Friday, October 14, 2005

99 ". . . like a lip print on her shirt"

(The title comes from this lyric: "maybe I was washed out like a lip print on her shirt," from the song God Give Me Strength by Burt Bacharach and Elvis Costello. Now on with the blog.)

Life is all about new experiences. And I just had a brand new experience tonight. I had a girl call me up and say, "I don't think things are going to work out between us." Which might be sad and more tragic if it weren't for the fact that we only went out once for tea. With that in mind, it's more funny and least that's how I'm processing it.

Back-story (also see blog 90 and 92). So a week after sharing tea with this girl (aka Apples for those in the know), I call her and ask if she wants to go see a movie. Don't get in touch with her, I leave her voicemail. I get a call a couple days later and she says she's busy. So the next week (this week) rolls around and on the advice of a friend, I decide to ask her out one more time (I was initially going to just not call her at all). Don't get her again so leave another voicemail. Which brings us to tonight and the conversation above.

Now before you feel bad for me (you, uh, were going to feel bad for me right?), let me say that I'm not crushed or anything. See, back in blog 90, I shared how the tea-date went okay, but just okay. So I'm doing fine, really. I mean I'm not diving for the bottom of a liquor bottle or anything...that's overstating it. I'm fine, really.

See, here's another thing. There are mood swings, and then there are need swings. Mood swings, everybody understands. Need swings? They're related but not the same. See, I can bee in a good mood but still feel needy or vice versa. Back when I was writing blog 90-92, I was in the worst combination - in a bad mood and needy at the same time. I think that's why I was so...well...needy and pathetic then.

Now, today? Well, I'm not in the best mood ever but for the most part, the neediness has gone away and so getting "dumped" (can you call it being dumped after only one psuedo-date?) isn't throwing me down a flight of stairs.

Anyway, I got tons of advice from the Apples and Oranges blogs and I promised I'd keep everybody updated so there's one part of it.

Oranges? I'm supposed to be working with her on a project soon and so I'm holding off on anything until then. And I have other things I need to focus on right now (see blog 98).

You know, I suppose there's a possibility that Apples heard or maybe even read what I wrote in those blogs. She's not on MySpace but I know she knows people who are. And Oranges? She's on MySpace but I'm 95 percent sure that she doesn't bother with my blog. All of which brings up a question about my writing here - if/when I end up in a relationship with someone, what's going to happen to this blog?

I like writing here, and I like being able to be open and honest about what's going on in my life. I mean there are parts that I keep to myself, but for the most part I kind of lay it all out for everyone to see.

Why? Well, I'm not entirely sure because I haven't given it a lot of thought...well, that's not true, here's a bit from blog 50:

I like the voice that emerges when I write. It's eloquent and sturdy in a way that my speech never is. When I'm writing, I feel ten feet tall and tan and handsome and able to woo women with a wink and a nod. No one tells me how to write. I bend the rules of grammar as I want and I follow them when I choose (which is actually most of the time because the rules are there for a reason). I exercise blatant disregard for spelling (though I try to clean up the typos afterwards because spelling errors are just embarrassing). In short, when I'm writing I just don't give a shit. I run through the world with my balls flapping in the wind for all to see (in real life, this is NOT a pretty picture but when I'm writing, it's Playgirl centerfold material).

See, but there I'm more talking about the little short fiction things I write (see blog 43, 57, 61, 64, 67, 71 and there are a few others). But why do I write all the confessional stuff? And why where anyone can see?

I suppose in part it's because people are reading it (blog counter reads 63 hits this week so far) and that makes me feel needed/useful/entertaining/noticed. But it's not something I do just to stroke my ego. I also like the advice I get. And writing where everyone can see kind of keeps me writing...what I mean is, I feel like I there are people reading this thing and I don't want to keep them waiting. And that's a boon for me because I need to write, it makes me feel better and it's something that God's gifted me with. And writing is craft ("you call this silly blog of yours, craft?") and craft must be honed through the process of pressing words to page. Left to my own devices, I probably wouldn't write a tenth of what I write here and that would be sad because I feel like I've learned a lot and even grown a bit from this crazy, dysfunctional blog.

Okay, I've done it again. I always tell myself I'm going to write something small and then an hour goes by and I'm still at it and then I think, "I really do need a girlfriend."

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