30. rant (caution, potty mouth)

What's the point? You try to be a good person, try to live a good life, try not to do harm and what does it all get you? A front row seat to watching those without morals cheat, steal, fuck, and generally get away with shit that you would get nabbed for without fail. It's like in that movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I'm like Cameron, watching Ferris get away with it all, only Ferris doesn't invite me along (although he still steals the Ferrari and trashes it in the end).

So what brought this on? Well something small, really, but it points to larger issues. Some fucking low-life asshole stole my brake pads from my bicycle yesterday. It's a small thing but still, it got me thinking - what's the point?

What's the use of trying to be good when girls only seem interested in dating assholes? And don't give me that shit about "your day will come, you're going to find somebody, blah, blah, blah," I'll believe it when my dating calendar is full.

Why stay away from pirated software, why pay for it when people are giving it away for free, when nobody's getting caught, when even fellow Christians think you cruel for not letting them install software you paid for instead of stole, when those same Christians think you're an idiot for not installing software they offer you?

Why let people merge on the freeway when the next dumbshit will just cut your ass off? Why use your turn signals when the guy in the next lane will just speed up to block your ass in? Why wait in the long line of cars waiting to get on the freeway when shitheads in SUVs and noisy, modded rice burners will squeeze their way in at the last minute?

What the fuck? I was raised (mostly by various facist parachurch organizations) to believe that it's better to place others' needs before your own, to think of others before yourself, that it's better to give than to receive. So I tried to live my life that way and all I did was get shat upon, used, taken advantage of, neglected. But I've lived this way for so long now, it's just part of who I am. I couldn't be a selfish bastard even if I wanted to. I suppose I could try but I would either get caught or feel so guilty about it that I'd never be able to enjoy the spoils.

Woe is fucking me. Like the world will care. Nice guys are just grease between the hard steel wheels that keep everything running. This world is an ugly, stupid, shithole. There are pockets and moments of beauty but they are the exception rather than the rule.

For those who know me and read this, don't worry. Days will go by and I'll wonder why and how I felt the way I did when I wrote this. Maybe I'll feel remorse and think about deleting this entry, maybe I'll be brave and let it stand. Rest assured, I'll go back to being my quiet, polite self. I'll tuck all this shit beneath the surface and life will go on. If you call me and ask me about it, I'll probably say that everything is fine now, and I'll probably mean it. It's not everyday that I get to feeling this way and even when I do, it passes quickly enough.

Maybe I'm just allergic to injustice. Getting my brake pads stolen caused this flare up and instead of making my nose run or sneezing, it dredges all this angst from the depths and muddies the mind, loosens this latent frustration and generally ruins my day.