Thursday, November 25, 2004

20. geode...actually nodule

What the hell are you talking about, Randall?

Well a geode is a rock that looks like a rock but when you break it open there are crystals lining the interior. A nodule is somewhat like a geode but whereas a geode is hollow on the inside, a nodule is solid crystal (or crystaline material) inside. Impressed? Don't be, I just stole that info from some website. the hell are you talking about, Randall?

Well for the past few weeks (months, years) I've been writing the kind of drab, pity-party crap that fills my blog thing here. I had always thought that I had lost the ability to hope, to dream, to love. But after an interesting conversation with the talented Rocky Green, I realized that I didn't lose those things, they're still with me - it's just that all that good stuff has been hidden, trapped beneath this hard shell. It's like I'm one of those nodules, just waiting to be split open. There's all this beauty and goodness that wants to get out but the crust is thick and gross.

To me, that's a comforting thought. I used to think that I had lost my ability to be vulnerable, open, hopefull even. But it's not lost, it's just trapped in this shell. The good news is fissures are beginning to open up and every once in a while I catch glimpses of the old me. It wants to get out but fact is, I can't make it happen (well, maybe I could but I can't afford the therapy). This requires an act of God but it's begun. I get weepy at freaking Fannie May commercials - that's how bad the inside wants out. It's beginning but I'm not going to force it. One of these days, God's going to break me wide open and it's going to hurt like a mutha-fucker but it will also heal and renew.

Wait and seek.

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