98. reconstruction

Last week I wrote about a message series by Greg Koukl (see blog 94). This message series has completely blown my mind, blown apart the old, broken image of God that I used to have and has replaced it with...well, that's the thing...these days it feels like the world I was familiar with has been blown apart and now I'm left to see the world anew.

I admit that I'm feeling a bit lost these days - at least when it comes to my faith. All these years I was listening for something that wasn't there to be heard. I think of those scientists who invested time and intellect into theories that were competing with the big bang theory. At the time, both ideas were new and untested and both seemed promising. But little by little, experiment after experiment, one theory edged ahead of the other. Finally, after the launch of the COBE satelite, it's findings led even the most vocal champion of the alternate theory to throw in the towel.

And then what does he do? He's spent half his life chasing something that wasn't there. I'm sure he felt a mixture of frustration and joy - joy because even though his view did not win out, at least now there was certainty as to how the universe worked. But what of all his published papers? All his hard-won equations? Chaff.

That's where I'm at. For years I tried to make something work, something that was fundamentally flawed. And I'm glad now because I'm not banging my head against a wall that won't give. But now comes the task of reconstruction, reorienting my view, finding new landmarks, new signposts, new guides to help me along. And it's not easy, and it won't be fast, but it will be true.