I don't know if you've noticed, but if you click on the "Blog" link up at the top of the MySpace menu, there's a new feature called, "View Top 8 Blogs."
My blog gets about 100 or so hits per week so I click on the link to see if I rank. Turns out one of the blogs has over 250 COMMENTS on a post that he put up YESTERDAY!
Makes me feel pretty stupid for even thinking I make a dent. Maybe if I had a hot body and a sexy, topless profile pic, I'd have more hits. What do you think, should I go hoochie to up my hit count?
Friday, October 28, 2005
109. what have I done?
Oh crap. So as for the NaNoWriMo thing (see blog 102, 106-108), I was thinking that I could write during my lunch break. And so today I tried an experiment. I wanted to see how much I could come up with in an hour (actually less, once I finish my sandwich).
(Now for those of you who know the rules of this NaNoWriMo, I'm not trying to get a head start on my novel. I was writing something else.)
Anyway, I tried to turn critical-mind off and just write but it ain't easy. Words come in like a bad cell phone connection. The ideas are trying to get through but they're all broken up and incomplete and the only way to make sense of the fragments is to stop typing and piece them together.
And then there are those words. Maybe only other writers can relate to this, but you get to a critical point in a sentence and you need a word to plug in but none of the ones your brain is picking out fit. And it sucks because you know what the rest of the sentence is supposed to say and you might even have the next sentence ready to go but the word just won't come and then the idea/inspiration you were riding starts to leave you behind like a train that won't wait and you can see it running off into the distance.
Of course I know I should just throw some boring, cliche word in as a filler and get on with it, but it's like pushing a turd into the space where a diamond should go. It feels like a betrayal.
So sometimes the right word appears, sometimes you push in the turd and hope you can catch up to the inspiration train. Sometimes you can, sometimes you have to wait for the next one to come along and hope it's as good as the one you let get away.
ANYWAY...
Anyway, my little lunch-break practice session netted a little story thing that weighed in around 480 words. The pace I need to maintain to reach 50,000 words by the end of the month is around 1,700 words per day. My little 480 word thing isn't even a third of the way there. If that pace keeps up, that means another two hours at home to make up for the rest of the 1,220 defecit.
Blah.
I didn't get to finish the story thing I was working on, I'll take a look at it after I get home and if it's worth working on, I'll finish it up and post it here...but don't hold your breath.
Anyway, four days until the madness begins.
(Now for those of you who know the rules of this NaNoWriMo, I'm not trying to get a head start on my novel. I was writing something else.)
Anyway, I tried to turn critical-mind off and just write but it ain't easy. Words come in like a bad cell phone connection. The ideas are trying to get through but they're all broken up and incomplete and the only way to make sense of the fragments is to stop typing and piece them together.
And then there are those words. Maybe only other writers can relate to this, but you get to a critical point in a sentence and you need a word to plug in but none of the ones your brain is picking out fit. And it sucks because you know what the rest of the sentence is supposed to say and you might even have the next sentence ready to go but the word just won't come and then the idea/inspiration you were riding starts to leave you behind like a train that won't wait and you can see it running off into the distance.
Of course I know I should just throw some boring, cliche word in as a filler and get on with it, but it's like pushing a turd into the space where a diamond should go. It feels like a betrayal.
So sometimes the right word appears, sometimes you push in the turd and hope you can catch up to the inspiration train. Sometimes you can, sometimes you have to wait for the next one to come along and hope it's as good as the one you let get away.
ANYWAY...
Anyway, my little lunch-break practice session netted a little story thing that weighed in around 480 words. The pace I need to maintain to reach 50,000 words by the end of the month is around 1,700 words per day. My little 480 word thing isn't even a third of the way there. If that pace keeps up, that means another two hours at home to make up for the rest of the 1,220 defecit.
Blah.
I didn't get to finish the story thing I was working on, I'll take a look at it after I get home and if it's worth working on, I'll finish it up and post it here...but don't hold your breath.
Anyway, four days until the madness begins.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
108. my characters
Yeah, I'm still grooving about the new novel idea. And then this morning, I figured out what kind of characters I want to populate my fictional world with. I call them "people on the rise and fall of the bell curve."
The bell curve is a statistical representation that appears over and over again in various social groupings (my definition, you like?). Think of a classroom. For any given test or assignment, there will probably be a small number of people who fail, a small number of people who ace out, and a bunch of people in the middle who get a C+ or B-. If you plot these numbers on a graph, you'll end up with something that looks like a bell - low on the ends, big in the middle - thus the term, "bell curve."
Anyway, it's my contention that this bell curve can be found in all areas of life. I mean think about your workplace. There are probably a few people who are on the verge of getting fired and then there are a few who are on the verge of getting promoted, and then there are the average workers in the middle.
I don't know, it works for me.
So this morning I'm thinking about what kind of people I want to write about, and then it hits me. I want to write about characters located on the rise and fall of the bell curve. By this, I mean characters who are better than the worst but not good enough to be a part of the norm - this would be a character on the rise of the bell curve. A character on the fall of the bell curve would be one who is smarter than most but not smart enough to be considered one of the elites.
Think of the movie "Good Will Hunting." Remember that math teacher who was trying to encourage Will to make something of his math talent? There's a scene where Will is in this teacher's office and he shoves a sheet of paper full of arcane math insights in his face saying, "do you have any idea how easy this is for me?" Will then lights the sheet on fire (or maybe he throws it in a fireplace, I can't remember). The teacher, horrified, retrieves the burning piece of paper, stamps out the flame and you can see the moment when he realizes what a fool Will has made of him.
This teacher is on the fall of the bell curve. He does math at a much higher level than most people, but he's not one of the elites.
I'm thinking this is a frustrating, humbling place to be. To go far but to know that the end will forever be out of reach. Or on the rise of the bell curve - to strive towards normalcy but to fall short for whatever reason.
I don't know, it's hard to find examples because they kind of fall between the cracks of character choices. And this is kind of a conceptual distinction of mine. I have a pretty good idea of what I mean, but I'm not sure exactly how to put it into words. Maybe it'll be clearer once the novel is done.
Well, this is me brainstorming about my book.
Welcome to my world.
The bell curve is a statistical representation that appears over and over again in various social groupings (my definition, you like?). Think of a classroom. For any given test or assignment, there will probably be a small number of people who fail, a small number of people who ace out, and a bunch of people in the middle who get a C+ or B-. If you plot these numbers on a graph, you'll end up with something that looks like a bell - low on the ends, big in the middle - thus the term, "bell curve."
Anyway, it's my contention that this bell curve can be found in all areas of life. I mean think about your workplace. There are probably a few people who are on the verge of getting fired and then there are a few who are on the verge of getting promoted, and then there are the average workers in the middle.
I don't know, it works for me.
So this morning I'm thinking about what kind of people I want to write about, and then it hits me. I want to write about characters located on the rise and fall of the bell curve. By this, I mean characters who are better than the worst but not good enough to be a part of the norm - this would be a character on the rise of the bell curve. A character on the fall of the bell curve would be one who is smarter than most but not smart enough to be considered one of the elites.
Think of the movie "Good Will Hunting." Remember that math teacher who was trying to encourage Will to make something of his math talent? There's a scene where Will is in this teacher's office and he shoves a sheet of paper full of arcane math insights in his face saying, "do you have any idea how easy this is for me?" Will then lights the sheet on fire (or maybe he throws it in a fireplace, I can't remember). The teacher, horrified, retrieves the burning piece of paper, stamps out the flame and you can see the moment when he realizes what a fool Will has made of him.
This teacher is on the fall of the bell curve. He does math at a much higher level than most people, but he's not one of the elites.
I'm thinking this is a frustrating, humbling place to be. To go far but to know that the end will forever be out of reach. Or on the rise of the bell curve - to strive towards normalcy but to fall short for whatever reason.
I don't know, it's hard to find examples because they kind of fall between the cracks of character choices. And this is kind of a conceptual distinction of mine. I have a pretty good idea of what I mean, but I'm not sure exactly how to put it into words. Maybe it'll be clearer once the novel is done.
Well, this is me brainstorming about my book.
Welcome to my world.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
107. see the lightbulb over my head?
I've got it!
I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to write about for National Novel Writing Month. I've been hemming and hawing, weighing various story ideas but none have had that electric buzz of genuine inspiration (most only had the dull throb of desperation).
But this morning on my way back to the office after picking up kleenex from Longs, it hit me. And now I'm chomping at the bit to get started because whereas all the other ideas were based around a more traditional three-act novel structure, the idea I have kind of abandons that framework.
In the end, it may have a kind of meta-narrative or some other kind of broad story arc but for the most part, it's going to be a mass of the kind of tiny, short story things that I've been posting here.
"But that's a short story collection, not a novel."
Yeah, it seems that way but what makes this a novel is the way the stories are connected. It's like I'm painting a portrait of a small city, randomly picking people out of the crowd and following them around for a while, documenting a bit of their day.
"But that still sounds like a short story collection."
Okay, I guess there's going to have to be some kind of meta-narrative to hold the whole thing together, but I'm not going to worry about that. I'm trusting that it will organically appear as I start documenting these fictional lives.
In addition, characters will make cameo appearances in one another's vignettes - sometimes in passing, sometimes in instrumental ways. To me, that ties everything together enough to qualify it as something more than a short story collection.
"I don't know, that still sounds a bit fishy..."
Yeah, well then sign up and write your own novel. Besides the official NaNoWriMo FAQ section contains the following:
So there.
I'm thinking this is going to be the literary equivalent of a movie like "Magnolia," or "Thirteen Conversations About One Thing," or the more recent "Crash."
Yahoo! I can't wait to get started.
"So do you have a title yet?"
Yup. It's called Leave Me Alone and Let Me Write!
"What's up with the attitude? You're the one writing these questions."
....
Sometimes it sucks to be me.
I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to write about for National Novel Writing Month. I've been hemming and hawing, weighing various story ideas but none have had that electric buzz of genuine inspiration (most only had the dull throb of desperation).
But this morning on my way back to the office after picking up kleenex from Longs, it hit me. And now I'm chomping at the bit to get started because whereas all the other ideas were based around a more traditional three-act novel structure, the idea I have kind of abandons that framework.
In the end, it may have a kind of meta-narrative or some other kind of broad story arc but for the most part, it's going to be a mass of the kind of tiny, short story things that I've been posting here.
"But that's a short story collection, not a novel."
Yeah, it seems that way but what makes this a novel is the way the stories are connected. It's like I'm painting a portrait of a small city, randomly picking people out of the crowd and following them around for a while, documenting a bit of their day.
"But that still sounds like a short story collection."
Okay, I guess there's going to have to be some kind of meta-narrative to hold the whole thing together, but I'm not going to worry about that. I'm trusting that it will organically appear as I start documenting these fictional lives.
In addition, characters will make cameo appearances in one another's vignettes - sometimes in passing, sometimes in instrumental ways. To me, that ties everything together enough to qualify it as something more than a short story collection.
"I don't know, that still sounds a bit fishy..."
Yeah, well then sign up and write your own novel. Besides the official NaNoWriMo FAQ section contains the following:
We define a novel as "a lengthy work of fiction." Beyond that, we let you decide whether what you're writing falls under the heading of "novel." In short: If you believe you're writing a novel, we believe you're writing a novel too.
So there.
I'm thinking this is going to be the literary equivalent of a movie like "Magnolia," or "Thirteen Conversations About One Thing," or the more recent "Crash."
Yahoo! I can't wait to get started.
"So do you have a title yet?"
Yup. It's called Leave Me Alone and Let Me Write!
"What's up with the attitude? You're the one writing these questions."
....
Sometimes it sucks to be me.
Monday, October 24, 2005
106. me in three weeks...
So I signed up for National Novel Writers Month. I know I haven't been posting a lot here. Maybe I'm trying to save up my words for my novel.
I need to come up with at least 50,000 words by the end of November to "win."
"So what do you win?"
Um..well, they send you a certificate and I think I get a mention on their website. Oh, and I have the first draft of a novel to work with.
"That's it?"
Okay, this is going to be hard enough w/o your sarcasm.
"Psh. Whatever."
Anyway, saw this gif file on the NaNoWriMo message board and was cracking up because I'm sure it's a prophetic glimpse into the next four weeks of my life.
I need to come up with at least 50,000 words by the end of November to "win."
"So what do you win?"
Um..well, they send you a certificate and I think I get a mention on their website. Oh, and I have the first draft of a novel to work with.
"That's it?"
Okay, this is going to be hard enough w/o your sarcasm.
"Psh. Whatever."
Anyway, saw this gif file on the NaNoWriMo message board and was cracking up because I'm sure it's a prophetic glimpse into the next four weeks of my life.
...wish me luck.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
105. another borrowed (stolen) blog entry
unabridged version found here: gapingvoid
How To Be Creative
So you want to be more creative, in art, in business, whatever. Here are some tips that have worked for me over the years:
1. Ignore everybody.
2. The idea doesn't have to be big. It just has to change the world.
3. Put the hours in.
4. If your biz plan depends on you suddenly being "discovered" by some big shot, your plan will probably fail.
5. You are responsible for your own experience.
6. Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten.
7. Keep your day job.
8. Companies that squelch creativity can no longer compete with companies that champion creativity.
9. Everybody has their own private Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb.
10. The more talented somebody is, the less they need the props.
11. Don't try to stand out from the crowd; avoid crowds altogether.
12. If you accept the pain, it cannot hurt you.
13. Never compare your inside with somebody else's outside.
14. Dying young is overrated.
15. The most important thing a creative person can learn professionally is where to draw the red line that separates what you are willing to do, and what you are not.
16. The world is changing.
17. Merit can be bought. Passion can't.
18. Avoid the Watercooler Gang.
19. Sing in your own voice.
20. The choice of media is irrelevant.
21. Selling out is harder than it looks.
22. Nobody cares. Do it for yourself.
23. Worrying about "Commercial vs. Artistic" is a complete waste of time.
24. Don’t worry about finding inspiration. It comes eventually.
25. You have to find your own schtick.
26. Write from the heart.
27. The best way to get approval is not to need it.
28. Power is never given. Power is taken.
29. Whatever choice you make, The Devil gets his due eventually.
30. The hardest part of being creative is getting used to it.
How To Be Creative
So you want to be more creative, in art, in business, whatever. Here are some tips that have worked for me over the years:
1. Ignore everybody.
2. The idea doesn't have to be big. It just has to change the world.
3. Put the hours in.
4. If your biz plan depends on you suddenly being "discovered" by some big shot, your plan will probably fail.
5. You are responsible for your own experience.
6. Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten.
7. Keep your day job.
8. Companies that squelch creativity can no longer compete with companies that champion creativity.
9. Everybody has their own private Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb.
10. The more talented somebody is, the less they need the props.
11. Don't try to stand out from the crowd; avoid crowds altogether.
12. If you accept the pain, it cannot hurt you.
13. Never compare your inside with somebody else's outside.
14. Dying young is overrated.
15. The most important thing a creative person can learn professionally is where to draw the red line that separates what you are willing to do, and what you are not.
16. The world is changing.
17. Merit can be bought. Passion can't.
18. Avoid the Watercooler Gang.
19. Sing in your own voice.
20. The choice of media is irrelevant.
21. Selling out is harder than it looks.
22. Nobody cares. Do it for yourself.
23. Worrying about "Commercial vs. Artistic" is a complete waste of time.
24. Don’t worry about finding inspiration. It comes eventually.
25. You have to find your own schtick.
26. Write from the heart.
27. The best way to get approval is not to need it.
28. Power is never given. Power is taken.
29. Whatever choice you make, The Devil gets his due eventually.
30. The hardest part of being creative is getting used to it.
104. brilliant blog entry (borrowed)
Found this at dissonant bible. Loved it so much I wanted to share.
what must I do?
As the Church was going on its way, a young man ran up to it and fell on his knees before it. "Good teacher, "he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
The Church smiled down at him. "How about joining an Alpha course or Emmaus or one of our weekly study groups? Or maybe you'd like to train as a chalice-bearer or sidesman?"
The man was puzzled. Very few of the words the Church had used meant anything to him at all.
So, the Church looked at the man and assessed his needs. "One thing you lack," it said. "A decent middle class education. Go, get some A-levels and then come back. You'll be at home here, then. We'll make a good Christian of you yet..."
At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, for he had no time or money to go to college.
The Church looked around and said to its clergy, "How hard it is for the poorly educated to enter the kingdom of God." It shrugged. "Oh well, you can't win them all. Now, who's interested in joining a committee to look at possible liturgical revisions for the season of Epiphany?"
(Mark 10.17-23)
what must I do?
As the Church was going on its way, a young man ran up to it and fell on his knees before it. "Good teacher, "he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
The Church smiled down at him. "How about joining an Alpha course or Emmaus or one of our weekly study groups? Or maybe you'd like to train as a chalice-bearer or sidesman?"
The man was puzzled. Very few of the words the Church had used meant anything to him at all.
So, the Church looked at the man and assessed his needs. "One thing you lack," it said. "A decent middle class education. Go, get some A-levels and then come back. You'll be at home here, then. We'll make a good Christian of you yet..."
At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, for he had no time or money to go to college.
The Church looked around and said to its clergy, "How hard it is for the poorly educated to enter the kingdom of God." It shrugged. "Oh well, you can't win them all. Now, who's interested in joining a committee to look at possible liturgical revisions for the season of Epiphany?"
(Mark 10.17-23)
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
103. un petit miracle
So this past Sunday I tell Rodney, the worship band leader, that I'm only going to be playing with him two more Sundays. After that I'm joining up with my friend Blake (aka Clone A) to start up an old school (we're talking about early church, Book of Acts) home church. I knew this was going to be a blow to Rodney because the church had just gone to three Sunday services (up from two services) and he only has two drummers (including me).
He took the news well (what else could he do?) but I could tell he was worried. So anyway, we're going through sound check and who should walk in the door but Stan (a great drummer Rodney and I both know from another church we used to attend). I turn to look at Rodney and he has the same I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter grin on his face as I do. Turns out Stan and familiy are kinda-sorta looking for a new church.
Stan didn't make any commitments, but I think the message is that God's going to take care of his church. I mean...he's God, you know?
He took the news well (what else could he do?) but I could tell he was worried. So anyway, we're going through sound check and who should walk in the door but Stan (a great drummer Rodney and I both know from another church we used to attend). I turn to look at Rodney and he has the same I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter grin on his face as I do. Turns out Stan and familiy are kinda-sorta looking for a new church.
Stan didn't make any commitments, but I think the message is that God's going to take care of his church. I mean...he's God, you know?
102. love and the power of imagination
So I'm planning on signing up for this writing project (National Novel Writing Month) and I'm tossing around a couple ideas with which to write this novel. A couple of them (of course) center around love. Which makes me wonder - having never really been in a relationship, how well can I write about love? Imagination takes one so far, but at some point seams of inexperience are bound to appear, fracturing any fragile sense of verisimilitude that had been constructed. No?
I touched on this before (see blog 51 and 52).
I'm not saying you have to be a former drug user to write a character who abuses drugs...but I'm sure it helps.
The way I see it, lacking experience, I can only rely on things I've read or seen or heard about love. But to me, great writing is about pulling out the details that normally get missed in the rush of everyday life. It's the messy details that sell the story, gets you to buy into the fabricated world. It's one of the things that separates pop fiction from literature (not that I'm under the delusion that I'm about to write the great American novel, but still I want to write something that has mass, substance, weight).
(I'm thinking that the hardest part is going to be the dialogue.)
But if my writing has taught me anything, it's taught me that it's a leap of faith. I mean it literally feels, sometimes, like leaping off a cliff. I start with an idea, a sentence, a word and I put it on the page and from there it's a free-fall - I'm trusting that words are going to be there to keep me afloat. And if I get really lucky I find a strong up-draft and the words start coming faster than I can get them down.
Anyway, here's to writing and to imagination and to a really fast, really intense relationship to come my way in the week and a half before this writing project starts.
I touched on this before (see blog 51 and 52).
I'm not saying you have to be a former drug user to write a character who abuses drugs...but I'm sure it helps.
The way I see it, lacking experience, I can only rely on things I've read or seen or heard about love. But to me, great writing is about pulling out the details that normally get missed in the rush of everyday life. It's the messy details that sell the story, gets you to buy into the fabricated world. It's one of the things that separates pop fiction from literature (not that I'm under the delusion that I'm about to write the great American novel, but still I want to write something that has mass, substance, weight).
(I'm thinking that the hardest part is going to be the dialogue.)
But if my writing has taught me anything, it's taught me that it's a leap of faith. I mean it literally feels, sometimes, like leaping off a cliff. I start with an idea, a sentence, a word and I put it on the page and from there it's a free-fall - I'm trusting that words are going to be there to keep me afloat. And if I get really lucky I find a strong up-draft and the words start coming faster than I can get them down.
Anyway, here's to writing and to imagination and to a really fast, really intense relationship to come my way in the week and a half before this writing project starts.
Monday, October 17, 2005
101. Ming
So I'm hanging out at Ryan's talking with my friend, Ming. We get to talking about this art project thing that I'm working on with a friend and Ming is just picking at every little nit he can find and it starts driving me nuts because he just doesn't let up. And so finally I can't take it anymore and I say, "geeze Ming, what the fuck?" which is quite an accomplishment on his part because it's not easy to get me that worked up.
He seemed to dial it back a bit after that. But I know why he did what he did, and it was all good in the end. I was talking ivory tower, high concept ideas and he was bringing up practical, real world concerns and that's good because the rubber has to meet the road somewhere and you'd better make sure you have enough gas to get where you want to go.
But I think of the movie, Apollo 13.
There's a scene where the crew of the damaged spacecraft get into an argument when Jack Swigert (Kevin Bacon) brings up a point about their re-entry angle being too shallow which would cause them to bounce off the atmosphere, back out into space with no way to turn around. Jim Lovell (Tom Hanks...always Tom Hanks to the rescue) defuses the situation by saying, "Now listen, there's a thousand things that have to happen in order to get us back home. We're on number eight. You're talking about number six hundred and ninety-two."
And that's how I felt about all the things Ming was bringing up. Yeah, there are problems galore, but let's take it bit by bit. Now to be fair, in this analogy Swigert was bringing up a problem that could have potentially made steps 8 - 691 irrelevant, but they made it back to earth so I win.
Geeze Ming, I think you're going to make one kick ass lawyer. The way you were grilling me there, if I were a defendant and you were a prosecutor, I bet you could have gotten me to confess to dressing up a as a woman and committing lewd, unnatural acts with poodles. (objection, badgering the witness)
He seemed to dial it back a bit after that. But I know why he did what he did, and it was all good in the end. I was talking ivory tower, high concept ideas and he was bringing up practical, real world concerns and that's good because the rubber has to meet the road somewhere and you'd better make sure you have enough gas to get where you want to go.
But I think of the movie, Apollo 13.
There's a scene where the crew of the damaged spacecraft get into an argument when Jack Swigert (Kevin Bacon) brings up a point about their re-entry angle being too shallow which would cause them to bounce off the atmosphere, back out into space with no way to turn around. Jim Lovell (Tom Hanks...always Tom Hanks to the rescue) defuses the situation by saying, "Now listen, there's a thousand things that have to happen in order to get us back home. We're on number eight. You're talking about number six hundred and ninety-two."
And that's how I felt about all the things Ming was bringing up. Yeah, there are problems galore, but let's take it bit by bit. Now to be fair, in this analogy Swigert was bringing up a problem that could have potentially made steps 8 - 691 irrelevant, but they made it back to earth so I win.
Geeze Ming, I think you're going to make one kick ass lawyer. The way you were grilling me there, if I were a defendant and you were a prosecutor, I bet you could have gotten me to confess to dressing up a as a woman and committing lewd, unnatural acts with poodles. (objection, badgering the witness)
Sunday, October 16, 2005
100. the fall of man
I think of Adam and Eve and of the fall they caused. I wonder if they could have known the vast consequences of their little meal of forbidden fruit - from the wars, the tsunamis, genocide, and corrupt leaders who bask in wealth while their subjects die slow, hungry deaths to everyday tragedies like affairs, muggings, stolen property, broken hearts.
And then I think of Jesus Christ, who took the weight of the fall and all of its consequences upon himself, all to reconcile us to the Father.
"Yes, Adam's one sin brought condemnation upon everyone, but Christ's one act of righteousness makes all people right in God's sight and gives them life. Because one person disobeyed God, many people became sinners. But because one other person obeyed God, many people will be made right in God's sight." Romans 5:18-19 (NLT)
Thanks be to God.
And then I think of Jesus Christ, who took the weight of the fall and all of its consequences upon himself, all to reconcile us to the Father.
"Yes, Adam's one sin brought condemnation upon everyone, but Christ's one act of righteousness makes all people right in God's sight and gives them life. Because one person disobeyed God, many people became sinners. But because one other person obeyed God, many people will be made right in God's sight." Romans 5:18-19 (NLT)
Thanks be to God.
Friday, October 14, 2005
99 ". . . like a lip print on her shirt"
(The title comes from this lyric: "maybe I was washed out like a lip print on her shirt," from the song God Give Me Strength by Burt Bacharach and Elvis Costello. Now on with the blog.)
Life is all about new experiences. And I just had a brand new experience tonight. I had a girl call me up and say, "I don't think things are going to work out between us." Which might be sad and more tragic if it weren't for the fact that we only went out once for tea. With that in mind, it's more funny and confusing...at least that's how I'm processing it.
Back-story (also see blog 90 and 92). So a week after sharing tea with this girl (aka Apples for those in the know), I call her and ask if she wants to go see a movie. Don't get in touch with her, I leave her voicemail. I get a call a couple days later and she says she's busy. So the next week (this week) rolls around and on the advice of a friend, I decide to ask her out one more time (I was initially going to just not call her at all). Don't get her again so leave another voicemail. Which brings us to tonight and the conversation above.
Now before you feel bad for me (you, uh, were going to feel bad for me right?), let me say that I'm not crushed or anything. See, back in blog 90, I shared how the tea-date went okay, but just okay. So I'm doing fine, really. I mean I'm not diving for the bottom of a liquor bottle or anything...that's overstating it. I'm fine, really.
See, here's another thing. There are mood swings, and then there are need swings. Mood swings, everybody understands. Need swings? They're related but not the same. See, I can bee in a good mood but still feel needy or vice versa. Back when I was writing blog 90-92, I was in the worst combination - in a bad mood and needy at the same time. I think that's why I was so...well...needy and pathetic then.
Now, today? Well, I'm not in the best mood ever but for the most part, the neediness has gone away and so getting "dumped" (can you call it being dumped after only one psuedo-date?) isn't throwing me down a flight of stairs.
Anyway, I got tons of advice from the Apples and Oranges blogs and I promised I'd keep everybody updated so there's one part of it.
Oranges? I'm supposed to be working with her on a project soon and so I'm holding off on anything until then. And I have other things I need to focus on right now (see blog 98).
You know, I suppose there's a possibility that Apples heard or maybe even read what I wrote in those blogs. She's not on MySpace but I know she knows people who are. And Oranges? She's on MySpace but I'm 95 percent sure that she doesn't bother with my blog. All of which brings up a question about my writing here - if/when I end up in a relationship with someone, what's going to happen to this blog?
I like writing here, and I like being able to be open and honest about what's going on in my life. I mean there are parts that I keep to myself, but for the most part I kind of lay it all out for everyone to see.
Why? Well, I'm not entirely sure because I haven't given it a lot of thought...well, that's not true, here's a bit from blog 50:
I like the voice that emerges when I write. It's eloquent and sturdy in a way that my speech never is. When I'm writing, I feel ten feet tall and tan and handsome and able to woo women with a wink and a nod. No one tells me how to write. I bend the rules of grammar as I want and I follow them when I choose (which is actually most of the time because the rules are there for a reason). I exercise blatant disregard for spelling (though I try to clean up the typos afterwards because spelling errors are just embarrassing). In short, when I'm writing I just don't give a shit. I run through the world with my balls flapping in the wind for all to see (in real life, this is NOT a pretty picture but when I'm writing, it's Playgirl centerfold material).
See, but there I'm more talking about the little short fiction things I write (see blog 43, 57, 61, 64, 67, 71 and there are a few others). But why do I write all the confessional stuff? And why where anyone can see?
I suppose in part it's because people are reading it (blog counter reads 63 hits this week so far) and that makes me feel needed/useful/entertaining/noticed. But it's not something I do just to stroke my ego. I also like the advice I get. And writing where everyone can see kind of keeps me writing...what I mean is, I feel like I there are people reading this thing and I don't want to keep them waiting. And that's a boon for me because I need to write, it makes me feel better and it's something that God's gifted me with. And writing is craft ("you call this silly blog of yours, craft?") and craft must be honed through the process of pressing words to page. Left to my own devices, I probably wouldn't write a tenth of what I write here and that would be sad because I feel like I've learned a lot and even grown a bit from this crazy, dysfunctional blog.
Okay, I've done it again. I always tell myself I'm going to write something small and then an hour goes by and I'm still at it and then I think, "I really do need a girlfriend."
Life is all about new experiences. And I just had a brand new experience tonight. I had a girl call me up and say, "I don't think things are going to work out between us." Which might be sad and more tragic if it weren't for the fact that we only went out once for tea. With that in mind, it's more funny and confusing...at least that's how I'm processing it.
Back-story (also see blog 90 and 92). So a week after sharing tea with this girl (aka Apples for those in the know), I call her and ask if she wants to go see a movie. Don't get in touch with her, I leave her voicemail. I get a call a couple days later and she says she's busy. So the next week (this week) rolls around and on the advice of a friend, I decide to ask her out one more time (I was initially going to just not call her at all). Don't get her again so leave another voicemail. Which brings us to tonight and the conversation above.
Now before you feel bad for me (you, uh, were going to feel bad for me right?), let me say that I'm not crushed or anything. See, back in blog 90, I shared how the tea-date went okay, but just okay. So I'm doing fine, really. I mean I'm not diving for the bottom of a liquor bottle or anything...that's overstating it. I'm fine, really.
See, here's another thing. There are mood swings, and then there are need swings. Mood swings, everybody understands. Need swings? They're related but not the same. See, I can bee in a good mood but still feel needy or vice versa. Back when I was writing blog 90-92, I was in the worst combination - in a bad mood and needy at the same time. I think that's why I was so...well...needy and pathetic then.
Now, today? Well, I'm not in the best mood ever but for the most part, the neediness has gone away and so getting "dumped" (can you call it being dumped after only one psuedo-date?) isn't throwing me down a flight of stairs.
Anyway, I got tons of advice from the Apples and Oranges blogs and I promised I'd keep everybody updated so there's one part of it.
Oranges? I'm supposed to be working with her on a project soon and so I'm holding off on anything until then. And I have other things I need to focus on right now (see blog 98).
You know, I suppose there's a possibility that Apples heard or maybe even read what I wrote in those blogs. She's not on MySpace but I know she knows people who are. And Oranges? She's on MySpace but I'm 95 percent sure that she doesn't bother with my blog. All of which brings up a question about my writing here - if/when I end up in a relationship with someone, what's going to happen to this blog?
I like writing here, and I like being able to be open and honest about what's going on in my life. I mean there are parts that I keep to myself, but for the most part I kind of lay it all out for everyone to see.
Why? Well, I'm not entirely sure because I haven't given it a lot of thought...well, that's not true, here's a bit from blog 50:
I like the voice that emerges when I write. It's eloquent and sturdy in a way that my speech never is. When I'm writing, I feel ten feet tall and tan and handsome and able to woo women with a wink and a nod. No one tells me how to write. I bend the rules of grammar as I want and I follow them when I choose (which is actually most of the time because the rules are there for a reason). I exercise blatant disregard for spelling (though I try to clean up the typos afterwards because spelling errors are just embarrassing). In short, when I'm writing I just don't give a shit. I run through the world with my balls flapping in the wind for all to see (in real life, this is NOT a pretty picture but when I'm writing, it's Playgirl centerfold material).
See, but there I'm more talking about the little short fiction things I write (see blog 43, 57, 61, 64, 67, 71 and there are a few others). But why do I write all the confessional stuff? And why where anyone can see?
I suppose in part it's because people are reading it (blog counter reads 63 hits this week so far) and that makes me feel needed/useful/entertaining/noticed. But it's not something I do just to stroke my ego. I also like the advice I get. And writing where everyone can see kind of keeps me writing...what I mean is, I feel like I there are people reading this thing and I don't want to keep them waiting. And that's a boon for me because I need to write, it makes me feel better and it's something that God's gifted me with. And writing is craft ("you call this silly blog of yours, craft?") and craft must be honed through the process of pressing words to page. Left to my own devices, I probably wouldn't write a tenth of what I write here and that would be sad because I feel like I've learned a lot and even grown a bit from this crazy, dysfunctional blog.
Okay, I've done it again. I always tell myself I'm going to write something small and then an hour goes by and I'm still at it and then I think, "I really do need a girlfriend."
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
98. reconstruction
Last week I wrote about a message series by Greg Koukl (see blog 94). This message series has completely blown my mind, blown apart the old, broken image of God that I used to have and has replaced it with...well, that's the thing...these days it feels like the world I was familiar with has been blown apart and now I'm left to see the world anew.
I admit that I'm feeling a bit lost these days - at least when it comes to my faith. All these years I was listening for something that wasn't there to be heard. I think of those scientists who invested time and intellect into theories that were competing with the big bang theory. At the time, both ideas were new and untested and both seemed promising. But little by little, experiment after experiment, one theory edged ahead of the other. Finally, after the launch of the COBE satelite, it's findings led even the most vocal champion of the alternate theory to throw in the towel.
And then what does he do? He's spent half his life chasing something that wasn't there. I'm sure he felt a mixture of frustration and joy - joy because even though his view did not win out, at least now there was certainty as to how the universe worked. But what of all his published papers? All his hard-won equations? Chaff.
That's where I'm at. For years I tried to make something work, something that was fundamentally flawed. And I'm glad now because I'm not banging my head against a wall that won't give. But now comes the task of reconstruction, reorienting my view, finding new landmarks, new signposts, new guides to help me along. And it's not easy, and it won't be fast, but it will be true.
I admit that I'm feeling a bit lost these days - at least when it comes to my faith. All these years I was listening for something that wasn't there to be heard. I think of those scientists who invested time and intellect into theories that were competing with the big bang theory. At the time, both ideas were new and untested and both seemed promising. But little by little, experiment after experiment, one theory edged ahead of the other. Finally, after the launch of the COBE satelite, it's findings led even the most vocal champion of the alternate theory to throw in the towel.
And then what does he do? He's spent half his life chasing something that wasn't there. I'm sure he felt a mixture of frustration and joy - joy because even though his view did not win out, at least now there was certainty as to how the universe worked. But what of all his published papers? All his hard-won equations? Chaff.
That's where I'm at. For years I tried to make something work, something that was fundamentally flawed. And I'm glad now because I'm not banging my head against a wall that won't give. But now comes the task of reconstruction, reorienting my view, finding new landmarks, new signposts, new guides to help me along. And it's not easy, and it won't be fast, but it will be true.
97. book whore
Part 1
I'm still as single as ever. Maybe I'm using books to make up the difference, but if that's the case then I'm a bookish slut. I'm literally in the middle of three...no, make that four books. One (on the bedstand) I read before going to bed: Man Walks Into A Room by Nicole Kraus. One (next to the toilet) I read while taking a dump: The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. Another (in my bag) I read during my lunch breaks: On Intelligence by Jeff Hawkins. The last one (in my car...don't ask why) is one that I started reading when I was waiting for something and happened to have this book handy: Everyday Apocalypse by David Dark.
All the books are very different so it's not very hard to juggle them in my mind. And I like reading this way because I have a wide variety of interests and I get bored easily. But this last book, Everyday Apocalypse, is really stirring my noodle.
Do you ever run across a book and it's like the author is hinting at answers to thorny questions that you've been wrestling with but not making any progress on? And you start thinking to yourself, "holy shit, THIS is what I've been searching for!" That's the kind of kick in the brain that this book is giving me.
I've only just started it and so I don't want to write too much about what I'm getting out of it, but it's exciting, challenging, powerful stuff. Stay tuned for updates.
I'm still as single as ever. Maybe I'm using books to make up the difference, but if that's the case then I'm a bookish slut. I'm literally in the middle of three...no, make that four books. One (on the bedstand) I read before going to bed: Man Walks Into A Room by Nicole Kraus. One (next to the toilet) I read while taking a dump: The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. Another (in my bag) I read during my lunch breaks: On Intelligence by Jeff Hawkins. The last one (in my car...don't ask why) is one that I started reading when I was waiting for something and happened to have this book handy: Everyday Apocalypse by David Dark.
All the books are very different so it's not very hard to juggle them in my mind. And I like reading this way because I have a wide variety of interests and I get bored easily. But this last book, Everyday Apocalypse, is really stirring my noodle.
Do you ever run across a book and it's like the author is hinting at answers to thorny questions that you've been wrestling with but not making any progress on? And you start thinking to yourself, "holy shit, THIS is what I've been searching for!" That's the kind of kick in the brain that this book is giving me.
I've only just started it and so I don't want to write too much about what I'm getting out of it, but it's exciting, challenging, powerful stuff. Stay tuned for updates.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
96. movie trailers (film buffs only)
I love movie trailers. I mean, I REALLY love movie trailers. And I'm not sure why. And so I'm going to take a trailer from the movie, Elizabethtown and kind of analyze it cut by cut. (You can click on that link and watch the trailer I'm talking about by clicking on the "Video" link at the top.)
Here's the trailer breakdown:
It starts with the face of Orlando Bloom and a voice-over - his voice. "Let me tell you about my day."
And then it cuts to the face of Jeff Daniels speaking to Bloom. "You're about to lose this company; 972 Million dollars."
Cut to Daniels laughing, patting Bloom on the back. Then we go back to Bloom's VO. "I got fired by a Phil."
Cut to a female walking into the frame, through a doorway. Bloom, "I got dumped by an Ellen.
Cut to couple other scenes of this female and Bloom, obviously hinting at the end of their relationship.
Cut to Bloom on a couch in a residential setting. "And then when things couldn't get any worse. . ."
Sound of a phone ringing.
Dissolve to woman on another couch in another residence. "Drew, it's your sister. I have some really bad news."
Quick dissolves to Bloom saying good bye to people.
Dissolve to an airplane at twilight or dusk.
VO "Louisville, Kentucky huh? Home business or family?" Dissolve to flight attendant (Kirsten Dunst) speaking to Bloom.
Bloom, "My dad."
Dunst, "He's okay right?"
Boom, looking down, "He's . . ." There is a pause and then he looks at Dunst.
Cut to Dunst looking back at him.
Dissolve to Bloom, alone, trying to sleep in the plane.
Cut to Dunst looking at him from down the aisle (camera pushing in on her face). She has a look of concern/interest, maybe a hint of attraction.
Dissolve to Bloom walking away from the baggage claim area.
Dissolve to Dunst taking a mental photograph of him walking away.
Dissolve to car driving down the road - music bed starts, mid-tempo rock song.
Fast cuts between Bloom at a family reunion with odd, obsequious family members, all pressing in a bit too close for Bloom's comfort.
Dissolve to Bloom, exhausted, sinking into a couch. Sound of a cell phone ringing.
"Hello, stranger." Dissolve to see Dunst speaking these words in an airport setting.
Dissolve to Bloom laughing with a cell phone to his ear.
The trailer goes into a kind of sub-plot where Bloom needs to go back to somewhere else, maybe his mother's house.
Dissolve to Bloom and Dunst overlooking a river valley. Dissolve to other montage clips.
Bloom VO, "we were actually going to drive down here together. We were supposed to get to know each other better as adults. Next year."
Dissolve to Bloom standing over a casket in a funeral home. He salutes his father.
Dissolve to Bloom and Dunst walking away from the camera down a long, wide, public space hallway - maybe the lobby of a hotel. Dissolve to two shot of Bloom and Dunst, Dunst looks up longingly at Bloom.
Dissolve to another scene with Dunst saying, "I have this thing for you."
Dissolve to Bloom turning around, looking back at Dunst (off screen).
"It's a very unique map." Cut back to Dunst handing Bloom a large box. "It's for your road trip home."
Cut to hand putting a CD into a car CD player.
"Cut to an interior shot looking out a car window driving down a long highway.
Dunst VO. "Roll down your window." Music starts.
Cut to Bloom at the wheel, laughing.
Dissolve to shots of Bloom opening a map, more shots of a car driving, landscapes, Bloom walking down a bridge, Dunst with a cell phone to her head, smiling.
Dunst VO. "This is your life. Let's do something interesting with it."
Dissolve between more quick shots of Bloom in various settings.
Dissolve to Bloom driving saying, "Dad, we should have taken this trip years ago."
Dissolve to more shots of car driving down the road.
Dissolve to Dunst shouting into a podium mic, in a large banquet hall setting, "I like you!"
Dissolve to Bloom looking at her with a confused/curious expression.
Cut back to Dunst at the podium. "What?"
Cut to wide two shot of Bloom facing Dunst, still behind the podium. "I think you should eat something."
Cut to Bloom kissing Dunst.
Cut to last star shots of Bloom and Dunst (with their names in text on the screen).
Cut back to two shot of Bloom kissing Dunst. He breaks the kiss then says, "please don't take this as rejection." Dunst says in reply, "I really don't." They kiss again.
Dissolve to title then credits.
ANALYSIS:
All of that in what probably is no more than two or three minutes, but it's enough to build a story in the viewer's mind.
And maybe that's what's so great about it - we get these tiny hints, these little snippets of story and they form a kind of skeleton of a story, complete with bits from all three acts. But it's only an outline, painted with broad strokes, relying heavily on stereotypical filmic images - we see Dunst laughing while lying on the couch with a cell phone to her ear, and we automatically infer that she is falling in love.
But here's what's so great about trailers. We only get fed these very vague plot points and the images behind the voiceovers also serve as hints, but there are strategic breaks inserted where there are no voiceovers and our mind is left to fill in the details in whatever way we want.
And that's the genius of the trailer. With its purposely vague plot points, it tricks the viewer into filling in the holes with details that they want to see. And perhaps even more than that, it tempts us to use details that relate to our own life which can give the impression that this movie was made with you in mind - because you're using your imagination to fill in the gaps between the plot points and because they're left up to you, you fill them in with details that are meaningful to you. Thus, you're left with the feeling that you have to see this movie because you relate to it so well (even though you only relate to it because you filled in the gaps that way).
When you look at it this way, it's pretty subversive stuff - I mean seen this way, trailers really get inside your head and use your own expectations to sell the movie to you.
But I still love trailers. They fascinate me and more often than not (unfortunately), the trailer turns out to be better than the movie it's advertising.
Here's the trailer breakdown:
It starts with the face of Orlando Bloom and a voice-over - his voice. "Let me tell you about my day."
And then it cuts to the face of Jeff Daniels speaking to Bloom. "You're about to lose this company; 972 Million dollars."
Cut to Daniels laughing, patting Bloom on the back. Then we go back to Bloom's VO. "I got fired by a Phil."
Cut to a female walking into the frame, through a doorway. Bloom, "I got dumped by an Ellen.
Cut to couple other scenes of this female and Bloom, obviously hinting at the end of their relationship.
Cut to Bloom on a couch in a residential setting. "And then when things couldn't get any worse. . ."
Sound of a phone ringing.
Dissolve to woman on another couch in another residence. "Drew, it's your sister. I have some really bad news."
Quick dissolves to Bloom saying good bye to people.
Dissolve to an airplane at twilight or dusk.
VO "Louisville, Kentucky huh? Home business or family?" Dissolve to flight attendant (Kirsten Dunst) speaking to Bloom.
Bloom, "My dad."
Dunst, "He's okay right?"
Boom, looking down, "He's . . ." There is a pause and then he looks at Dunst.
Cut to Dunst looking back at him.
Dissolve to Bloom, alone, trying to sleep in the plane.
Cut to Dunst looking at him from down the aisle (camera pushing in on her face). She has a look of concern/interest, maybe a hint of attraction.
Dissolve to Bloom walking away from the baggage claim area.
Dissolve to Dunst taking a mental photograph of him walking away.
Dissolve to car driving down the road - music bed starts, mid-tempo rock song.
Fast cuts between Bloom at a family reunion with odd, obsequious family members, all pressing in a bit too close for Bloom's comfort.
Dissolve to Bloom, exhausted, sinking into a couch. Sound of a cell phone ringing.
"Hello, stranger." Dissolve to see Dunst speaking these words in an airport setting.
Dissolve to Bloom laughing with a cell phone to his ear.
The trailer goes into a kind of sub-plot where Bloom needs to go back to somewhere else, maybe his mother's house.
Dissolve to Bloom and Dunst overlooking a river valley. Dissolve to other montage clips.
Bloom VO, "we were actually going to drive down here together. We were supposed to get to know each other better as adults. Next year."
Dissolve to Bloom standing over a casket in a funeral home. He salutes his father.
Dissolve to Bloom and Dunst walking away from the camera down a long, wide, public space hallway - maybe the lobby of a hotel. Dissolve to two shot of Bloom and Dunst, Dunst looks up longingly at Bloom.
Dissolve to another scene with Dunst saying, "I have this thing for you."
Dissolve to Bloom turning around, looking back at Dunst (off screen).
"It's a very unique map." Cut back to Dunst handing Bloom a large box. "It's for your road trip home."
Cut to hand putting a CD into a car CD player.
"Cut to an interior shot looking out a car window driving down a long highway.
Dunst VO. "Roll down your window." Music starts.
Cut to Bloom at the wheel, laughing.
Dissolve to shots of Bloom opening a map, more shots of a car driving, landscapes, Bloom walking down a bridge, Dunst with a cell phone to her head, smiling.
Dunst VO. "This is your life. Let's do something interesting with it."
Dissolve between more quick shots of Bloom in various settings.
Dissolve to Bloom driving saying, "Dad, we should have taken this trip years ago."
Dissolve to more shots of car driving down the road.
Dissolve to Dunst shouting into a podium mic, in a large banquet hall setting, "I like you!"
Dissolve to Bloom looking at her with a confused/curious expression.
Cut back to Dunst at the podium. "What?"
Cut to wide two shot of Bloom facing Dunst, still behind the podium. "I think you should eat something."
Cut to Bloom kissing Dunst.
Cut to last star shots of Bloom and Dunst (with their names in text on the screen).
Cut back to two shot of Bloom kissing Dunst. He breaks the kiss then says, "please don't take this as rejection." Dunst says in reply, "I really don't." They kiss again.
Dissolve to title then credits.
ANALYSIS:
All of that in what probably is no more than two or three minutes, but it's enough to build a story in the viewer's mind.
And maybe that's what's so great about it - we get these tiny hints, these little snippets of story and they form a kind of skeleton of a story, complete with bits from all three acts. But it's only an outline, painted with broad strokes, relying heavily on stereotypical filmic images - we see Dunst laughing while lying on the couch with a cell phone to her ear, and we automatically infer that she is falling in love.
But here's what's so great about trailers. We only get fed these very vague plot points and the images behind the voiceovers also serve as hints, but there are strategic breaks inserted where there are no voiceovers and our mind is left to fill in the details in whatever way we want.
And that's the genius of the trailer. With its purposely vague plot points, it tricks the viewer into filling in the holes with details that they want to see. And perhaps even more than that, it tempts us to use details that relate to our own life which can give the impression that this movie was made with you in mind - because you're using your imagination to fill in the gaps between the plot points and because they're left up to you, you fill them in with details that are meaningful to you. Thus, you're left with the feeling that you have to see this movie because you relate to it so well (even though you only relate to it because you filled in the gaps that way).
When you look at it this way, it's pretty subversive stuff - I mean seen this way, trailers really get inside your head and use your own expectations to sell the movie to you.
But I still love trailers. They fascinate me and more often than not (unfortunately), the trailer turns out to be better than the movie it's advertising.
Friday, October 07, 2005
95. Touch
She's out of words and he's out of questions. This won't get resolved tonight.
He saw it first in her shoulders as she was walking to his car. Then he saw it in her stride. Finally, she was in the car and he could see it course from the top of her forehead to the tip of her chin - centered around eyes that had forgotten how to see.
Through most of the ride to the coffee shop, she didn't say anything and he wasn't sure yet how to begin. He was there for her even in this silence and she knew that. And so he waited and gave her time and space.
And then a crack, a chink, a whispered expletive.
The service industry is just a minimum wage away from slavery. People pay for their meals then think they have the right to shit on your shoes, spit in your face, and poke at your self-esteem. And she has to swallow it all with a smile.
They never make it to the coffee shop. Instead, they find a park parking lot and they sit on the curb.
And he lets her go. On and on about the injustice and incompetence of the customers, and about managers who have all the empathy of a dead battery. As she talks he can see the life welling up within her again as if each word takes a bit of tension with it as it's spoken - out into the dimming twilight air.
And then a corner is turned. She's out of words and he's out of questions. This won't get resolved tonight.
So he takes her hand, weaves his fingers between hers. With a firm, confident squeeze he lifts and they stand. He brushes away a stray bang from her forehead and tucks the strand behind the curve of her ear. He draws her to him, gently at first and then with purpose.
She lets go of his hand. She wraps one arm around the small of his back and the other she uses to press his shoulder into her cheek. And he reciprocates, holding her closer as well. And she feels the last of her tension draining away as if squeezed out by the pressure of this embrace. All this sensory information floods the synapses and somewhere deep within the old, primitive part of the brain, something bursts and all her defenses are gone. She cries like a racehorse down the final stretch - she pounds her fists into his back.
And then it's over.
She slackens and instead of holding her close, he's holding her up.
And weightless, in these arms, she wonders how she ever got on without him. And he wonders what use he ever was to anyone before she needed him.
He saw it first in her shoulders as she was walking to his car. Then he saw it in her stride. Finally, she was in the car and he could see it course from the top of her forehead to the tip of her chin - centered around eyes that had forgotten how to see.
Through most of the ride to the coffee shop, she didn't say anything and he wasn't sure yet how to begin. He was there for her even in this silence and she knew that. And so he waited and gave her time and space.
And then a crack, a chink, a whispered expletive.
The service industry is just a minimum wage away from slavery. People pay for their meals then think they have the right to shit on your shoes, spit in your face, and poke at your self-esteem. And she has to swallow it all with a smile.
They never make it to the coffee shop. Instead, they find a park parking lot and they sit on the curb.
And he lets her go. On and on about the injustice and incompetence of the customers, and about managers who have all the empathy of a dead battery. As she talks he can see the life welling up within her again as if each word takes a bit of tension with it as it's spoken - out into the dimming twilight air.
And then a corner is turned. She's out of words and he's out of questions. This won't get resolved tonight.
So he takes her hand, weaves his fingers between hers. With a firm, confident squeeze he lifts and they stand. He brushes away a stray bang from her forehead and tucks the strand behind the curve of her ear. He draws her to him, gently at first and then with purpose.
She lets go of his hand. She wraps one arm around the small of his back and the other she uses to press his shoulder into her cheek. And he reciprocates, holding her closer as well. And she feels the last of her tension draining away as if squeezed out by the pressure of this embrace. All this sensory information floods the synapses and somewhere deep within the old, primitive part of the brain, something bursts and all her defenses are gone. She cries like a racehorse down the final stretch - she pounds her fists into his back.
And then it's over.
She slackens and instead of holding her close, he's holding her up.
And weightless, in these arms, she wonders how she ever got on without him. And he wonders what use he ever was to anyone before she needed him.
94. grab a Snickers bar, this is a long one
A few days ago I was talking about this amazing CD that Blake (Clone A) had let me borrow (which I've since imported into iTunes and am in the process of burning copies for select friends). It's a message titled, "Decision Making and the Will of God" and it's given by Greg Kokul.
The talk begins with Koukl dismantling the idea that "there is the presumption that God has an individual blueprint for our life . . . that blueprint includes the major decisions of our life - who we're going to marry, what profession we'll have, how many children we might have, how we'll raise our children . . ." He goes on to say that "the paradigm here is not just one where we presume that God has this blueprint plan, but we have to take a step further. We have to find out what that plan is. We have to figure out God's decisions for us on any given situation before we can make our decisions." He says that this way of thinking about the will of God is based in this assumption: ". . . that there is this blueprint, this roadmap (so to speak). That God has made the decisions that we must discover before we can make our decision."
When understood this way, discerning God's will takes the form of "being led by the Spirit," or "listening for the voice of God," or "watching for open/closed doors," or "seeking inner peace about a decision," or "putting out a fleece," or "seeking confirmations." And there are some other things, but I think you get the idea.
I'm jumping around the first half of his talk, and I might unintentionally be taking things out of context. I don't want to misrepresent what he's saying so if you want, you can see some of this in his own words on his website here.
So the first half is all about dismantling the idea that an individualized revelation of God's will is something to look out for or to expect. He ends this section with this bombshell conclusion: "Does the Bible teach there's a specific will for our lives that we must discover before we can make decisions? No. . . . There are no signs I have to read, there is no voice from God I must hear in order to make sound, Biblical, Godly decisions."
Well, God does have a plan (a will) doesn't he? Yes he does and after going through the idea verse by verse, Koukl finds that God's will falls into two categories - his sovereign will and his moral will. "Paul says in Romans 9:19, 'who resists His will?' Well, I did something bad yesterday, that was against His will, I resisted. And we realize that Paul is talking about the will of God in a different way, isn't he? He's talking about a will that can't be resisted. When God says it, that's it. He does it. He has a plan for the ages . . . and to some degree he's revealed his sovereign will - we know how the story ends." But for the most part, this sovereign will is hidden from us. When we look back on our lives, we can see how God cares for us and how He has been guiding us but at the time, events seemed random - God was up to something but we didn't have access to it at the time.
The other aspect of God's will is his moral will. "'For the Lord is not willing that any should perish but all should come to repentance.' (2 Peter 3:9) Now I know that some people do perish, so this isn't God's sovereign will, it's a different kind of will. . . . call it God's moral will. These are the things that God wants all people to obey though they might disobey. God's moral will is completely revealed in the Bible. God wants us to do something, he tells us what it is. Why? So we can obey it. [God's moral will] is broad, it applies to every single Christian equally and because of that it does not connote individualized guidance."
So if God's sovereign will is mostly inaccessible and God's moral will is broad and not individualized, then how does one go about making decisions? And here is another bombshell that Koukl dropped. "Using the guidelines of God's word and wisdom, you have the freedom to do anything you want with God's blessing." With this in mind, making decisions becomes a relatively simple three step process:
1. What do you want to do?
2. Is it moral?
3. Is it wise?
If a decision you want to make passes these "tests," the go to it.
Okay, enough with the summary already.
All of these things that Koukl shared are things that I've kind of been thinking in the back of my mind, but because they seemed to be so contrary to the way people in the church presented the will of God, I resisted. I kept trying to do it their way - listening for God's guidance, letting go of the steering wheel and letting God drive, waiting for God's direction - and that led to frustration and confusion and it battered my spiritual self-esteem (I kept thinking that I wasn't good enough for God to speak to me or maybe I wasn't doing it right or maybe I wasn't disciplined enough).
Even worse, I held off on making decisions out of fear of making the wrong decision. This played itself out in the area of relationships in particular. I'd see someone I found attractive or interesting and I'd seek after the will of God and when I didn't hear confirmation from God that it was okay to pursue this relationship, I'd refrain and not make a move.
And now, now I'm fucking pissed because I wonder how much of my life I've missed out on because of unbiblical teaching regarding making decisions. I've missed out on so much. I've lived as a Christian for almost twenty years and all that time I waited to hear from God and when I didn't, I'd refrain from taking risks. And I wondered why God was silent in areas of my life where I sought him most.
And now it turns out that I could have just made up my own damn mind and gone with my gut instead of not doing anything for fear of making a wrong decision. I feel like all those years are gone - some of the best years of my life wasted on listening for something that wasn't there to be heard. All those opportunities I let pass me by for lack of guidance that was never there in the first place. All the experiences I could have had. All the life I could have lived. All that wasted time.
I can't begin to express how pissed I am about all that I've missed out on. But there's a silver lining to this cloud and this silver is five-nines (five-nines is a silver that is 99.999 percent pure...see the five nines?). The upside to this is that now I'm free. I don't have that awful weight on my back anymore. Apart from anything that might be sin or otherwise unwise, I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. I feel like a whole new world has opened up for me.
And here's the really ironic thing. Now that I've stopped listening for the voice of God, I "hear" it everywhere. Whereas before I was waiting to hear what I should do, now that I know that I can do whatever I want (within the framework of those three things listed above), I get the sense that God wants me to explore all the grandeur of his creation. Instead of waiting to hear what I should do, I hear God encouraging me to do it all!
But I'm still pissed because this is the way things were meant to be. This is the freedom that God's always wanted for me. This is the freedom that church culture stole from me and I know I need to forgive and move on, but the thing that makes that hard is the fact that there are still so many people out there who are still burdened by this unbiblical standard for decision making - people who are heartbroken by what they perceive as silence. But the church just keeps beating the relationship drum over and over again.
Okay, I've been at this for almost three hours now.
There's more I want to say but I work the early shift at work tomorrow and I need to get some sleep. If you've made it this far, two kudos for you. Thanks for reading. If you didn't make it this far...then you're not reading this bit are you?
Okay, until next time...
The talk begins with Koukl dismantling the idea that "there is the presumption that God has an individual blueprint for our life . . . that blueprint includes the major decisions of our life - who we're going to marry, what profession we'll have, how many children we might have, how we'll raise our children . . ." He goes on to say that "the paradigm here is not just one where we presume that God has this blueprint plan, but we have to take a step further. We have to find out what that plan is. We have to figure out God's decisions for us on any given situation before we can make our decisions." He says that this way of thinking about the will of God is based in this assumption: ". . . that there is this blueprint, this roadmap (so to speak). That God has made the decisions that we must discover before we can make our decision."
When understood this way, discerning God's will takes the form of "being led by the Spirit," or "listening for the voice of God," or "watching for open/closed doors," or "seeking inner peace about a decision," or "putting out a fleece," or "seeking confirmations." And there are some other things, but I think you get the idea.
I'm jumping around the first half of his talk, and I might unintentionally be taking things out of context. I don't want to misrepresent what he's saying so if you want, you can see some of this in his own words on his website here.
So the first half is all about dismantling the idea that an individualized revelation of God's will is something to look out for or to expect. He ends this section with this bombshell conclusion: "Does the Bible teach there's a specific will for our lives that we must discover before we can make decisions? No. . . . There are no signs I have to read, there is no voice from God I must hear in order to make sound, Biblical, Godly decisions."
Well, God does have a plan (a will) doesn't he? Yes he does and after going through the idea verse by verse, Koukl finds that God's will falls into two categories - his sovereign will and his moral will. "Paul says in Romans 9:19, 'who resists His will?' Well, I did something bad yesterday, that was against His will, I resisted. And we realize that Paul is talking about the will of God in a different way, isn't he? He's talking about a will that can't be resisted. When God says it, that's it. He does it. He has a plan for the ages . . . and to some degree he's revealed his sovereign will - we know how the story ends." But for the most part, this sovereign will is hidden from us. When we look back on our lives, we can see how God cares for us and how He has been guiding us but at the time, events seemed random - God was up to something but we didn't have access to it at the time.
The other aspect of God's will is his moral will. "'For the Lord is not willing that any should perish but all should come to repentance.' (2 Peter 3:9) Now I know that some people do perish, so this isn't God's sovereign will, it's a different kind of will. . . . call it God's moral will. These are the things that God wants all people to obey though they might disobey. God's moral will is completely revealed in the Bible. God wants us to do something, he tells us what it is. Why? So we can obey it. [God's moral will] is broad, it applies to every single Christian equally and because of that it does not connote individualized guidance."
So if God's sovereign will is mostly inaccessible and God's moral will is broad and not individualized, then how does one go about making decisions? And here is another bombshell that Koukl dropped. "Using the guidelines of God's word and wisdom, you have the freedom to do anything you want with God's blessing." With this in mind, making decisions becomes a relatively simple three step process:
1. What do you want to do?
2. Is it moral?
3. Is it wise?
If a decision you want to make passes these "tests," the go to it.
Okay, enough with the summary already.
All of these things that Koukl shared are things that I've kind of been thinking in the back of my mind, but because they seemed to be so contrary to the way people in the church presented the will of God, I resisted. I kept trying to do it their way - listening for God's guidance, letting go of the steering wheel and letting God drive, waiting for God's direction - and that led to frustration and confusion and it battered my spiritual self-esteem (I kept thinking that I wasn't good enough for God to speak to me or maybe I wasn't doing it right or maybe I wasn't disciplined enough).
Even worse, I held off on making decisions out of fear of making the wrong decision. This played itself out in the area of relationships in particular. I'd see someone I found attractive or interesting and I'd seek after the will of God and when I didn't hear confirmation from God that it was okay to pursue this relationship, I'd refrain and not make a move.
And now, now I'm fucking pissed because I wonder how much of my life I've missed out on because of unbiblical teaching regarding making decisions. I've missed out on so much. I've lived as a Christian for almost twenty years and all that time I waited to hear from God and when I didn't, I'd refrain from taking risks. And I wondered why God was silent in areas of my life where I sought him most.
And now it turns out that I could have just made up my own damn mind and gone with my gut instead of not doing anything for fear of making a wrong decision. I feel like all those years are gone - some of the best years of my life wasted on listening for something that wasn't there to be heard. All those opportunities I let pass me by for lack of guidance that was never there in the first place. All the experiences I could have had. All the life I could have lived. All that wasted time.
I can't begin to express how pissed I am about all that I've missed out on. But there's a silver lining to this cloud and this silver is five-nines (five-nines is a silver that is 99.999 percent pure...see the five nines?). The upside to this is that now I'm free. I don't have that awful weight on my back anymore. Apart from anything that might be sin or otherwise unwise, I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. I feel like a whole new world has opened up for me.
And here's the really ironic thing. Now that I've stopped listening for the voice of God, I "hear" it everywhere. Whereas before I was waiting to hear what I should do, now that I know that I can do whatever I want (within the framework of those three things listed above), I get the sense that God wants me to explore all the grandeur of his creation. Instead of waiting to hear what I should do, I hear God encouraging me to do it all!
But I'm still pissed because this is the way things were meant to be. This is the freedom that God's always wanted for me. This is the freedom that church culture stole from me and I know I need to forgive and move on, but the thing that makes that hard is the fact that there are still so many people out there who are still burdened by this unbiblical standard for decision making - people who are heartbroken by what they perceive as silence. But the church just keeps beating the relationship drum over and over again.
Okay, I've been at this for almost three hours now.
There's more I want to say but I work the early shift at work tomorrow and I need to get some sleep. If you've made it this far, two kudos for you. Thanks for reading. If you didn't make it this far...then you're not reading this bit are you?
Okay, until next time...
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
93. pissed and happy (caution, potty mouth)
(FYI, this has nothing to do with the Apples/Oranges thing...orange you glad about that?)
I am really fucking pissed, but I'm really crazy-happy at the same time, and it's all over the same thing. Blake (aka Clone A) let me borrow two CDs of this guy, Greg Koukl. The CDs are from a talk he gave called, "Decision Making and the Will of God."
I'm happy because FINALLY after years of frustration and confusion and heartache and guilt (and I could go on), a fellow Christian has confirmed something that I've been sensing and thinking for a long time, but have generally been too afraid to mention (although I have written about it here - see blog 87 and blog 60) - that this "hearing from God" business is not something to be found in the Bible, at least not in the way that it's spoken about in most churches.
I'm happy about that because I never felt comfortable, I never understood, I could never relate to all the talk of "hearing from God" - God told me, I was led by the Spirit to..., I prayed and God gave me confirmation, God opened/closed a door. I'd hear all of these phrases tossed about like candy at a parade, but it never made sense to me. And finally in the last few years, I began to suspect that something was amiss - that the problem wasn't my lack of faith or discipline, it was a problem of church culture.
But I felt alone in this thinking...until I got to listen to this CD. Koukl opens his talk with some of the very frustrations I mentioned in my blogs - and I was so relieved, so glad, so comforted by that. And it's not just that Koukl blasts these ideas about hearing from God, he backs up his ideas with scripture - something that the people who advocate hearing from God often fail to do.
And now I feel like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I'm finally able to breathe free and I'm able to stretch my arms and my legs.
But I'm also pissed because the weight that's finally been cast off was put there by shitty, sloppy theology. I've wasted so much of my life waiting to hear from God. A lot of the frustrations I felt in the last few blogs (about Apples and Oranges) came out of mistaken ideas about knowing God's will for my life. A lot of the frustrations I've felt about a lot of things in my life have come out of this same misconception. And that pisses me off because it was fed to me by the very people whom God has trusted with my well being - his church leaders.
And it pisses me off that there are far more Christians still out there living with the same confusion and frustration that I used to feel. And it pisses me off that they don't get to have a say in church because this "hearing from God" business is as ubiquitous as it is untrue.
But I'm only half-way through the message series, and it's past 1AM and I'm dozing off between paragraphs.
I'll write more soon as these new ideas sink in.
Stay tuned, because boy do I have a bone to pick with contemporary church culture....
I am really fucking pissed, but I'm really crazy-happy at the same time, and it's all over the same thing. Blake (aka Clone A) let me borrow two CDs of this guy, Greg Koukl. The CDs are from a talk he gave called, "Decision Making and the Will of God."
I'm happy because FINALLY after years of frustration and confusion and heartache and guilt (and I could go on), a fellow Christian has confirmed something that I've been sensing and thinking for a long time, but have generally been too afraid to mention (although I have written about it here - see blog 87 and blog 60) - that this "hearing from God" business is not something to be found in the Bible, at least not in the way that it's spoken about in most churches.
I'm happy about that because I never felt comfortable, I never understood, I could never relate to all the talk of "hearing from God" - God told me, I was led by the Spirit to..., I prayed and God gave me confirmation, God opened/closed a door. I'd hear all of these phrases tossed about like candy at a parade, but it never made sense to me. And finally in the last few years, I began to suspect that something was amiss - that the problem wasn't my lack of faith or discipline, it was a problem of church culture.
But I felt alone in this thinking...until I got to listen to this CD. Koukl opens his talk with some of the very frustrations I mentioned in my blogs - and I was so relieved, so glad, so comforted by that. And it's not just that Koukl blasts these ideas about hearing from God, he backs up his ideas with scripture - something that the people who advocate hearing from God often fail to do.
And now I feel like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I'm finally able to breathe free and I'm able to stretch my arms and my legs.
But I'm also pissed because the weight that's finally been cast off was put there by shitty, sloppy theology. I've wasted so much of my life waiting to hear from God. A lot of the frustrations I felt in the last few blogs (about Apples and Oranges) came out of mistaken ideas about knowing God's will for my life. A lot of the frustrations I've felt about a lot of things in my life have come out of this same misconception. And that pisses me off because it was fed to me by the very people whom God has trusted with my well being - his church leaders.
And it pisses me off that there are far more Christians still out there living with the same confusion and frustration that I used to feel. And it pisses me off that they don't get to have a say in church because this "hearing from God" business is as ubiquitous as it is untrue.
But I'm only half-way through the message series, and it's past 1AM and I'm dozing off between paragraphs.
I'll write more soon as these new ideas sink in.
Stay tuned, because boy do I have a bone to pick with contemporary church culture....
Saturday, October 01, 2005
92. conflict of interests
Okay, here's the deal.
So the other night I went out with this girl (let's call her Apples) and I had a nice time.
But...
But I'm actually attracted to/infatuated with this other girl (let's call her Oranges).
But...
But even though I have deep, amazing, inspiring conversations with Oranges, we're so different in so many different ways that I doubt we'd have a chance together (or a more bluntly, I don't think she'd be interested in me at all).
So...
So I'm wondering if there was a part of me that burdened Apples with the expectation of the kind of conversations I have with Oranges.
See...
See (and yes, this is me thinking too much again but...but I'll get to that in a second) I think I'm more compatible with Apples in more areas, but the conversations are SO good with Oranges that I wonder if that would make up for all the other areas of incompatibility (factor in the fact that the conversation aspect is the one most important to me).
Back to the but (tee hee)...
I wish I could just be more carefree about the whole thing BUT it's not just my feelings on the line here. My motto in life has always been, "do no harm." I mean, there are exceptions to that but in general, it's something that gets me by in life. And so that's why I get so twisted up in knots over all this relationship stuff - I don't want to risk hurting anyone. If this were something that only affected me, I wouldn't think so much because I can deal with self-inflicted injuries but when someone else's emotions are involved...
And you know what? I'll bet there are people reading this blog and they're about ready to tear their hair out in large, bloody clumps because I'm being so retarded about this. Hell, I'm writing this shit and I almost want to tear my own hair out (but I won't because it's at that perfect two-weeks-after-the-last-cut length and it looks BANGIN'!)
Yes, I'm being an idiot. But I blame that on bad training as a teenager. All this great advice about confidence is welcome and needed (and it goes back to blog 45...see comments from my friend Martin writing as "Harrison"). But I become a blabbering idiot when interest and attraction take hold. I have a reasonably (as in not over-exaggerated) good self-image and normally I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin. I mean I wouldn't be able to be as open and honest in these blogs if that wasn't the case. But I have no game and all that groovy self-confidence evaporates when attraction becomes part of the mix.
Okay, I'm starting to get mad at myself now, because I'm finally beginning to see what a wus I can be. Frankly, it's embarrassing. But I literally have no experience with this sort of thing and my record with women is oh-for-everyone-I've-ever-been-interested-in (zero wins, all losses). And that's something that weighs heavily on me. Goes to show you don't need history to acquire baggage.
Springsteen lyrics come to mind here "end up like a dog that's been beat too much / 'til you spend half your life just covering up..." And Aimee Mann "but can you save me / from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone"
I'm even more confused now than when I started. I can't even remember what I wanted to say with this blog.
Maybe someone should submit my story to Dr. Phil (he doesn't have any hair to tear out).
Okay, it's 3AM and I've been up for almost eleven hours straight. I'm going to blame my frustration and confusion on lack of sleep.
But before I go, one final rant. As a teenager, the church knew how to beat the abstinence drum, but they sure didn't teach shit about other aspects of relationships. But maybe it's unfair to blame the church because schools aren't doing it either. But where is one supposed to go to learn all this stuff? Televison? Movies? The radio? Maybe it's supposed to be instinctual, like baby turtles knowing which way the ocean is seconds after being hatched.
Okay, that's all. I'm going to sleep now before I start really beating myself up for not taking more risks, for not making more mistakes when I was younger, for...
Okay, that's all. Goodnight and good-morning.
So the other night I went out with this girl (let's call her Apples) and I had a nice time.
But...
But I'm actually attracted to/infatuated with this other girl (let's call her Oranges).
But...
But even though I have deep, amazing, inspiring conversations with Oranges, we're so different in so many different ways that I doubt we'd have a chance together (or a more bluntly, I don't think she'd be interested in me at all).
So...
So I'm wondering if there was a part of me that burdened Apples with the expectation of the kind of conversations I have with Oranges.
See...
See (and yes, this is me thinking too much again but...but I'll get to that in a second) I think I'm more compatible with Apples in more areas, but the conversations are SO good with Oranges that I wonder if that would make up for all the other areas of incompatibility (factor in the fact that the conversation aspect is the one most important to me).
Back to the but (tee hee)...
I wish I could just be more carefree about the whole thing BUT it's not just my feelings on the line here. My motto in life has always been, "do no harm." I mean, there are exceptions to that but in general, it's something that gets me by in life. And so that's why I get so twisted up in knots over all this relationship stuff - I don't want to risk hurting anyone. If this were something that only affected me, I wouldn't think so much because I can deal with self-inflicted injuries but when someone else's emotions are involved...
And you know what? I'll bet there are people reading this blog and they're about ready to tear their hair out in large, bloody clumps because I'm being so retarded about this. Hell, I'm writing this shit and I almost want to tear my own hair out (but I won't because it's at that perfect two-weeks-after-the-last-cut length and it looks BANGIN'!)
Yes, I'm being an idiot. But I blame that on bad training as a teenager. All this great advice about confidence is welcome and needed (and it goes back to blog 45...see comments from my friend Martin writing as "Harrison"). But I become a blabbering idiot when interest and attraction take hold. I have a reasonably (as in not over-exaggerated) good self-image and normally I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin. I mean I wouldn't be able to be as open and honest in these blogs if that wasn't the case. But I have no game and all that groovy self-confidence evaporates when attraction becomes part of the mix.
Okay, I'm starting to get mad at myself now, because I'm finally beginning to see what a wus I can be. Frankly, it's embarrassing. But I literally have no experience with this sort of thing and my record with women is oh-for-everyone-I've-ever-been-interested-in (zero wins, all losses). And that's something that weighs heavily on me. Goes to show you don't need history to acquire baggage.
Springsteen lyrics come to mind here "end up like a dog that's been beat too much / 'til you spend half your life just covering up..." And Aimee Mann "but can you save me / from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone"
I'm even more confused now than when I started. I can't even remember what I wanted to say with this blog.
Maybe someone should submit my story to Dr. Phil (he doesn't have any hair to tear out).
Okay, it's 3AM and I've been up for almost eleven hours straight. I'm going to blame my frustration and confusion on lack of sleep.
But before I go, one final rant. As a teenager, the church knew how to beat the abstinence drum, but they sure didn't teach shit about other aspects of relationships. But maybe it's unfair to blame the church because schools aren't doing it either. But where is one supposed to go to learn all this stuff? Televison? Movies? The radio? Maybe it's supposed to be instinctual, like baby turtles knowing which way the ocean is seconds after being hatched.
Okay, that's all. I'm going to sleep now before I start really beating myself up for not taking more risks, for not making more mistakes when I was younger, for...
Okay, that's all. Goodnight and good-morning.
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