306. spoons and tanks and Bjork

Maybe you’ve heard that story about how the difference between heaven and hell is the way they use their spoons. There are various versions of this story but the basic idea goes like this:

Some guy was given a pass to see into hell and heaven. In his peek into hell, he saw a large round table with a huge, steaming bowl of delicious soup in the middle. All around this table, there were people writhing in the throes of starvation because they had long spoons tied to their arms. The spoons were more than long enough to get to the soup but because of their length and the fact that they were strapped to their arms, they were unable to get any of the soup into their mouths.

So then he gets to peek into heaven and there he sees the identical setup - large round table, big bowl of soup, people with long spoons tied to their arms. But this time, the people were healthy and laughing and having a grand old time.

The guy turns to his guide and asks, "the two visions are the same but why are the people so much healthier and happier in heaven?" The guide replies, "in heaven, the people have learned to feed one another."

I don’t know, I think it’s a cute story. And I’ll admit that it made an impression on me when I first heard it many, many years ago.

But.

But I have to admit that there are times when I wonder when someone will get around to passing a spoon in my direction.

Because for a long time now I feel as if I’ve been doing my best to feed others - to help and to bless in whatever ways I can whenever, wherever I can - but to be honest, there have been many times lately when I feel as if I’ve been running out of empty myself.

A bit of clarification before I go on. I’m nowhere near as empty and broken as I was back in March when I wrote that "running out of empty" post. Big difference between then and now is that I’m not spending all my free time on my band’s CD or trying to plan a speed dating fundraiser. Back then I had zero free time - no time to myself, no time to recharge - it was just go, go, go.

Now? Well, now I actually have the luxury to decide what I want to do with most of my evenings. I’ve started running and biking again (I sold my old bike and bought a used Felt F70).

And so it’s not nearly the same kind of soul-crushing empty of the first half of the year.

But still, empty is empty and frankly, I’ve been somewhat at a loss to know how to replenish myself.

But maybe that’s part of the problem. Maybe "replenish myself" is a contradiction.

Which brings me back to that story about the spoons. I’ve been passing more than my fair share of soup to those around me but it seems to me that there aren’t a lot of spoonfuls coming back my way.

But here’s something I’ve learned about myself recently. I’m not very good at expressing need...because I’m not sure what I need. I’m not an easy person to buy presents for because I don’t know what I want. I’m not an easy person to cheer up because I don’t know what makes me happy.

And I’m very bad at standing up for myself so for the most part, I just don’t.

Ninety-five percent of the time, none of this is a problem because I spend most of my time trying to bless those around me - because if there is something that helps me to feel as if my life has meaning, it’s helping others.

But then what happens when it turns out that I’m the one that needs some help? I don’t know how to ask because I don’t know what I need or what I want.

It’s kind of like this:

There was a repairman who was great at fixing cars. He didn’t have formal training, he just kind of had a knack for it. He wasn’t in business as a repairman, he just made himself available to those around him. Often, when a repair called for a tool that he didn’t have, he’d go out and purchase it for himself. If he came across a repair he didn’t know how to perform, he’d read up on it and learn. He never asked for anything in return for his repairs - the joy of seeing his friends back on the road with functioning vehicles was reward enough.

But then one morning he got into his own car and turned the key but it wouldn’t start. And he couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He thought about calling on his friends to help but he knew that if he couldn’t figure out what was wrong with his own car, there was very little chance his friends would know what to do. Besides, even if he did call on them, he wouldn’t be able to tell them what was wrong because he himself didn’t know.

So who does the repairman call when he finds himself in disrepair? When he himself doesn’t know what’s wrong.

Of course he could pay to get professional help but that doesn’t seem fair does it? He doles out all this work for free but when he’s the one in need he has to pay?

See, helping other people, being there for friends, doing my best to help where I know how - that’s what I do, that’s what I enjoy doing.

But now that I’m the one who’s a bit broken, a bit empty, a bit not myself - I don’t know who to turn to and even if I did, I don’t know that I’d be able to adequately describe what was wrong.

Even here and now as I write...I love writing because often the process of putting something I’m wrestling with to words helps me get a handle on the problem. Often, insight will come to me as the sentences string themselves together and I end up surprised at the conclusions they lead me to.

But not this time.

I do have an outside thought as to what the problem might be but one of the problems with the conjecture is that even if it actually was what was bothering me, there’s no immediate remedy.

But it’s all I have so I’ll run with it.

There’s a book that I don’t particularly care for because I think the writing is weak and the example it cites are lame. It’s called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I think most people are familiar with the basic premise of the book - that there are five different ways (languages) that people give and receive love. If two people are speaking different languages (or even different "dialects" of the same language), then one or the other will feel unloved.

Well one of the other devices Chapman uses is the concept of a love tank. The idea is that people have this invisible love tank inside of them (tank as in vessel, not instrument of war). When they get "spoken to" in their language of love, their tank gets filled up and when their tank is full, it’s easier for them to be loving towards others. But if a person is constantly extending love but not getting their own tank filled, they will eventually run out and when that happens, all hell breaks loose - instead of feeding those around them with soup, they start bashing people on the head with their arm-spoons.

When I’m around some of my friends, I don’t quite feel myself. I’m more snarky and snappy than usual. I’m less likely to go out of my way to go the extra mile. I mean I do what’s required of me but lately I’ve been finding it hard to do anything more than that. And that’s not like me. And I don’t like me not being me.

And I’m wondering if it’s because my love tank is (out of) empty.

But what’s there to do about that?

Lately I’ve been trying to do more praying.

Prayer has never been easy for me. I mean, as a rather introverted person, it’s hard to do all the initiating in what feels a lot like a one way "conversation." (As an aside, there’s a part of me that’s not convinced that the word "conversation" is a good way to describe prayer, but it’s common enough that I have to wonder if I’m wrong.) But I’ve been trying.

The first couple weeks were the worst. My prayers were nothing but angry rants at God. I allowed myself to express some pretty raw frustrations to God in ways that aren’t very spiritually correct. But then I got over it a bit and while the frustrations were still there, I was able to pray about them in a more reasonable, less vitriolic way. And now I’m to the point where I’m more or less done ranting and am trying instead to pray for a way forward.

Basically, my prayer lately has been, "Lord, teach me how to love and how to be loved." And as I pray that, I mean it in two ways. I want to know how to love and be loved by those around me AND I want to know how to love and be loved by God. And if I could have my own way I’d want to know the latter before the former...but I’ll take them in any order God deems appropriate.

Funny thing.

Maybe this is answered prayer, maybe it’s coincidence, but about a week after I started praying this "teach me about love" prayer, I heard this amazing song thrown into the closing worship set at church. And then I heard it again a few nights ago which I find strange because it’s not a super popular song. But it speaks directly to what I’ve been feeling lately and so I’ll end this post with this song by Bjork. It’s called All Is Full Of Love and...oh shit! I just (now) saw the video for the song and the video shows a robot being repaired!

Anyway, here’s the video and the lyrics.



All Is Full of Love
Bjork

You’ll be given love
You’ll be taken care of
You’ll be given love
You have to trusts it

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at

Twist your head around
It’s all around you

All is full of love
All around you

All is full of love
You just ain’t receiving
All is full of love
Your phone is off the hook
All is full of love
Your doors are shut
All is full of love

305. another "christian" tagged...

A few months ago, I created a new tag for my blog called Christians (see entry 303). The basic idea is this: I’m becoming more and more convinced that the work of Christianity has as much to do with redeeming the world - building the Kingdom of God here and now - than it does with getting people to pray a salvation prayer or understanding a set of spiritual laws. And so when I find a link that illustrates the kind of work that christians should be doing, I’m going to post it up and label it as “christian” whether the person featured is a christian or not.

Yeah, it’s a thorny move but...well, maybe more on this in another post.

And with that I bring you William McDonough who has an amazing vision for sustainable architecture and urban design. Genius.

(If the embedded video below doesn’t work, try clicking here.)

304. where did July go?

I honestly can’t believe a month has gone by without me posting anything.

I mean I knew I was behind but I had no idea I was that far behind.

Sorry about that.

First some news to catch you all up:

1. I’m done mixing the new CD for my band, Harrison. I don’t mean to say that the CD is finished, I mean I’m done with it as in I’m sick and tired of working on it and so it’ll have to be just what it is. I’ll have more to say on this further down.

2. Uh...that’s kind of it.

I thought there was more to it than that but really, I think that’s really the only big news in my life right now.

And I guess it is kind of a big deal, I mean this project basically took up a whole six or seven months of my life.

But.

But unfortunately, I’m not really happy with the way it sounds. For lots of reasons.

For one thing, I don’t think working on a mix for a few hours every night after work is a very good way to mix. A lot of times I’d be in the studio after work and the way I would know it was time to quit, go home, and sleep was when I’d snap awake after dozing off (again) and realize I had no idea where I had last left off. I mean I was dozing off all the time at the studio because I was seriously sleep depraved but most of the time when I awoke I could remember what I had been working on and so could continue but when it came to the point where I’d wake and have no idea what I was doing - that was my cue to save for the night and go home.

In the end, I just got sick and tired of working on the damn CD. I know it could sound better. But I got to the point where I was no longer willing to sacrifice all my free time for it. And so I finished off what I could the best I could and basically said that’s that. There were a few more minor tweaks I took care of after the band listened to it but those were minor and relatively easy.

And so now I’m done with it.

And on the one hand I’m glad to be rid of the damned CD because I finally, FINALLY have some time to myself again.

But on the other hand, to have worked so long and hard on something that I’m not happy with - well, that sucks to a degree that I just don’t know how to express with mere words.

It feels stupid.

It feels like this: Imagine working on a huge, tedious, very detail oriented project. Maybe like building a house by one’s self. You spend all this time hammering away at little pieces - a little bit here and a little bit there, whatever you can do in whatever time you have. Day by day it’s one nail and one piece of wood at a time. You’re there on your knees working on this bit then working on that bit.

Finally you get to the point where you can stand back and see your work as a whole. You walk across the street and see the house as a whole for the first time and then realize something is amiss. It’s not quite square. It’s not something you can put your finger on but it’s just off. Not so off that you can’t see that its a house, but off enough that you know it’s not right.

And at this point, you don’t know how to fix it apart from tearing it all down and starting again from scratch. But there’s no way you’re going to do that and so you just say, "screw it," and declare the job done. It was a helluva lot of work but not something you feel you can be proud of.

That’s how this CD feels to me.

And it sucks.

When it came time to write the liner notes for the CD jacket, I didn’t list myself as the person who did the recording. I just wrote, "mixed and recorded by Harrison."

It’s pretty disheartening to say the least.

But it’s done...or at least, I’m done with it.

If I try to be reasonable, I’d say that it’s not awful. I mean, it sounds better than our first CD...but here’s the thing. I wasn’t shooting for "not awful." Whether it’s realistic or not, I was shooting for major label, big studio sound. I had a list of a few songs that had a kind of sound I was shooting for - songs I’d reference while mixing to make sure I was on the right track but somewhere along the line I missed a turn or something. At first I felt like I was getting closer and closer to that professional sound but at some point it was like everything I was trying was making the mix worse...well, not specifically worse, but at the same time, not closer to the sound I was shooting for.

But I’d already given up more than six months to this project and while I’m pretty sure I could have done a better job, I just didn’t have it in me. I was sick of working on it.

And so basically I gave up.

Anyway, we’re almost done with the graphics and the CD should be out by August or September at the latest. We’re also going to try and get it up on iTunes and a couple other on-line retailers. If you want a preview you can head over to our MySpace site.

In closing, don’t worry about me. I’ll get over the CD and my disappointment with it.

Part of my not blogging for over a month has to do with me sort of decompressing from all the work I put into the CD. I feel like I’ve been motoring away at 110 percent for over half a year and so I’m kind of taking a break. I’m going to try and take on as little extra responsibility as possible for the month of August, especially when it comes to the band. I feel bad about this because I have some big ideas on how to really make this last year and a half with the band a productive one. The music industry is in flux and I believe there are tons of never before seen opportunities for bands to blow up HUGE. Of course the only way to capitalize on never-before-seen opportunities is to try never-been-tried-before tactics and I have a few ideas tucked away in the back of my mind - promotional ideas that I’m dying to try out.

But not yet.

I need to get this damn CD out of my system. And so those plans will have to wait...you know, one way I’m going to know that I’m over the CD is when I stop referring to it as the "damn CD."

But blogging, that’s not part of this rest period. To the contrary, I actually feel a little better about the CD having written about it here.

That’s what writing does for me and I’m glad to be back at it.

Anyway, take a listen and (try to) enjoy.

Thanks for your patience.