So inside still wants out but instead of waiting for the shell to burst it's going to have to wait for the pieces to chip and break away. Bit by bit and piece by piece, brick by brick, chips and fragments. I'd rather the whole be blown apart but I think of an egg. I can't remember why but I remember reading somewhere that you can't help a chick out of its shell - it needs to struggle and make it's own way out. In the same way, a butterfly cannot be helped out of its cocoon. There's some kind of coating that gets deposited on it's wings in the struggle to get out and if some outside force (like some well-meaning third grader) tries to help the butterfly by breaking the cocoon, it won't be able to fly.
Inside wants out but there's something to be learned in the struggle to emerge. God could intervene but he wants me to fly and so he waits and watches me struggle.
Bit by bit, crack by crack...and one day...
I'll take to the air and never look back.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Saturday, December 18, 2004
22. Inside Wants Out
Inside wants out but it doesn't know how
inside wants out but it can not find a way
inside wants out to turn the world around
inside wants out so bad it can not breathe
inside wants out but it can not find a way
inside wants out to turn the world around
inside wants out so bad it can not breathe
Sunday, December 05, 2004
21. hallelujah...
Well it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
- Leonard Cohen via Jeff Buckley
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
- Leonard Cohen via Jeff Buckley
Thursday, November 25, 2004
20. geode...actually nodule
What the hell are you talking about, Randall?
Well a geode is a rock that looks like a rock but when you break it open there are crystals lining the interior. A nodule is somewhat like a geode but whereas a geode is hollow on the inside, a nodule is solid crystal (or crystaline material) inside. Impressed? Don't be, I just stole that info from some website.
So...um...what the hell are you talking about, Randall?
Well for the past few weeks (months, years) I've been writing the kind of drab, pity-party crap that fills my blog thing here. I had always thought that I had lost the ability to hope, to dream, to love. But after an interesting conversation with the talented Rocky Green, I realized that I didn't lose those things, they're still with me - it's just that all that good stuff has been hidden, trapped beneath this hard shell. It's like I'm one of those nodules, just waiting to be split open. There's all this beauty and goodness that wants to get out but the crust is thick and gross.
To me, that's a comforting thought. I used to think that I had lost my ability to be vulnerable, open, hopefull even. But it's not lost, it's just trapped in this shell. The good news is fissures are beginning to open up and every once in a while I catch glimpses of the old me. It wants to get out but fact is, I can't make it happen (well, maybe I could but I can't afford the therapy). This requires an act of God but it's begun. I get weepy at freaking Fannie May commercials - that's how bad the inside wants out. It's beginning but I'm not going to force it. One of these days, God's going to break me wide open and it's going to hurt like a mutha-fucker but it will also heal and renew.
Wait and seek.
Well a geode is a rock that looks like a rock but when you break it open there are crystals lining the interior. A nodule is somewhat like a geode but whereas a geode is hollow on the inside, a nodule is solid crystal (or crystaline material) inside. Impressed? Don't be, I just stole that info from some website.
So...um...what the hell are you talking about, Randall?
Well for the past few weeks (months, years) I've been writing the kind of drab, pity-party crap that fills my blog thing here. I had always thought that I had lost the ability to hope, to dream, to love. But after an interesting conversation with the talented Rocky Green, I realized that I didn't lose those things, they're still with me - it's just that all that good stuff has been hidden, trapped beneath this hard shell. It's like I'm one of those nodules, just waiting to be split open. There's all this beauty and goodness that wants to get out but the crust is thick and gross.
To me, that's a comforting thought. I used to think that I had lost my ability to be vulnerable, open, hopefull even. But it's not lost, it's just trapped in this shell. The good news is fissures are beginning to open up and every once in a while I catch glimpses of the old me. It wants to get out but fact is, I can't make it happen (well, maybe I could but I can't afford the therapy). This requires an act of God but it's begun. I get weepy at freaking Fannie May commercials - that's how bad the inside wants out. It's beginning but I'm not going to force it. One of these days, God's going to break me wide open and it's going to hurt like a mutha-fucker but it will also heal and renew.
Wait and seek.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
19. love=science fiction
The thought that person A could so give him/herself to person B in an unselfish way for no other reason than to make person B happy is understandable. That's the story of my (love) life. The thought that person A could give him/herself to person B, who simultaneously gives of him/herself back to person A seems like so much science fiction to me - plausable perhaps but not anywhere in the near future.
Friday, November 12, 2004
18. ready or not
I remember when I graduated from high school. I thought I was all ready to find the girl of my dreams and we'd date and everything would be amazing. I would sweep her off her feet and she'd be so impressed with my sweetness and my intelligence and my originality and her belief in me would strengthen and inspire me to greatness and we would be unstopable. I thought I was so ready for that relationship. But then something changed, probably somewhere around the mid to late 20s. The older I got and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was no where near ready for a relationship.
Why not? Well there are the physical and fiscal things - I still live at home, I have a steady job but it doesn't pay well (although if I wanted to and if I knew I was staying in Hawaii I could probably get promoted), I don't have a savings account and my checking account balance is laughable. But the more important reasons why I'm not ready are emotional/spiritual. In those areas I don't have issues, I have a subscription (yuk, yuk, yuk).
See but it's kind of a catch 22 thing - I've become this wreck because I got tired of waiting and looking and waiting and looking. I used to be a full blown, nut case romantic. Here's a sample of some of the crazy shit I used to write in my journal:
"8/19/97
She turns her head away and smiles. The smile breaks out into laughter that escalates to the point where the laugh is actually laughing her. She pauses for a second, opens her eyes, looks at me and begins laughing again - this time with her hand trying to cover her mouth. The laughter goes into overdrive and her shoulders start to convulse up and down. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen - not the laughter but her, laughing."
"9/5/97
Strikingly beautiful, that's the way to describe it - her presence. Not a beauty that wafts at you from across the room like a deep blue perfume, but one that slaps you in the face reminding you that you're alive and in dire need of some aesthetic in your crude singular life.
Fate and luck and a foolhardy courage later, you are together. Both unbelieving, both grateful for this little shelter from the world; a little island of understanding and trust. She is steady and you are shelter. She is warmth and you are cool."
"12/30/97
She's close. She's so close I can almost reach out in front of me and run my fingers through her lovely short hair. I can almost feel the way she tilts her head, pressing into my palm. My small finger bends itself around the curve of her ear and I trace the line of her chin and she...
And she's so close."
And I while looking through my old journals I ran across this one. I don't remember writing it but the specificity scares me:
"6/11/96
Where do you end and where do I begin? What spaces are ours and which are our own? Drawers and shelves are sectioned off but what of our inner places? Like the decision to buy the Subaru and the choice of chicken over stew."
Motivational speakers talk about the need to visualize the things you want. There was a time when I had no problem doing that. It took a while for me to find those entries because I didn't think they were that old. Those were written over five years ago. It's been longer than I thought since I stopped writing like that. If I let myself, could I do so again? I don't know but I dobut it.
There was a time when I thought she was just around the corner. I haven't felt that sense of anticipation in a long, long time. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life," (Proverbs 13:12). Word up, I hear that. I think about that conversation between Red and Andy in the movie Shawshank Redemption where they're talking about hope. Andy (Tim Robbins) sees hope as the thing that keeps him going - Red (Morgan Freeman) calls hope "a dangerous thing." When I wrote those journal entries I was with Andy but now I'm with Red. Hope deferred has made my heart sick.
God is immaterial, other, spirit. He is here now as I type but at the same time I have no physical acces to him. I have a theory (and if I spent the time, I'm pretty sure I could find the scripture to back this up) and it goes like this. When Jesus talks about the church being the Body of Christ, what he means is that other Christians make up the part of Christ that is accessible to us. Because what is the church? It's not the building, it's the people inside. That's the church and if those people make up the Body of Christ, then I can communicate with God by talking to them (not perfectly, because we are all fallen representations). By extension, I learn about love through being loved by them.
If this theory holds up, then perhaps the reason I don't know how to love God (or how to experience God's love) because the only love I know is a kind of polite, surface, social love. I mean I have some amazing friends but even with them, the love between us is of a social, brotherly sort not the two-become-one, eros kind of love. And so that's the only kind of love I understand from God.
I don't know. I didn't get much sleep last night and my allergies have been acting up and the Allegra I took this morning is still giving me a bit of a buzz. Maybe thats why I can write this much. Maybe I'll look at this tomorrow and it will read like an alien abduction. I don't know. See how hard it is for me to write about love these days?
Am I ready? Is anyone ever ready?
I don't know.
Why not? Well there are the physical and fiscal things - I still live at home, I have a steady job but it doesn't pay well (although if I wanted to and if I knew I was staying in Hawaii I could probably get promoted), I don't have a savings account and my checking account balance is laughable. But the more important reasons why I'm not ready are emotional/spiritual. In those areas I don't have issues, I have a subscription (yuk, yuk, yuk).
See but it's kind of a catch 22 thing - I've become this wreck because I got tired of waiting and looking and waiting and looking. I used to be a full blown, nut case romantic. Here's a sample of some of the crazy shit I used to write in my journal:
"8/19/97
She turns her head away and smiles. The smile breaks out into laughter that escalates to the point where the laugh is actually laughing her. She pauses for a second, opens her eyes, looks at me and begins laughing again - this time with her hand trying to cover her mouth. The laughter goes into overdrive and her shoulders start to convulse up and down. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen - not the laughter but her, laughing."
"9/5/97
Strikingly beautiful, that's the way to describe it - her presence. Not a beauty that wafts at you from across the room like a deep blue perfume, but one that slaps you in the face reminding you that you're alive and in dire need of some aesthetic in your crude singular life.
Fate and luck and a foolhardy courage later, you are together. Both unbelieving, both grateful for this little shelter from the world; a little island of understanding and trust. She is steady and you are shelter. She is warmth and you are cool."
"12/30/97
She's close. She's so close I can almost reach out in front of me and run my fingers through her lovely short hair. I can almost feel the way she tilts her head, pressing into my palm. My small finger bends itself around the curve of her ear and I trace the line of her chin and she...
And she's so close."
And I while looking through my old journals I ran across this one. I don't remember writing it but the specificity scares me:
"6/11/96
Where do you end and where do I begin? What spaces are ours and which are our own? Drawers and shelves are sectioned off but what of our inner places? Like the decision to buy the Subaru and the choice of chicken over stew."
Motivational speakers talk about the need to visualize the things you want. There was a time when I had no problem doing that. It took a while for me to find those entries because I didn't think they were that old. Those were written over five years ago. It's been longer than I thought since I stopped writing like that. If I let myself, could I do so again? I don't know but I dobut it.
There was a time when I thought she was just around the corner. I haven't felt that sense of anticipation in a long, long time. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life," (Proverbs 13:12). Word up, I hear that. I think about that conversation between Red and Andy in the movie Shawshank Redemption where they're talking about hope. Andy (Tim Robbins) sees hope as the thing that keeps him going - Red (Morgan Freeman) calls hope "a dangerous thing." When I wrote those journal entries I was with Andy but now I'm with Red. Hope deferred has made my heart sick.
God is immaterial, other, spirit. He is here now as I type but at the same time I have no physical acces to him. I have a theory (and if I spent the time, I'm pretty sure I could find the scripture to back this up) and it goes like this. When Jesus talks about the church being the Body of Christ, what he means is that other Christians make up the part of Christ that is accessible to us. Because what is the church? It's not the building, it's the people inside. That's the church and if those people make up the Body of Christ, then I can communicate with God by talking to them (not perfectly, because we are all fallen representations). By extension, I learn about love through being loved by them.
If this theory holds up, then perhaps the reason I don't know how to love God (or how to experience God's love) because the only love I know is a kind of polite, surface, social love. I mean I have some amazing friends but even with them, the love between us is of a social, brotherly sort not the two-become-one, eros kind of love. And so that's the only kind of love I understand from God.
I don't know. I didn't get much sleep last night and my allergies have been acting up and the Allegra I took this morning is still giving me a bit of a buzz. Maybe thats why I can write this much. Maybe I'll look at this tomorrow and it will read like an alien abduction. I don't know. See how hard it is for me to write about love these days?
Am I ready? Is anyone ever ready?
I don't know.
Monday, November 08, 2004
17. unloved
A good friend of mine asked me recently if I had ever felt loved. I have to admit the question stopped me cold and has been haunting me this whole week. It's hard to understand and I can't explain but it seems such an arrogant thing to say that I have not. Even now as I write the words it seems a sorry thing to say because I don't want pity or consolation or even undue attention because of it. But it's more than that - I have a good life: I live at home and my parents leave me alone, they've given me a lot of what I've ever asked for and I don't mind admitting that they've spoiled me, I have a car, I play in a cool band, I have a college degree that my parents paid for...in short, I've got all the stuff I need. How can I say that I've never felt loved?
But love isn't about stuff. I guess giving me things is how my parents express their love for me - I know they've tried to give me all the opportunities that they never had - but (and I'm sorry to say this) it never felt like love to me. Saying that makes me feel like a greedy, ungrateful bastard, and I suppose that's true. And I suppose that's also why it's so hard to admit.
What about God? Now that I think about it, the way I've tried to love God was to try and give him stuff. By extension, the love I expected from God was to get stuff. But that's not how love works, it's not what love is. As I understand it, love is a kind of unselfish generosity that seeks out the best for the one loved - a generosity that is not a transaction (a trade, an exchange) but rather an unselfish kind of giving that expects nothing in return except the joy of the other.
Anyway, if I can discipline myself (and don't run out of balls), I'll be tring to flesh out these ideas here.
But love isn't about stuff. I guess giving me things is how my parents express their love for me - I know they've tried to give me all the opportunities that they never had - but (and I'm sorry to say this) it never felt like love to me. Saying that makes me feel like a greedy, ungrateful bastard, and I suppose that's true. And I suppose that's also why it's so hard to admit.
What about God? Now that I think about it, the way I've tried to love God was to try and give him stuff. By extension, the love I expected from God was to get stuff. But that's not how love works, it's not what love is. As I understand it, love is a kind of unselfish generosity that seeks out the best for the one loved - a generosity that is not a transaction (a trade, an exchange) but rather an unselfish kind of giving that expects nothing in return except the joy of the other.
Anyway, if I can discipline myself (and don't run out of balls), I'll be tring to flesh out these ideas here.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
16. don't believe the HYPE! (draft rumors)
Have you heard rumors of a draft bill secretly making its way through congress? Have you read stories like this one which seem to suggest that George Bush has a covert plan to reinstate the draft once re-elected?
Well, to put it bluntly (because the news media ain't doing it) it's complete bullshit. Not the bill, the bill is real but what news stories like the one above DON'T tell you is that the bill was authored by New York Democrat, Charles B. Rangel.
Think that's all? Turns out the bill was defeated on October 5th by an almost unanimous 402 to 2 vote. Rangel didn't even vote for his own bill and the two that did vote yes were also Democrats.
Think that puts the rumors to rest? Nope. In covering the story, Reuters covers the story by saying that, "House Democrats accused Republicans of a dirty election-year trick". WTF!! They're the ones who authored the bill, they're the only ones who voted for the bill and it's the Republicans who are playing dirty politics?
All this to say that if you hear someone bring up the issue of the draft, hit them with these facts (facts that the mainstream news media aren't covering).
Well, to put it bluntly (because the news media ain't doing it) it's complete bullshit. Not the bill, the bill is real but what news stories like the one above DON'T tell you is that the bill was authored by New York Democrat, Charles B. Rangel.
Think that's all? Turns out the bill was defeated on October 5th by an almost unanimous 402 to 2 vote. Rangel didn't even vote for his own bill and the two that did vote yes were also Democrats.
Think that puts the rumors to rest? Nope. In covering the story, Reuters covers the story by saying that, "House Democrats accused Republicans of a dirty election-year trick". WTF!! They're the ones who authored the bill, they're the only ones who voted for the bill and it's the Republicans who are playing dirty politics?
All this to say that if you hear someone bring up the issue of the draft, hit them with these facts (facts that the mainstream news media aren't covering).
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
15. ranting again...(about the news)
So I was in line at Foodland buying milk, coffee, and Ararare (not to be consumed at the same time) last night and I see one of the local papers with a big front page headline reading something like, "Father of Killed Soldier Says Bush to Blame." Now first of all, let me say that my heart goes out to that guy - sons should bury fathers, not the other way around. It's a stupid turn of events, it should never happen, but it did. I don't have a problem with the father saying that. However....
I do have a problem with the newspaper (can't remember which one) highlighting this obvious anti-Bush story while ignoring all of the positive things that are taking place in the Middle East. Afghanastan just had their first election and there was a woman on the ballot for a prominant position. Did we hear anything other than a whisper of acknowledgement for what should have been a front page banner story? This is a country that was under the stranglehold of the Taliban just three short years ago - a society where women were not allowed to speak, let alone vote, let alone make it onto the ballot! Women's rights violations was a contradiction during that time because women had no rights. Even the men had it bad - voice an opinion that was perceived to be out of line with the clerics and torture and death could be possible consiquences. No free speech, no free press and they held their first election. Where was the coverage?
Could it be that highlighting good news in the Middle East would bolster the record of the president and lessen the chances of Kerry getting into office and thus such news gets repressed? Am I a conspiracy buff? Well riddle me this - how is it that Dan Rather airs a news story based on forged documents (a story critical of Bush) and when he gets called on it, the way the incident is reported is as a critique of the influence of conservative websites on the political landscape. HELLO! The real story is that a MAJOR network NEWS anchor did not do his job! Any first year journalism major will tell you the importance of checking sources. Dan Rather's story belonged on the front page of the National Enquirer, not as a story on the CBS Evening News!
All I want is an equal playing field. I want my news to shoot straight. I want both sides of any story but that's not what we have. All the major networks lean left (if not way left). Proof? When's the last time you heard a story critical of the pro-choice movement? What kind of view do you have of the pro-life movement, based on coverage in the media?
Second example - Fox News. Many people in the news media scoff at Fox News, saying that it's just a platform for the Republican party - they call it a conservative news network. That's bunk. You want to see a conservative news program? Watch the 700 Club. If Fox News appears conservative it's only because they treat news stories with an even hand.
This kind of stuff gets me nuts. I wish I could just ignore it but it's ubiquitous, even in when I'm just trying to buy some milk at Foodland! I'm not asking for conservative news. I'm asking for fair, honest news. That's all.
That's all.
I do have a problem with the newspaper (can't remember which one) highlighting this obvious anti-Bush story while ignoring all of the positive things that are taking place in the Middle East. Afghanastan just had their first election and there was a woman on the ballot for a prominant position. Did we hear anything other than a whisper of acknowledgement for what should have been a front page banner story? This is a country that was under the stranglehold of the Taliban just three short years ago - a society where women were not allowed to speak, let alone vote, let alone make it onto the ballot! Women's rights violations was a contradiction during that time because women had no rights. Even the men had it bad - voice an opinion that was perceived to be out of line with the clerics and torture and death could be possible consiquences. No free speech, no free press and they held their first election. Where was the coverage?
Could it be that highlighting good news in the Middle East would bolster the record of the president and lessen the chances of Kerry getting into office and thus such news gets repressed? Am I a conspiracy buff? Well riddle me this - how is it that Dan Rather airs a news story based on forged documents (a story critical of Bush) and when he gets called on it, the way the incident is reported is as a critique of the influence of conservative websites on the political landscape. HELLO! The real story is that a MAJOR network NEWS anchor did not do his job! Any first year journalism major will tell you the importance of checking sources. Dan Rather's story belonged on the front page of the National Enquirer, not as a story on the CBS Evening News!
All I want is an equal playing field. I want my news to shoot straight. I want both sides of any story but that's not what we have. All the major networks lean left (if not way left). Proof? When's the last time you heard a story critical of the pro-choice movement? What kind of view do you have of the pro-life movement, based on coverage in the media?
Second example - Fox News. Many people in the news media scoff at Fox News, saying that it's just a platform for the Republican party - they call it a conservative news network. That's bunk. You want to see a conservative news program? Watch the 700 Club. If Fox News appears conservative it's only because they treat news stories with an even hand.
This kind of stuff gets me nuts. I wish I could just ignore it but it's ubiquitous, even in when I'm just trying to buy some milk at Foodland! I'm not asking for conservative news. I'm asking for fair, honest news. That's all.
That's all.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
14. church and women
So I haven't been writing as much lately. Partly it's because I got tired of writing all that negative, pissamistic (my new word) stuff, but also because I've just been in a (slightly) better mood lately and it's harder for me to write whem I'm feeling okay.
I was talking to a good friend of mine (yeah you, Willie B) and he was freaking out because he didn't know how to handle things going well in his life. As for myself, I'm not feeling euphoric or anything like that. I'd say my emotions are par for the course right now - not great, not junk, just kinda chill. That kind of mood doesn't invite a lot of writing.
Oh, but here's some news. I quite my church this week (Olivet Baptist). Well, to be more accurate, I quit the worship team which was the only thing keeping me at the church, thus I quit my church. So now begins the long, tedious process of finding a new church. This is almost as bad as trying to find a date...and now that I think about it, the things I'm looking for in a church are very similar to things I'm looking for in a woman. For example:
smart and funny/relevant: After being a Christian, smart and funny are the two most important things I'm looking for in a woman. By smart, I mean someone who sees the world as it is - good, bad, and fugly. Someone who's smart enough to know she doesn't have all the answers (open-minded is probably the third on my list) - someone who likes to ask questions. As for being funny, if they're smart in the way I just described, they will be hella funny
I also want my church to be smart in the same way. A church that sees the world as it is - there are good things and there are bad things and then there are the Democrats (sorry, couldn't resist) and a church should be hip to all of it. So many churches see the world only one way - all bad or all good. The world is both. I also want a church that will admit it doesn't have all the answers. God has all the answers, churches do not but some pastors preach as if they do.
Oka, that's all for now. More than I thought I was going to write...maybe I'll continue on this search for woman/church comparison but I'm pooped. I'm going to sleep now. Hope you had a good day.
randall
I was talking to a good friend of mine (yeah you, Willie B) and he was freaking out because he didn't know how to handle things going well in his life. As for myself, I'm not feeling euphoric or anything like that. I'd say my emotions are par for the course right now - not great, not junk, just kinda chill. That kind of mood doesn't invite a lot of writing.
Oh, but here's some news. I quite my church this week (Olivet Baptist). Well, to be more accurate, I quit the worship team which was the only thing keeping me at the church, thus I quit my church. So now begins the long, tedious process of finding a new church. This is almost as bad as trying to find a date...and now that I think about it, the things I'm looking for in a church are very similar to things I'm looking for in a woman. For example:
smart and funny/relevant: After being a Christian, smart and funny are the two most important things I'm looking for in a woman. By smart, I mean someone who sees the world as it is - good, bad, and fugly. Someone who's smart enough to know she doesn't have all the answers (open-minded is probably the third on my list) - someone who likes to ask questions. As for being funny, if they're smart in the way I just described, they will be hella funny
I also want my church to be smart in the same way. A church that sees the world as it is - there are good things and there are bad things and then there are the Democrats (sorry, couldn't resist) and a church should be hip to all of it. So many churches see the world only one way - all bad or all good. The world is both. I also want a church that will admit it doesn't have all the answers. God has all the answers, churches do not but some pastors preach as if they do.
Oka, that's all for now. More than I thought I was going to write...maybe I'll continue on this search for woman/church comparison but I'm pooped. I'm going to sleep now. Hope you had a good day.
randall
Thursday, October 14, 2004
13. Punk'd, God style
I'm thinking about that movie, Deep Blue Sea (I think that was the title) - the movie with the smart sharks (ugh). Overall a pretty lame movie but it did have that one scene where Samuel L. Jackson gets chomped...now I like Jackson but I love how just as you're settling into the here-comes-the-inspirational-speech mode they WHAM! drop the bomb on you! That was great.
Anyway, I'm thinking about my life lately and I start to think about how at some point in the movie the main characters realize that the sharks have been systematically flooding strategic parts of the underwater lab in order to drive them to where they want them (now that's a stupid idea because it's not like the sharks had internet access and could download the architectural plans of the lab, you know?). And I'm thinking about how Yancy has been writing that God uses all things, even silence and frustration and loneliness, to teach us something or to bring something out of us or (and here's where the movie analogy sinks in, no pun intended) to drive us somewhere. The sharks driving the people through the lab and God driving the Isrealites through the wilderness are the same. We may not realize that we're being guided somewhere until we get there.
Now the Isrealites kind of knew they were going to the promised land but all the scientists knew was that they wanted to get the hell out of the lab and they kept running into obstacles that foiled their nice, tidy plans. They were frustrated time and time again and at the time they thought it was just bad luck but it turned out to be the sharks plotting against them (yeah, right).
Fortunately for me, God is using these frustrating dead ends in my life to guide me to something...well, I have no idea what except that it's better than where I was before. If I believe in God and the way he's described in the Bible then I have to come to that conclusion. I mean the the only alternative is that he's driving me out into the open so he can eat me, but I don't think God is a shark...or a landshark for that matter. I suppose there's a third option - that God isn't real and that I've just had really shitty luck in life but I'm well past the point of doubting God's existance and I've never seen God described as a shark in the Bible so I'm sticking to my first theory.
Hmm...for the first time in a LONG time, I'm beginning to see God as something other than some cosmic grandfather who likes to play shooting gallery with my dreams (I really do have that image of him sometimes). The wilderness is stupid and I haven't suffered these trials gracefully - I've been bitching and moaning all the way like the Isrealites did. I sought out and worshped some golden calfs along the way because they were more tangible, more tactile, more readily at hand and I've had to drink the bitter cup as a consequence. But unlike the Isrealites who wised up, I blamed God for the cup as well. I'm stupid and I'm sorry.
I don't know where God's taking me. I can't see around the bend. I dont know how much longer I've got to circle the promised land but I've been reminded tonight that there is something out there. It's going to put a big smile on my soul and I know there are angels waiting and watching like Ashton Kutcher hidden cameras. Yeah, that's right. God is Punking me and one day he's going to come out and say, boy did you look stupid going through all that. And we're just going to laugh and laugh and laugh...
Any time now, Lord. Joke's getting kinda old...
Anyway, I'm thinking about my life lately and I start to think about how at some point in the movie the main characters realize that the sharks have been systematically flooding strategic parts of the underwater lab in order to drive them to where they want them (now that's a stupid idea because it's not like the sharks had internet access and could download the architectural plans of the lab, you know?). And I'm thinking about how Yancy has been writing that God uses all things, even silence and frustration and loneliness, to teach us something or to bring something out of us or (and here's where the movie analogy sinks in, no pun intended) to drive us somewhere. The sharks driving the people through the lab and God driving the Isrealites through the wilderness are the same. We may not realize that we're being guided somewhere until we get there.
Now the Isrealites kind of knew they were going to the promised land but all the scientists knew was that they wanted to get the hell out of the lab and they kept running into obstacles that foiled their nice, tidy plans. They were frustrated time and time again and at the time they thought it was just bad luck but it turned out to be the sharks plotting against them (yeah, right).
Fortunately for me, God is using these frustrating dead ends in my life to guide me to something...well, I have no idea what except that it's better than where I was before. If I believe in God and the way he's described in the Bible then I have to come to that conclusion. I mean the the only alternative is that he's driving me out into the open so he can eat me, but I don't think God is a shark...or a landshark for that matter. I suppose there's a third option - that God isn't real and that I've just had really shitty luck in life but I'm well past the point of doubting God's existance and I've never seen God described as a shark in the Bible so I'm sticking to my first theory.
Hmm...for the first time in a LONG time, I'm beginning to see God as something other than some cosmic grandfather who likes to play shooting gallery with my dreams (I really do have that image of him sometimes). The wilderness is stupid and I haven't suffered these trials gracefully - I've been bitching and moaning all the way like the Isrealites did. I sought out and worshped some golden calfs along the way because they were more tangible, more tactile, more readily at hand and I've had to drink the bitter cup as a consequence. But unlike the Isrealites who wised up, I blamed God for the cup as well. I'm stupid and I'm sorry.
I don't know where God's taking me. I can't see around the bend. I dont know how much longer I've got to circle the promised land but I've been reminded tonight that there is something out there. It's going to put a big smile on my soul and I know there are angels waiting and watching like Ashton Kutcher hidden cameras. Yeah, that's right. God is Punking me and one day he's going to come out and say, boy did you look stupid going through all that. And we're just going to laugh and laugh and laugh...
Any time now, Lord. Joke's getting kinda old...
12. More from Yancey...
Was reading at lunch about how Yancy believes that the true Christian life is not lived at any one extreme or even in the middle, rather it is lived with both extremes. Huh? Well on the one hand, God woos us into relationship with him but at the same time he is (while we live) transcendent, other, apart, unknowable. The Bible is absolute truth but it's also the living word (which implies change). God knows everything that will happen but we have the freedom to disobey him. There are other examples but I'm at work and quoting out of the book is difficult.
Anyway, I was thinking about how much of my Christianity was formed through a ministry that stressed absolutes. "Right and wrong are absolutes - every choice, every situation, every thing falls under being right or wrong in God's eyes." They pointed to the ills of society and said that they were the result of a world living apart from God's design. The implication was to align one's life with right living by making right choices - read the right books, listen to the right music (classical), worship at the right churches (they had a list of suggestions), worship with the right songs (preferably hymns). Anyway, while the thought of a world ordered by absolutes was an appealing one, reality turned out to be more nuanced than that. I don't think the world is grey, rather there's dark grey areas and off white areas.
On the other hand, there are churches where anything goes. I was reading the works of someone named Robert Farrar Capon who seemed to say that everyone (and he meant everyone) was saved, they had only to realize it. I don't think he meant saved after they realized it, he mean they were saved whether they realized it or not. The job of the church was to make them aware of it so that they could stop fretting over the problems of life and live in the blessings that Christ died to give us. Now this is a gross over-simplification (at least I hope it is) of his work but it goes to show that there are some who will go to the opposite extreme from the absolutists and say that anything goes under the blanket of grace. But grace IS real and salvation is unearned. The sinner who sincerely (and who can judge sincerity) repents after stumbling for the trillionth time is just as forgiven and he is still saved even while he is sinning for trillionth and oneth time.
Once I got to the point where I stopped buying into the absolutely absolute view of the world I started searching for a new paradigm, somewhere between there and the loosy-goosy cheap grace of Capon. But there really is no middle ground and so for a long time, I didn't know where I stood. Yancy, however, says that the only answer is to embrace (or at best live with) both extremes. I like this alternative because it's adventerous, it's flexible, malleable. I like having options. Don't ask me to pin down a point between the two because they're both true and both in effect.
Anyway, I wrote this in three quick spurts (between my supervisor's watchful eye). I have no idea if it holds together. I'll try to write something more coherent tonight.
randall
Anyway, I was thinking about how much of my Christianity was formed through a ministry that stressed absolutes. "Right and wrong are absolutes - every choice, every situation, every thing falls under being right or wrong in God's eyes." They pointed to the ills of society and said that they were the result of a world living apart from God's design. The implication was to align one's life with right living by making right choices - read the right books, listen to the right music (classical), worship at the right churches (they had a list of suggestions), worship with the right songs (preferably hymns). Anyway, while the thought of a world ordered by absolutes was an appealing one, reality turned out to be more nuanced than that. I don't think the world is grey, rather there's dark grey areas and off white areas.
On the other hand, there are churches where anything goes. I was reading the works of someone named Robert Farrar Capon who seemed to say that everyone (and he meant everyone) was saved, they had only to realize it. I don't think he meant saved after they realized it, he mean they were saved whether they realized it or not. The job of the church was to make them aware of it so that they could stop fretting over the problems of life and live in the blessings that Christ died to give us. Now this is a gross over-simplification (at least I hope it is) of his work but it goes to show that there are some who will go to the opposite extreme from the absolutists and say that anything goes under the blanket of grace. But grace IS real and salvation is unearned. The sinner who sincerely (and who can judge sincerity) repents after stumbling for the trillionth time is just as forgiven and he is still saved even while he is sinning for trillionth and oneth time.
Once I got to the point where I stopped buying into the absolutely absolute view of the world I started searching for a new paradigm, somewhere between there and the loosy-goosy cheap grace of Capon. But there really is no middle ground and so for a long time, I didn't know where I stood. Yancy, however, says that the only answer is to embrace (or at best live with) both extremes. I like this alternative because it's adventerous, it's flexible, malleable. I like having options. Don't ask me to pin down a point between the two because they're both true and both in effect.
Anyway, I wrote this in three quick spurts (between my supervisor's watchful eye). I have no idea if it holds together. I'll try to write something more coherent tonight.
randall
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
11. faith and dobut
I'm reading this book by Philip Yancey called _Reaching for the Invisible God_ and it's all about the stuff I've been thinking (and writing) about lately. One of the best things (so far) about the book is that it doesn't try to answer the questions I have about God, rather it gives suggestions, hints, clues, choices which I find comforting. I'm pretty sure if he were to say, "here's steps one, two, and three of how to have a vibrant relationship with God," I'd throw the book out the window - that's not the kind of relationship I want to have.
Anyway, one of the things Yancey suggests is that the question, "why," is not a very useful one when it comes to understanding one's situation because the question is a backwards-looking one - it forces one to focus on the path. While "why" is the most obvious question it turns out to be a futile one. More useful questions might be something like what am I to learn from this situation, how is this helping me to grow, what is this bringing out of me?
In a sense (and now this is my bit, not Yancy's, so if it's bunk, don't blame him) the question, why, is a trap - it doesn't go anywhere and in the grand scheme of things (and remember, the universe is 158 billion light years wide...that's a pretty grand scheme) we probably couldn't understand why even if God were to try and explain himself.
So here's where faith comes in. Faith says, "I don't understand but I'll keep going anyway)." I'm still digesting that idea but it does seem to make sense.
Anyway, it's a great book. I'll probably be writnig more about it in the days/weeks to come. Until then,
God Bless,
randall
Anyway, one of the things Yancey suggests is that the question, "why," is not a very useful one when it comes to understanding one's situation because the question is a backwards-looking one - it forces one to focus on the path. While "why" is the most obvious question it turns out to be a futile one. More useful questions might be something like what am I to learn from this situation, how is this helping me to grow, what is this bringing out of me?
In a sense (and now this is my bit, not Yancy's, so if it's bunk, don't blame him) the question, why, is a trap - it doesn't go anywhere and in the grand scheme of things (and remember, the universe is 158 billion light years wide...that's a pretty grand scheme) we probably couldn't understand why even if God were to try and explain himself.
So here's where faith comes in. Faith says, "I don't understand but I'll keep going anyway)." I'm still digesting that idea but it does seem to make sense.
Anyway, it's a great book. I'll probably be writnig more about it in the days/weeks to come. Until then,
God Bless,
randall
10. Job, the guy not the career
So I was thinking about Job yesterday and I was struck by the way that God didn't really answer any of Job's questions but still, Job was satisfied with what God did say - which was basically two things: who are you and this is who I am. Anyway, I got to thinking about how I've got all these issues with God and I'm confused, and I don't understand, but I still believe in God; and I'm wondering if I'm open enough to hearing from God. Am I only listening for the answers to my petty questions or am I keeping myself open to hearing whatever it is that he wants to say?
I know the correct answer is to keep myself open but at the same time I don't know how to let go of the nagging questions I do have. It's not like I'm holding onto a bag of questions that I can just let go and let fall to the floor. It's more like they're tatooed to my arms. They've faded a bit over time but I can't wash them off. And everytime I raise my hands to do something for God, I notice them.
Okay, I've got to get ready for work. I thought I posted something last night but I was so tired by the time I got home I probably hit the "Cancel" button by accident. I don't think I deleted anything profound...or maybe I did. Oh well, life goes on.
I know the correct answer is to keep myself open but at the same time I don't know how to let go of the nagging questions I do have. It's not like I'm holding onto a bag of questions that I can just let go and let fall to the floor. It's more like they're tatooed to my arms. They've faded a bit over time but I can't wash them off. And everytime I raise my hands to do something for God, I notice them.
Okay, I've got to get ready for work. I thought I posted something last night but I was so tired by the time I got home I probably hit the "Cancel" button by accident. I don't think I deleted anything profound...or maybe I did. Oh well, life goes on.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
9. on worship...
In about an hour I head off to my church to play on the worship team. It's not something I'm looking forward to, but I don't know...I just go. I can't really figure it out. it's like every time I leave a rehearsal or Sunday worship tiime I keep thinking to myself that I hate this. I leave in a worse mood than when I came in. And I'm not really sure why.
...although I do have some ideas as to why...
For one thing, I know it's not completely their fault. I honestly can't remember the last time I truly felt worshipful - when I felt my praise of God was anything more than words and melody. Now some might say that worship is not about feelings and I'll grant that to a degree but even intellectually, one of the things that hinders my worship is the language of love and relationship which I just can't relate to right now (see blog titled, "theory vs practice" as for why).
But it's more than that too. So much of the worship songs that we sing just sound like crappy-assed pop songs (I was temped to use stronger language there, but sheesh, we're talking about worship - have some respect! God knows what I wanted to say). Replace God or Jesus with Elaine or Lisa and you've got the next boy-band uber-hit. I don't get any sense of awe or wonder or even reverance. I also think that the theology of some songs are suspect. And lastly, the lyrics themselves are so...I'm not sure what word to use here. What I'm trying to say is that they don't seem to be exploring or striving to say something that can't be put into words - they don't sound like poetry, they sound manufactured.
Oh, and here's something that ALWAYS kills me: "that's not how they did it on the CD." I want to break things and throw chairs around the room when I hear that. Who cares! That has nothing to do with worship. Most worship songs are recorded live and they sang that song the way they did becuase it was right for that time and that place with those people. We're not there and we're not them.
Maybe this comes down to what really bothers me about worship. In my mind, I understand God to be transcendent, more powerful than can be understood or even contemplated. I think of the universe we live in. The Hubble telescope has imaged galaxies 13 BILLION light years away. Keep in mind that one light year is equal to about 5.8 TRILLION miles. Want to hear a figure that's even more astounding? Scientists estimate that the universe is AT LEAST 156 billion light years wide (and growing). But here's the most outrageous fact of all - God reigns over all of it, God created all of it and as vast as the universe is, God chose to put all that power aside, took human form and came to this little speck of rock called Earth to tell us what he's all about and to take all of our selfish sins upon himself and died with them so that we wouldn't have to.
There's a God that I want to worship. I don't see that God in the worship songs of today.
Ironically, after all that ranting I've got to get in the shower and head off to my church.
Maybe I'll continue this tonight. Probably not.
...although I do have some ideas as to why...
For one thing, I know it's not completely their fault. I honestly can't remember the last time I truly felt worshipful - when I felt my praise of God was anything more than words and melody. Now some might say that worship is not about feelings and I'll grant that to a degree but even intellectually, one of the things that hinders my worship is the language of love and relationship which I just can't relate to right now (see blog titled, "theory vs practice" as for why).
But it's more than that too. So much of the worship songs that we sing just sound like crappy-assed pop songs (I was temped to use stronger language there, but sheesh, we're talking about worship - have some respect! God knows what I wanted to say). Replace God or Jesus with Elaine or Lisa and you've got the next boy-band uber-hit. I don't get any sense of awe or wonder or even reverance. I also think that the theology of some songs are suspect. And lastly, the lyrics themselves are so...I'm not sure what word to use here. What I'm trying to say is that they don't seem to be exploring or striving to say something that can't be put into words - they don't sound like poetry, they sound manufactured.
Oh, and here's something that ALWAYS kills me: "that's not how they did it on the CD." I want to break things and throw chairs around the room when I hear that. Who cares! That has nothing to do with worship. Most worship songs are recorded live and they sang that song the way they did becuase it was right for that time and that place with those people. We're not there and we're not them.
Maybe this comes down to what really bothers me about worship. In my mind, I understand God to be transcendent, more powerful than can be understood or even contemplated. I think of the universe we live in. The Hubble telescope has imaged galaxies 13 BILLION light years away. Keep in mind that one light year is equal to about 5.8 TRILLION miles. Want to hear a figure that's even more astounding? Scientists estimate that the universe is AT LEAST 156 billion light years wide (and growing). But here's the most outrageous fact of all - God reigns over all of it, God created all of it and as vast as the universe is, God chose to put all that power aside, took human form and came to this little speck of rock called Earth to tell us what he's all about and to take all of our selfish sins upon himself and died with them so that we wouldn't have to.
There's a God that I want to worship. I don't see that God in the worship songs of today.
Ironically, after all that ranting I've got to get in the shower and head off to my church.
Maybe I'll continue this tonight. Probably not.
Friday, October 08, 2004
8. supah short
Okay, I had to work super early and I'm super tired so this is going to be super short.
Writing that story thing (see previous blog entry) was a lot of fun. I have no idea where that came from. I just put my fingers on the keyboard and let loose. Whenever I saw that I was relying on words, phrases, ideas that I had used before (or are in the least bit cliche), I would stop, go back a few lines then start agin.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my high school English teacher who taught me how to free write.
ZZZZZzzzzz.......
Writing that story thing (see previous blog entry) was a lot of fun. I have no idea where that came from. I just put my fingers on the keyboard and let loose. Whenever I saw that I was relying on words, phrases, ideas that I had used before (or are in the least bit cliche), I would stop, go back a few lines then start agin.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my high school English teacher who taught me how to free write.
ZZZZZzzzzz.......
7. Statues
He turns another corner but still has no idea where he is. He's running out of gas and it's getting dark. He started worrying an hour ago and is approaching panic zone - that old ache in his neck is flaring up. Nothing looks familiar. He's given up on trying to find his destination, he's just trying to find his way back to anything he can recognize but damn these one way streets! Peering down a cross street he sees a statue that looks familiar - a bronze bust, abstracted - but the street there is one way (the wrong way). So he tries the next cross street hoping to circle around but one way leads to another way and when he finds the statue it turns out to be different from the one he remembered.
The engine sputters, shudders to a stop. He puts the car in neutral and drifts to the side of the road. He wants to cry. He wants to scream. He wants to tear the fucking steering wheel off and bludgeon the first person who walks by. His face taut, he puts the car in park and stares out the window. The last bit of sun disapears behind the horizon.
He takes a deep breath. He hears a faint humming, buzzing sound and looks to the left where he sees the statue he had been looking for. He thinks for a moment and by his calculations it should be on the right side of the road. So he turns his head to the right and sees the exact same statue. He looks left again and now there are two of them, one in the middle of the road. There is a sudden explosion of sound and the front of his car lurches upwards. In his rear view mirror he sees that the top half of another statue has dented in his trunk and crashed through the rear window. Past his rear view he sees a blur of movement then a wall of statues at his front bumper. He tries to get out but they block the door. The buzzing sound has become an invasive, oppressive presence - a Wagnerian orchestra of hunter bees, tripple forte.
He is cowering now, too scared to be confused. They're everywhere, taller now and arching over him so that they block the twilight from the sky. He opens his mouth intending to yell but can only manage a trembling whispering, "who are you?"
A jolt runs through his body and he's sure he's been impaled by one of them but it's just the front end of his car crashing back to the ground. Sound fills his car but he realizes that it's just him screaming so he stops. The only sound left is Louis Armstrong singing "what a wonderful world." He switches off the radio and now everything is silent, still. His car, the street, the sky - all clear and free.
He closes his eyes and thinks, "that was a close one."
The engine sputters, shudders to a stop. He puts the car in neutral and drifts to the side of the road. He wants to cry. He wants to scream. He wants to tear the fucking steering wheel off and bludgeon the first person who walks by. His face taut, he puts the car in park and stares out the window. The last bit of sun disapears behind the horizon.
He takes a deep breath. He hears a faint humming, buzzing sound and looks to the left where he sees the statue he had been looking for. He thinks for a moment and by his calculations it should be on the right side of the road. So he turns his head to the right and sees the exact same statue. He looks left again and now there are two of them, one in the middle of the road. There is a sudden explosion of sound and the front of his car lurches upwards. In his rear view mirror he sees that the top half of another statue has dented in his trunk and crashed through the rear window. Past his rear view he sees a blur of movement then a wall of statues at his front bumper. He tries to get out but they block the door. The buzzing sound has become an invasive, oppressive presence - a Wagnerian orchestra of hunter bees, tripple forte.
He is cowering now, too scared to be confused. They're everywhere, taller now and arching over him so that they block the twilight from the sky. He opens his mouth intending to yell but can only manage a trembling whispering, "who are you?"
A jolt runs through his body and he's sure he's been impaled by one of them but it's just the front end of his car crashing back to the ground. Sound fills his car but he realizes that it's just him screaming so he stops. The only sound left is Louis Armstrong singing "what a wonderful world." He switches off the radio and now everything is silent, still. His car, the street, the sky - all clear and free.
He closes his eyes and thinks, "that was a close one."
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
6. clues and hints
So today the synapses were firing right and I got some ideas for lyrics for my band. I can't help but think that writing these past three nights has helped the old pathways open up again.
How good were these ideas? Well as any artist will tell you, most of them are crap and will never be used anywhere but they're clues, little hints urging me on towards something larger and more profound. You follow them one by one. You gather them up and try to piece them together. They don't come in order and they don't always belong to the same whole.
Here's what I found today:
...that the world has ever seen
conspiracy theory
time and space conspire to keep us apart
and that's it. No, it's not a lot but that little bit is more than I've gotten in the last few months. I don't know what will become of these little pieces. The latter two seem to go together and that's encouraging.
Not a lot tonight. Hopefully enough to keep the fissure open.
Goodnight all.
How good were these ideas? Well as any artist will tell you, most of them are crap and will never be used anywhere but they're clues, little hints urging me on towards something larger and more profound. You follow them one by one. You gather them up and try to piece them together. They don't come in order and they don't always belong to the same whole.
Here's what I found today:
...that the world has ever seen
conspiracy theory
time and space conspire to keep us apart
and that's it. No, it's not a lot but that little bit is more than I've gotten in the last few months. I don't know what will become of these little pieces. The latter two seem to go together and that's encouraging.
Not a lot tonight. Hopefully enough to keep the fissure open.
Goodnight all.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
5. numb...
General state of mind these days? Numb.
I suppose being numb is a little better than being depressed or lonely (my other two most common emotional states these days) but not by much. Numb is different from being content, numb is not a zen-like balance, numb is just a dull, throbing nothing. Now that I think about it, it's really worse than being depressed or lonely. When I'm lonely I go looking and that's something. Whem I'm depressed I try to find some diversion and that's something. Numb makes me want to turn on the television and surf channel after channel of nothing and that's me at my worst.
There's a part of me that now understands why some people inflict pain upon themselves. I can't remember the name of the disorder or the condition but if anyone has seen the movie Secretary, it's what the main character would do to herself in the first half of the movie. She had this box and inside were razors and other sharp objects. There's one scene where she takes a little ballerina out of this box and sharpens the toe to a point and presses it to the inside of her thigh where no one will notice the scar. At one point, her boss, Edward confronts her about this behavior and he says that she does this to bring the pain she feels inside up to the surface.
From what I remember reading about this condition, this may be the case but there are other instances where people do this because they just want to feel something, anything. I had no idea what that meant when I first read it but I understand it now.
Please don't go looking for scars on my body, I'm not about to start something like that. Just because I understand something does not mean I think it's a good idea. I think it's sad and misguided...but I understand.
Numb has no inertia, no velocity, no vector. I may as well be sleeping.
Tomorrow's potential topic: the issues I have with God (bring a lightning rod).
I suppose being numb is a little better than being depressed or lonely (my other two most common emotional states these days) but not by much. Numb is different from being content, numb is not a zen-like balance, numb is just a dull, throbing nothing. Now that I think about it, it's really worse than being depressed or lonely. When I'm lonely I go looking and that's something. Whem I'm depressed I try to find some diversion and that's something. Numb makes me want to turn on the television and surf channel after channel of nothing and that's me at my worst.
There's a part of me that now understands why some people inflict pain upon themselves. I can't remember the name of the disorder or the condition but if anyone has seen the movie Secretary, it's what the main character would do to herself in the first half of the movie. She had this box and inside were razors and other sharp objects. There's one scene where she takes a little ballerina out of this box and sharpens the toe to a point and presses it to the inside of her thigh where no one will notice the scar. At one point, her boss, Edward confronts her about this behavior and he says that she does this to bring the pain she feels inside up to the surface.
From what I remember reading about this condition, this may be the case but there are other instances where people do this because they just want to feel something, anything. I had no idea what that meant when I first read it but I understand it now.
Please don't go looking for scars on my body, I'm not about to start something like that. Just because I understand something does not mean I think it's a good idea. I think it's sad and misguided...but I understand.
Numb has no inertia, no velocity, no vector. I may as well be sleeping.
Tomorrow's potential topic: the issues I have with God (bring a lightning rod).
Monday, October 04, 2004
4. theory vs practice
For the most part, my faith has been long on theory but short on practice. Take God's love, for example. In theory I know that God loves me. The Bible is full of references to that effect and I believe it...in theory, in my head. But as for experiencing God's love, feeling God's love I come up short.
I was talking with Willie and Rocky about this last night, how on the one hand I know that God loves me but when it comes to feeling the love of God, experiencing this love in my life, it isn't there. See here's the thing. All through my 20's I tried to do all the things that my pastors, my disciplers, my Bible study leaders told me were the right things to do. I lived my life as if it were an equation where right action equaled blessings and a fulfilled life. But that's not how God works. God's grace is without merrit. There's nothing I can do to earn any kind of blessing or favor from God. There is no equals sign in that equation.
I wish I had learned this earlier. So I could live a more promiscuous life? No, so I wouldn't live my life waiting for the sum of my good works to equal a charmed life, so I wouldn't live with the thought that I wasn't good enough, that God wanted more of me than I knew how to give.
So what now? Where do I go from here? All those years under the weight of that formula has left me spiritually dead. Maybe an example would help here. Back when I was at UH, before I declared my major, I was thinking that I was going to be an English major so I took a bunch of 200 level English classes thinking that once I declared my major that I'd be way ahead of the game. Turns out that English is one of the few majors at UH where the only classes that count are 300 and above so all thoses 200 level classes were only counted as electives. I was basically starting my English degree from scratch and all those classes were just a waste of time.
That's how I feel about my Christianity for the past ten years - I thought I was going somewhere but it turns out that I was just spinning my wheels. Only thing is, whereas my English advisor informed me of my error, all my Christian "advisors" told me I was on the right track. And here's the worst part - the part I really can't figure out. How could God let this happen? How could he let those who were supposed to help me decieve me instead? How am I supposed to experience God's love through that kind of mis-management?
I wish I could say that this new perspective was a revelation, an epiphany that launched me into a new, vibrant relationship with God but it hasn't. I can't reconcile the thought of a loving God with all of the bad advice that came from those entrusted with teaching me about him. How does that illustrate a good and loving God?
I'm tired of this theoretical knowledge of God's love. I don't need an explanation for all those wasted years, but I need to be fueled, filled with the Spirit of God. But I don't know how to get from here to there.
Writing has always been the way that God has spoken to me. And so I write. I begin with this rant and I will continue to write and I will wait for the divine to peek through these lines.
I was talking with Willie and Rocky about this last night, how on the one hand I know that God loves me but when it comes to feeling the love of God, experiencing this love in my life, it isn't there. See here's the thing. All through my 20's I tried to do all the things that my pastors, my disciplers, my Bible study leaders told me were the right things to do. I lived my life as if it were an equation where right action equaled blessings and a fulfilled life. But that's not how God works. God's grace is without merrit. There's nothing I can do to earn any kind of blessing or favor from God. There is no equals sign in that equation.
I wish I had learned this earlier. So I could live a more promiscuous life? No, so I wouldn't live my life waiting for the sum of my good works to equal a charmed life, so I wouldn't live with the thought that I wasn't good enough, that God wanted more of me than I knew how to give.
So what now? Where do I go from here? All those years under the weight of that formula has left me spiritually dead. Maybe an example would help here. Back when I was at UH, before I declared my major, I was thinking that I was going to be an English major so I took a bunch of 200 level English classes thinking that once I declared my major that I'd be way ahead of the game. Turns out that English is one of the few majors at UH where the only classes that count are 300 and above so all thoses 200 level classes were only counted as electives. I was basically starting my English degree from scratch and all those classes were just a waste of time.
That's how I feel about my Christianity for the past ten years - I thought I was going somewhere but it turns out that I was just spinning my wheels. Only thing is, whereas my English advisor informed me of my error, all my Christian "advisors" told me I was on the right track. And here's the worst part - the part I really can't figure out. How could God let this happen? How could he let those who were supposed to help me decieve me instead? How am I supposed to experience God's love through that kind of mis-management?
I wish I could say that this new perspective was a revelation, an epiphany that launched me into a new, vibrant relationship with God but it hasn't. I can't reconcile the thought of a loving God with all of the bad advice that came from those entrusted with teaching me about him. How does that illustrate a good and loving God?
I'm tired of this theoretical knowledge of God's love. I don't need an explanation for all those wasted years, but I need to be fueled, filled with the Spirit of God. But I don't know how to get from here to there.
Writing has always been the way that God has spoken to me. And so I write. I begin with this rant and I will continue to write and I will wait for the divine to peek through these lines.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
3. What the ponytail?
Why are all the cool people liberal? Seems every time I click on someone around here (or see someone on tv, or read about someone cool) they're always LIBERAL! I know I'm biased and liberals probably think the same thing about conservatives but being liberal is the easy, conformist, even trendy thing to do.
How can I say this? Well for one thing, the major news networks are liberal as are most newspapers (local as well as national) so one doesn't have to go far to have their opinions validated (how can anyone who thinks the media is balanced or even conservative explain the Dan Rather forged memo fiasco? Do you think such sloppy journalism would have allowed a story critical of John Kerry to air?). Most artists and movie stars/producers/directors are liberal so it's no problem finding liberal ideology in your entertainment. Most authors are liberal and even bookstores seem to lean left (go to the political section and cound the number of liberal/conservative books and see which have the most shelf space). And college campuses, which are supposed to encourage freedom of thought and candid discussion, regularly book speakers with far left ideas while giving conservatives little (if any) airtime. In addition, when a conservative speaker is featured, there are often liberal groups in the audience who chant and shout so that the speaker cannot be heard.
I swear, my head is about to explode. All I'm asking (and all most conservatives are asking) is for an equal share in the political discourse - a level playing field. I'm not saying that conservatives have all the right answers, I just wish we'd be able to discuss and debate fairly. Can't we act like adults or do we only know how to tease and demonize those we don't agree with? And at this point, I'm not just criticizing the left - some conservative are just as guilty.
We all breathe the same air. We all sleep under the same sky. We all want a better world for our children. We may have different ideas about how to make tomorrow better than today but tomorrow, we're both going to wake up to the same day. Let's talk, let us reason together. If all we can do is agree to disagree then so be it but let us do so peacefully.
Okay, I feel a little better now.
How can I say this? Well for one thing, the major news networks are liberal as are most newspapers (local as well as national) so one doesn't have to go far to have their opinions validated (how can anyone who thinks the media is balanced or even conservative explain the Dan Rather forged memo fiasco? Do you think such sloppy journalism would have allowed a story critical of John Kerry to air?). Most artists and movie stars/producers/directors are liberal so it's no problem finding liberal ideology in your entertainment. Most authors are liberal and even bookstores seem to lean left (go to the political section and cound the number of liberal/conservative books and see which have the most shelf space). And college campuses, which are supposed to encourage freedom of thought and candid discussion, regularly book speakers with far left ideas while giving conservatives little (if any) airtime. In addition, when a conservative speaker is featured, there are often liberal groups in the audience who chant and shout so that the speaker cannot be heard.
I swear, my head is about to explode. All I'm asking (and all most conservatives are asking) is for an equal share in the political discourse - a level playing field. I'm not saying that conservatives have all the right answers, I just wish we'd be able to discuss and debate fairly. Can't we act like adults or do we only know how to tease and demonize those we don't agree with? And at this point, I'm not just criticizing the left - some conservative are just as guilty.
We all breathe the same air. We all sleep under the same sky. We all want a better world for our children. We may have different ideas about how to make tomorrow better than today but tomorrow, we're both going to wake up to the same day. Let's talk, let us reason together. If all we can do is agree to disagree then so be it but let us do so peacefully.
Okay, I feel a little better now.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
2. Awed, humbled, inspired...and exhausted. Art show a smashing success.
I don't know what to say. Where do I begin to express my thanks, my grattitude? I am so humbled by what happened last night. I am awed by what one little idea can mushroom into - and by all the hands, hearts, and minds that pitched in to help it grow. Despite all the problems marring Christianity, this is proof positive that the Body of Christ is alive, healthy, and longing to stretch its arms - if only we would free it from our petty, man-made boundaries.
I'm convinced that the problems we ran into (and they were many and they were hairy) were just the tip of the iceberg - the problems we actually saw are just the ones that slipped through spiritual defenses. Until we're home, in heaven, we'll never know what mayhem was kept at bay by the grace of God. And can anyone say that this show was not a miracle - that we were not graced by the presence of angels?
When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
Psalm 8:3-4
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
Isaiah 6:8
I'm convinced that the problems we ran into (and they were many and they were hairy) were just the tip of the iceberg - the problems we actually saw are just the ones that slipped through spiritual defenses. Until we're home, in heaven, we'll never know what mayhem was kept at bay by the grace of God. And can anyone say that this show was not a miracle - that we were not graced by the presence of angels?
When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
Psalm 8:3-4
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
Isaiah 6:8
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
