Monday, July 11, 2005

44. why nice guys are single...

1. Because they're safe and girls don't want safe. They want the cowboy who's going to ride out into the night killing evil men with bad mustaches and dark hats. They want to look longingly, fearfully out the top window, waiting for their pirate to return from the seas with chests full of stolen gold. The want a man who knows how to make a weapon out of a broken bottle - the man who drank that bottle dry. They want the Harlequin adventure, not the guy who can quote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. They want the man who's going to break their heart because they want to believe that their beauty and their kindness will be enough to keep them from doing so.

2. Because they tell the truth, even if it means not getting the girl.

(and closely related)

3. Because they care for the girl more than themselves.

2 & 3 explained: A nice guy will bow out of chasing a girl if he knows that he's not right for her. He will also tell the truth about himself, because he cares for this girl more than himself. He will not hide distasteful truths about himself or his past - he may not volunteer them, but if asked he will spill the beans (even the lima beans...blah).

In contrast, a bad guy wants what he wants and will do/say/be anything he has to in order to get the girl he wants. What's right for the girl has no weight. He's free to play whatever mind/heart games he wishes and even if, on some level, he really cares for the girl, he will still shade the truth and hide his warts, figuring that once he's gotten the girl, he can just explain it all away even if he's found out. He wants what he wants first and if he has some explaining to do later on, he'll deal with it when (although he will try to make it, "if") it comes up

Now how is a nice guy supposed to compete with that?

4. Because they're more selective in who they pursue. They're usually more choosy because they only pursue girls they really care for. They're not just out to find a hot body or a pretty face. They want someone they can champion. And so they wait, and watch, and sigh longingly into their pillow at night.

5. Because they're usually dorks. Let's face it, nice guys are usually dorks - not nerds, because nerds have a certain kind of geeky charm. If they're skinny, it's in a way that makes them look weak, not stylish or emo. If they're fat, it's in a way that says, "lard-butt," not in a way that's buff or imposing. They have little to no sense of style

6. Because they think too much. If you're a guy and you're not sure what this out, you may be an asshole.

7. Because they try too hard (usually because they're thinking too much...see above). Should a nice guy find a girl he's interested in and should he actually believe that he would be good for her, he will (despite himself) throw caution to the wind and try to sweep the girl off her feet. This may take the form of letters, flowers, quoted or original poetry (stick to the quoted stuff unless you REALLY know what you're doing). They may even believe what they've seen on TV and think that singing a song for your lady is actually something that's attractive, becomming, and romantic. In reality it's usually awkward, embarasing, and painful (or best-case-scenario, laughable). Trust me guys, the singing thing is NOT easy to do well and it is far too easy to do poorly. I actually tried it once and not only did it not go well, it turned out to be the turning point where our once promising future became the never ending path of fire ants...instead of describing hell as a place "where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched" (Mark 9:48 KJV), God should have just said, "hell is a place where it's always the day after your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with you." I bet we'd have a lot more Christians if it read that way.

Let's see, what do we have so far:

1. Because they're safe.
2. Because they tell the truth.
3. Because they care for the girl more than themselves.
4. Because they're more selective.
5. Because they're dorks.
6. Because they think too much.
7. Because they try too hard.

Yeah, that's a pretty good list. Not comprehensive, to be sure, but along the right lines, I think.

Not all of them apply to me...not least not completely...(insert pregnant pause here)...oh hell, who am I kidding - it's not like I've been summarizing an article out of Anthropological Studies of the Well Mannered Male. But you know what? I don't give a shit. I'm a hella-fucking good catch and I feel sorry for the girls that spruned my advances (succumbing to some playah's smooth lines instead).

Anyway, girls, give a nice guy a chance. And if he buys you three dozen roses and sends them to you at work after the first date, don't go all apeshit and file for a TRO. Just understand that nice guys operate differently than other guys because they're not just another guy...they're a nice guy.

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