readers. So, I came up with what I thought was a brilliant plan. I decided to write out my grievances as a blog entry but to not post it until I showed it to my band and got their permission to put it up.

That did the trick. I opened up the spigots of my sub-conscience and let loose a barrage of bile and accusation.

Now before I go on about what I wrote, let me say that my "method" of writing has to do with having an issue that's unresolved in my mind and working through it by stringing words and ideas together. It's been said that thought is parallel (your mind can process more than one idea at a time) while writing is far more serial (it can basically only deal with one idea at a time). With this band thing, I knew I had a lot of discontent brewing just below the surface, but when I started writing about it, I didn't know, precisely, the source of my frustrations. And so I just began by putting down the first thing that came to mind on the topic and went from there.

It wasn't easy and it certainly wasn't fun which sucked because for the most part, while writing is seldom easy, it is almost always fun (a sick, self-torturturous kind of fun, but fun nevertheless). Dishing out the frustrations I had with my band was like squeezing the puss out of a cyst or boil - it was painful and it was ugly. But it was necessary. And to extend the analogy, once I started squeezing the poison out, I started to feel better.

For the most part, the things I was writing centered around the thought that the source of my frustrations was the feeling that all the hard work I had put (and continue to put) into the band was being taken for granted - I didn't feel appreciated. I laid out example after example of why I felt this way. In the end I wound up with an entry that weighed in at four pages and almost 1,800 words. I finished the last bits of it in the hours before our Saturday rehearsal - I rushed the ending because I wanted to show it to the band and be done with it.

(As an aside, here's some sage, free advice to anyone thinking about sharing their frustrations with friends in written form: don't send the first draft!)

I showed up (late) to rehearsal and told them a bit about how I'd been feeling these last few months and then I told them about the blog entry that I wanted to post and gave them the copies I had printed out. We decided that they would read what I had written and discuss their take on the matter the next day before rehearsal.

The rest of that Saturday was odd for me. I wasn't sure how my band would take the things I had written. I didn't pull any punches. When given the choice between taking the direct, hurtful approach and the more subtle, passive approach, I chose the former. I took a bit of time out later in the day to re-read what I had written and I saw that there were things that I should have taken out or at least re-written. But it was too late for that and anyway, I figured maybe it was best that they got the unedited, unfiltered me.

Sunday was interesting. I'll spare you the gory details (sorry to deny your voyeuristic curiosity but that's privileged, band information) but suffice it to say that I was wrong about what I had written. I don't just mean that I said some unfair, hurtful things which I apologized for, I mean the crux of my blog entry was wrong. The source of my frustrations wasn't so much a lack of appreciation - the guys in the band know I put in a ton of work, even if they're not the best at showing it - as it was the feeling that as a band we had lost our fire and passion and drive.

See, here's the thing. I work my ass off for this band and I've invested a lot of my own money into items that benefit the band as a whole - this is on top of money I've put into my own musical gear. I didn't feel pressured to get this equipment - nobody asked me to do it - I did so because I believe in this band. I pour myself into the band because, if you'll allow me a moment of unbridled optimism, I truly believe that we have a chance at being the last monster band of the CD era or the first monster band of the internet era. And by monster, I mean the kind of band that crosses marketing boundaries and finds fans across a wide musical spectrum, the kind of band that people get tired of hearing because we're everywhere, the kind of band that sells out arenas and stadiums, the kind of band that people ape in karaoke bars.

I believe it.

All of it.

And so I work my ass of for this band.

But.

But I can't do it by myself.

The thing that was killing me was not that I felt unappreciated, it was that I felt as if I was the only one left who believed enough in the band enough to sweat and work and sacrifice for it. Maybe it's because the music scene is tougher than we anticipated. Maybe it's because we miss a bit of home. Maybe it's because all our personal differences and conflicts are heightened now that we're in a new environment. Maybe it's all of the above. Whatever the reason, these last few months it seems all the air had been let out of the Harrison balloon and our basket was in danger of running aground. We had lost sight of the prize and were doing just enough to get by.

I was a bit of an asshole in what I wrote about my band. They were gracious in forgiving me for it and the one really good thing (among others) that came out of it was that it reminded all of us that as a band we all have to continue to believe in what we came here for.

We didn't leave the comforts of home and the support of friends to play tiny shows to tiny crowds in tiny parts of Seattle. We left home behind because we believed we could take over the world! At least that's why I did it.

When I look back on my time in this band, I don't want to remember that we came to Seattle and found the scene too hard to break into and so we just played what shows we could and gave up after a couple years. I want to remember that we gave every ounce of ourselves to make it happen and even if we never got to play stadiums or arenas, we gave it our all on every stage that would have us.

As a band, some of us (myself included) had forgotten about that dream, that purpose, that fire and that's why I felt so frustrated at all the work I was doing for the band - because if I'm not doing it to fulfill a dream, then spending hours and hours working on recording, mixing, and editing songs for a new CD is just building the Titanic.

I gave some action items to my band - things that would show me that we still intended to shoot for the stars - simple things like responding to emails and keeping others informed about what we've been working on to make sure we're all on the same page, making sure we're working as a team and not as lone rangers (of which I was the most guilty). I've seen some improvement in these areas, not as much as I'd like but it's a start. And I know that as I'm working on the recording end of things they're working to put together our summer tour - we already have shows lined up in Portland and LA with more prospects dangling in the air.

And the cool thing about working in Seattle is that we've found some really talented individuals who really want to help us:


I really do believe that we can make it, that we can be an unstoppable monster of a band. And the amazing thing is that along the way, we've found some great people who believe in us as well - a savvy manager, a web marketing guru, a dope web designer (new website coming soon), and a photographer talented enough to make the monkeys in our band actually look like rock stars (no small feat, I assure you). And this is in addition to having an amazing videographer who's already shot two amazing music videos for us (see here and here...or here if those links don't work).

We've been blessed with resources that most bands only dream of. On top of this, because of the new avenues that the internet has opened, lots of the old barriers to stardom have come tumbling down. None of the old rules apply anymore - ask any crusty record exec and they'll tell you that they have no idea what their industry will look like five years from now. We are poised on the leading edge of a music marketing revolution. It will be a lot of chaos and a lot of false starts and dead ends. Some bands will get screwed, some will soar. It's going to be a bumpy, turbulent ride but I'm on board for better or for worse. And I'm betting big on better.

123. viva la revolucion! (redux)

[preface]

So in my last post, I asked for prayer for some things I've been struggling through and I've been feeling better. Many thanks for all who prayed and commented.

Truth be told, the issues I'm struggling with are still there. They come up for me every once in a while and when I look back and think about it, it's pretty much the same issues over and over again.

One of the benefits of blogging or keeping a journal is being able to go back to older entries and see how you've dealt with things in the past. I woke up this morning and was reminded of the post I'm re-posting below. It's one of my favorites because (if I can be so immodest) it kicks ass.

I'm also re-posting the entry that I wrote one week after that one because (apart from having a hilarious ending) it gives balance and reminds me that Kingdom work is hard work.

On another note, I'm hoping to be back with new original entries soon so hang in there!

[end preface]

123. viva la revolucion!

I, in my naivete, used to believe that being a kind, generous person meant that kindness and generosity would be returned to me. I don't mean if I helped someone that I expected that specific person to be available to help me in return on some future date. I guess I believed in a kind of grand karmic bank account where good deeds deposited could be withdrawn from in times of need.

I've found that this is an exercise in frustration. The world is like a black hole for kindness - it goes in but it's a one-way trip. Now it turns out that apart from x-ray radiation, black holes do kind of leak minute quantities of mass due to quantum effects. In the same way, sometimes kindness does return but it's at a much, much, much smaller level.

The realization that kindness and generosity are bad investments has been a source of much frustration for me these last few years. I felt lied to. I had believed all those church/Bible study lessons that told me it was better to give than to receive, that JOY meant putting Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last. I believed those things and put them into practice. And then I kept trying to figure out how giving was any better than receiving; and I kept wondering when the joy part of the JOY formula started kicking in. I can't say exactly when, but it finally dawned on me that those sayings were/are bunk. Receiving is better than giving in every way, and putting yourself last is a surefire way to kill joy.

It's been hard for me these last few years. I'd been a generous person for so long, that it's just a part of who I am. It didn't matter that the foundation on which I had built my generosity was made of sand, it was there to stay. Sometimes friends tell me to just forget about helping people and to just do what makes me happy. Well, helping people is the thing that makes me happy.

But doesn't that contradict your critique of JOY? Perhaps I'm not explaining myself well. What I mean is, I grew up believing that being kind and generous would cultivate a life where kindness and generosity would return to you - it would create an atmosphere of good will, (kind of like terraforming - turning the hostile air of cynicism and greed into sweet, breathable mercy). The realization that's been killing me these last few years is that there is no guarantee of return, in fact chances are good that kindness will never be returned. And that made me pretty salty because it's like I've been investing in a start-up that had already shut down. Think of those people in New Orleans who pumped money into hurricane insurance year after year only to have their home destroyed in a flood which is not something their policy covers. "Well then what good is all that money I've been paying for hurricane insurance?" That's how I felt about kindness and generosity.

So I get to the point where I realize that kindness and generosity are bad investments. I figured there were only a handfull of things I could do in response:

1. Stop being kind and generous. Switch to live and let die mode and just look out for number one.

2. Stop being kind and generous. Switch to being selfish and greedy instead.

3. Keep being kind and generous. Live with the frustration I'm feeling now, grin and bear it. Try not to go poastal.

4. Go poastal. Do not go gentle into that good night, go with a big fucking bang.

None of those options appealed to me because none of them were sustainable. Even option three, which is pretty much the way I've been living for years, was unappealing because it seemed pointless, stupid, absurd.

And then...

And then the skies parted, light broke through the darkness and the fog. The little bulb over my head flickered to life. I had a eureka moment.

I realized that I could be kind and generous DESPITE the fact that it was a bad investment, despite the fact that it offered no yield. I could be kind and generous knowing full well that it would likely never come back to me, that it offered no guarantee of good friends, good jobs, good wife, not even a good reputation. I could be kind and generous as an act of sheer rebellion, as a subversive act of open aggression against a greedy, needy world. I could be the leader of a rebel force of one. I could strike out with guerilla attacks of random kindness. I sow the seeds of a revolution that seeks to overturn a world stuck in the trap of consumerism - where everything is seen as a transaction with one party profiting and another suffering a loss, where even free car washes are not really free car washes, where we are defined by what we own rather than what we give a way.

Yes, it's futile. Yes, I'm just one little man and my revolution of kindness will go unnoticed, ignored, perhaps even exploited by those who will take advantage of my cause. I acknowledge all those things, but I don't care. If I am just one tiny flame of light in a dark world, so be it. If I can allow the Kingdom of God to trickle into this fallen world through my life, I think that's as noble a cause as any.

It's mad, but it's beautiful. I just hope I'm up to the task.


124. on empathy and faith

Empathy is stupid. It's a burden, a curse. It's a monkey on your back that just won't let up.

It's not an easy thing to feel this ache to help, to comfort, to heal but to not be able to. I suppose one can pray but so often, prayer seems to have so little reach. You speak it into the air and where does it go? What does it do? How is it supposed to work? And even after the, "amen," the ache is still there.

Better the selfish bliss of ignorance, to not know, to not comprehend, to not care. Better to wonder why they can't just get over it. Better to pity than to burn for resolution, to seek after some solution, whatever the cost.

To make another's pain one's own, to hear it echo in your own heart (a ping, tart and tang), to yearn for justice and redemption. What use are these when there's nothing you can do?

And a prayer seems like so small a thing, yet faith (the mustard size of it) can amplify, multiply its use. Faith, the evidence and substance of it, can be the only hope one can hold on to. And where do you place this faith? In the One who can turn water into wine, the One who declares that those who mourn will be comforted. In the One who wove the fabric of space and time in ten dimensions, confounding Mensa minds and atom smashers alike.

...but all that said, I still think empathy sucks.

294. running out of empty...a prayer request

Sorry, I can't go into detail right now because...

1. Because I'm too tired to.
2. Because I just can't go into it here for various reasons.
3. Because I think I'm getting sick again and I'm going straight to bed.

All I'll say is, it seems like I've been running on empty these past couple months and it just doesn't seem to stop and so now it feels as if I'm running out of empty.

And so, a prayer request to you, my readers.

Honestly, I'm not even sure what I need prayer for...or maybe it's that I can't work up the energy to even think about it. If you think of me or if you remember this post, just pray that...pray that...

Well, just let the Holy Spirit guide your prayer for me - that will be enough, I think.

Thanks.

293. living in sin

Well, I suppose this comes as no surprise to regular readers (and perhaps to irregular readers as well), but the Tomato Stand is taking a leave of absence.

Main reason: I'm just too busy.

Examples:

1. This month there've been four visitors from Hawaii in town and there's a couple more on the way. Entertaining, while supremely fun, is also time consuming.

2. My band is recording new material for an EP that we hope to take with us when we go on tour in the summer so that's eating up a bunch of my time.

3. I love my new job but the commute is KILLER. It's at least one hour, one way which means even if I drive (I try to bus whenever I can), the commute to work takes a two hour bite out of my day.

I believe there are other time sinks that I may not be aware of. I suppose it may be time to man up and start ordering and structuring my life more. At the very least I'd be able to see where all my free time is draining away to.

Honestly, I hate not having time to write. One, because I love writing, two because I know I'm disappointing readers (all three of you), and three because, frankly, it feels like I'm living in sin.

See, sin is not just doing things you know are wrong (sins of commission), it also has to with not doing things you ought to be doing (sins of omission). As inconsistently and as clumsily as I do it, I believe that writing is a gift that God has given me and for me not to exercise it is sin. I honestly do feel that badly about it.

Be that as it may though, I am going to be taking a break. I hope to be back at blogging by the end of March, hopefully sooner.

Pray for me, a sinner.

292. I'm not the only one - Hillary and Barack part 2

A few weeks ago I wrote up a post where I likened Barack to a Mac and Hillary to a PC.

Looks like I'm not alone in thinking this: New York Times article, Is Obama a Mac and Clinton a PC?

From the article:

"On one thing, the experts seem to agree. The differences between hillaryclinton.com and barackobama.com can be summed up this way: Barack Obama is a Mac, and Hillary Clinton is a PC."

Does that make me an expert?

291. back soon...

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've got some stuff brewing in the queue, but they're not done yet. Soon.

A quick update until I can get to the longer posts:

1. I really like my new job. It's a really geeky, techy company and the people are cool. What do I do there? Well for now I'm just helping out with miscellaneous maintenance tasks. I don't mean I'm sweeping floors or cleaning windows, I mean I'm helping out with some of the tedious, repetitive jobs that are a part of moving their products through the pipeline towards production.

2. The job is great but the commute sucks. If I drive, it normally takes about an hour to get there. If I take the bus it takes about an hour and a half. I try to take the bus because I can read on the ride there...and because it's greener.

3. The commute time is part of why I haven't been able to blog lately. Even if I drove everyday, the commute carves at least two hours out of my day. I thought I'd be able to blog on the bus but the bumpy ride makes typing too awkward and error prone.

4. My band has been working on recording new material and so that's been keeping me busy as well. We've also been meeting with some really cool people who are willing to help us kick it up a notch - band manager, web design team, and an amazing photographer!

Well, those are the big items in my life right now. There are lots of things I want to write about and so I'm trying to find the time. In the meantime, click here and help my pastor win in Metroblogging Seattle's blog competition.

290. a lighthearted take on Hillary and Barack

I was hanging out with some friends last night and I mentioned something I've been thinking about as I've listened to the battle between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. My friends seemed to enjoy the analogy and I've never heard any news sources mentioning it so I thought I'd share it with the rest of you.

If the candidates were computers, Clinton would be a PC and Obama would be a Mac.

No elaboration, I think it's pretty self-explanatory and not to be taken seriously anyway.

(if the link below doesn't work, try here)

289. the Harold experiment

For those who read my blogger blog (I also mirror my posts on MySpace), I don't know if you've noticed, but I've started tagging some of my posts. One of the tags is called The Harold Experiment and those posts are all about my ex-coworker whom I code-named "Harold." I labeled it an "experiment" because after a while, that's how it felt.

(Brief synopsis - if you're up on the situation, feel free to skip this paragraph.) See, I work in a small, specialized department of a much larger warehouse where it's just me and Harold. Harold is difficult to work with. He's not efficient, he can't (doesn't) prioritize projects, has a very short temper, and while I wouldn't go so far as to say he's lazy...I take that back, he's pretty lazy. He's also not much of a team player - unless you consider dumping all of the hard work on your coworker (me) teamwork.

It would have been really easy on numerous occasions for me to have reported Harold to my supervisors, and it was hard not to but at some point I came to see our little specialized department as a kind of laboratory and my interactions with him as a kind of experiment. I mean, I didn't think of it that way at the time, but looking back on it, that's an apt way to put it. It was a test to see if living out the Gospel in the way I had come to understand it really worked.

See, I've done a lot of thinking in the last few years about what it really means to live as a christian. One of the ways of understanding the Gospel that has been key to me is the idea that being a christian means living now the way I would if the fall had never happened or the way I will after Christ returns and redeems all of creation. So my little experiment involved trying my best to work with Harold as if he was a kick-ass, hard driving uber-worker even though he was the opposite of that.

That meant I had to bite my tongue a lot. There were so many instances where I wanted to blow up at Harold, shove his shitty work habits back in his face but I didn't. When his lack of initiative left unfinished projects strewn about, instead of letting them slip past deadline and pointing towards Harold when asked who was to blame, I stepped in and finished them for him. There were even a couple of occasions where I flat out caught him taking shortcuts that were clearly breaking company rules but instead of reporting him, I just told him I knew what he was doing and asked him not to go there again (and to his credit, he never did...at least I never caught him doing it again).

I don't mean to paint myself as a saint in this situation. I bitched a lot about Harold to some of the other people I worked with and of course I've dished it out in this blog but honestly, I did the best I could. And it's not like I had anything like a holy or reverent attitude about this little experiment. Especially in the past few months, it felt stupid and pointless because no matter how many times I finished his projects or cleaned up his mistakes, he just kept being his slow and lazy and unorganized self.

You know, looking back on it now, I'm not sure what I expected to get out of this little experiment. I mean, I did my best to not think about how unfair the situation was, how little he was working, how his lack of consideration made my job more difficult that it had to be, but I don't know if I ever expected anything to change. I just did my best to soldier on and do the job as if working for the Lord and not for Leroy (code name for my supervisor). I did my best to be Jesus to Harold.

It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done. And it took its toll on me. In the last couple months, there have been times when I've been working in the racks and I found myself punching the shit out of some of the boxes. See, in the racks, boxes are stacked three high and three deep. Sometimes the file you need is buried back in the last set of boxes and when you try to get it out, boxes in adjacent stacks get in the way and so you have to push them aside to get the box you want out. Normally all you have to do is tap the offending box a bit to make room but there were times when a kind of rage took over and I would start slamming the box with my fist, over and over again, as hard as I could.

The scariest part of this is that these little rage episodes didn't always coincide with Harold pissing me off. Sometimes it would just be an ordinary day where Harold and I were working on different things and everything would be fine until I'd run across some small, insignificant situation and all of a sudden I'm overtaken by an urge to throw something across the room or kick in the side of a box. Not like me at all.

And I've only been working there for a year. Harold's been there for five years so maybe it's no wonder that he's the way he is. But then again, Harold never had to work with a Harold.

Anyway, this past Friday was my last day working with Harold because he has the next week off (my last week at work). Normally I don't like goodbyes but I was really looking forward to the end of Friday because I knew that was going to be the last time I'd ever have to work with him. The day goes by like any other - me working like a dog and Harold working like a tree but in the last few minutes, Harold motions me aside and while I can't remember the exact words, he says something like:

"Randall, I've learned a lot from you."

Now I'm thinking he's talking about some of the work flow things that I've developed to streamline the process of getting orders pulled and out on time but then he continues,

"your work ethic and the way you treat people, I've never seen anything like it before and it's taught me a lot and I want to thank you. I know I'm not the easiest person to work with but you've really shown me something and I'm going to try to use some of what I've seen in you. So thanks, and I hope things go well for you at your new job."

I don't know how I kept myself from fainting or just staring at him with a blank look of disbelief. Instead, I shook his hand, thanked him for his kind words and wished him the best as well. He then walked out of our department, clocked out, and went home.

I couldn't believe it. That was probably one of the most stunning things anyone has ever said to me. All this time I thought he wasn't paying any attention. I thought, if anything, he was just taking advantage of my drive.

Earlier that day, I had been thinking a bit about what I was going to say to Harold when he left. I knew I wasn't going to lie to him and say something like, "it was a pleasure working with you," because it wasn't. I didn't know what I was going to say to him, I figured I'd just come up with something when that time came around. Actually, to be honest, when I did think of Harold these past couple days, I was relishing the thought of all the workload that I'd been shouldering falling squarely on him. I mean, we are training someone to take my place but she's new and so if anything, she'll be a drag on his productivity. I imagined our department full of boxes that weren't getting put away, orders that weren't getting pulled on time or correctly. I imagined the CSRs and supervisors coming down hard on Harold and once all that pressure hit his notoriously short temper, I pictured some really volatile, explosive situations.

I felt pretty stupid and evil and guilty for these thoughts after what Harold said.

I thought my little experiment was a failure, that soldiering on despite Harold's sloth was fruitless and futile. I thought I was a dolt for not complaining when I had the chance. I thought I was just banging my head against a wall that wouldn't budge.

But what if during all this time when I thought I was firing blanks I was actually planting seeds?

Of course the cynical side of me says he's just talk - that he's going to remain his slow, unorganized self, that he's going to push the bulk of the work on the new trainee. But what if some change does occur? What if he's been watching me closer that I ever considered? What if God's somehow used me to upset his world-view, showing him that there is another way to live? I mean, he's not exactly an effusive guy. Something must have been on his mind for him to open up the way he did. He could have easily just said, "good bye and good luck."

I don't know. My head is still reeling from the shock of what he said. I don't know if I'll ever see him again. I gave him my number because earlier this week he had mentioned that he was going to use his week off to try and find a new place to live so I gave him my number and told him I'd help him move if he needed it. Maybe he'll call, maybe he won't.

I don't know what's in store for Harold and I'm still processing the results of this little "experiment," but a part of me wants to believe that God will grow this little seed and give Harold new life. He doesn't have to be his crusty old self, that's just the hard, ugly shell that sin has painted over him.

And I don't know if not reporting his poor work habits was really the best way to live out the Kingdom of God (something I define as doing your best to make wherever you are a bit more like Eden and less like Babylon in whatever way you can). One thing I completely failed to consider is the work situation for the person who would take my place. If Harold remains anything like he was when I worked for him then Newbie is in for a world of hurt. Perhaps if I had known that I was going to be resigning for a new job a few months ago I would have worked more purposely at getting Harold to clean up his act so that the next person wouldn't have to face the brunt of his poor work ethic.

Again, I don't know.

But here's one thing I do know. God used me to make an impression on Harold and I don't know what God has in store for him but I feel humbled and blessed that I got to play a part.

Perhaps you've heard the phrase attributed to St. Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all times. Use words if necessary." A brief Google search turned up this link that suggests that it's not really something St. Francis said, but the story surrounding the quote is useful here so I'm going to use it anyway - because even fiction can be instructive (sometimes more so than the truth).

Story goes that St. Francis took a trip out to the local village with the members of his monastery. When asked why they were going, he told them they were going to preach the Gospel. Once in the village, St. Francis started assigning fellow monks to tasks like fixing roofs and broken fences, helping farmers haul bags of wheat, helping people haul water, sweeping and cleaning dirty streets. They spent their whole day just helping the villagers in whatever way they could.

Late in the afternoon, one of the monks asked St. Francis, "when are we going to start preaching?" And that's when he supposedly replied, "Preach the gospel always. Use words if necessary."

I share this story because I wonder if in my imperfect, clumsy way, I've been able to preach the Gospel to Harold. I never shared the Four Spiritual Laws with him or asked him to pray the Sinner's Prayer, and I don't know if I've ever told him flat out that I'm a christian but he knows I go to church and I hope I've been able to share Jesus with him through the way I've worked.

I don't know. My (ongoing) Layman's Theology series is all about a way of understanding the Gospel that has made christianity rich and meaningful for me and there are many areas of my life where I'm trying to figure out how to turn thought and theory into lifestyle and application. My little Harold experiment was a part of this exploration and, thanks be to God, it's returned a surprisingly positive result.

Further study needed to verify long term effects of experimental data but that's (literally) not my job.