...um...let's see...ah...maybe, no...
I'm sure if I think of it long enough I'll think of a few.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
28. God Shaped Hole
Was thinking about the concept of a God-shaped hole. Evangelicals have used this idea to explain the existential longing that gnaws at us late at night after reruns and infomercials drive us from the TV. They say that we have this longing because each of us has within us a God-shaped hole that only God can fill. The quote probably comes from Blaise Pascal, who actually called it a God shaped vacuum.
Here's what I've been thinking. If every part of man fell (became corrupted, not what it was originally made to be) during the fall, then even this hole fell. What I mean is, maybe there is this God-shaped cavern within us that is "shaped" in such a way that only God can fill it and make us whole. Well what if the shape of this space was corrupted in the fall along with the rest of man?
I kind of like this idea because it explains why for some people, their relationship with God is hand-in-glove whereas for other people (like me), the fit is not quite so snug. Maybe some peoples' God-holes are more misshapen than others and so they have a harder time relating to, understanding, even believing in God.
I don't know. Maybe this is taking the analogy too far, too literally. But I like it. It makes sense to me.
Anyone else?
Here's what I've been thinking. If every part of man fell (became corrupted, not what it was originally made to be) during the fall, then even this hole fell. What I mean is, maybe there is this God-shaped cavern within us that is "shaped" in such a way that only God can fill it and make us whole. Well what if the shape of this space was corrupted in the fall along with the rest of man?
I kind of like this idea because it explains why for some people, their relationship with God is hand-in-glove whereas for other people (like me), the fit is not quite so snug. Maybe some peoples' God-holes are more misshapen than others and so they have a harder time relating to, understanding, even believing in God.
I don't know. Maybe this is taking the analogy too far, too literally. But I like it. It makes sense to me.
Anyone else?
Thursday, March 17, 2005
27. next time I fall in love...
...oh nevermind. In order for there to be a next time there has to be a first time.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
26. God's shooting gallery
I used to believe that God played shooting gallery with my dreams. As I'd let them fly he'd pick them off one by one.
As you can imagine, this idea didn't make for a very trusting relationship. Now I believe that God is a just God and that he has a plan for everyone. But how can I belive that God has a plan for me while also believing that he shoots down my dreams?
(enter epiphany)
The only reason God would keep my dreams from coming true is if they weren't the dreams that he had for me. In other words, the dreams that I had weren't in line with the plans that God has for me so he had to get rid of them.
I like this idea with one caveat - I liked my dreams. Even if they weren't coming true, it was nice to be able to hold them in my hands, nurture them, wish them into being. If they aren't the dreams that God wants for me, I'd like to know what dreams he DOES have for me - my purpose, if you will.
The hard part is, it's easy to get motivated for your own dreams but what if I'm not crazy about the dreams that God has for me? If I got clear directions I'd follow because my understanding is that if I'm doing what God wants me to then my heart will follow. I just wish I knew what those dreams were.
Another consequence of thinking all my dreams were doomed is that my life lacked joy and motivation - hard to get motivated when you think your efforts won't amount to anything. I'm really hoping this new vision of God and his dreams for me will turn this around. For me, a good day is one where I'm not depressed. My mood swings from down to normal. I honestly can't remember the last time my emotions passed the normal threshold into the happy or joyous zone. This is a stupid way to live and I know God has something better for me...I just wish he'd let me in on the surprise.
waiting to see...
As you can imagine, this idea didn't make for a very trusting relationship. Now I believe that God is a just God and that he has a plan for everyone. But how can I belive that God has a plan for me while also believing that he shoots down my dreams?
(enter epiphany)
The only reason God would keep my dreams from coming true is if they weren't the dreams that he had for me. In other words, the dreams that I had weren't in line with the plans that God has for me so he had to get rid of them.
I like this idea with one caveat - I liked my dreams. Even if they weren't coming true, it was nice to be able to hold them in my hands, nurture them, wish them into being. If they aren't the dreams that God wants for me, I'd like to know what dreams he DOES have for me - my purpose, if you will.
The hard part is, it's easy to get motivated for your own dreams but what if I'm not crazy about the dreams that God has for me? If I got clear directions I'd follow because my understanding is that if I'm doing what God wants me to then my heart will follow. I just wish I knew what those dreams were.
Another consequence of thinking all my dreams were doomed is that my life lacked joy and motivation - hard to get motivated when you think your efforts won't amount to anything. I'm really hoping this new vision of God and his dreams for me will turn this around. For me, a good day is one where I'm not depressed. My mood swings from down to normal. I honestly can't remember the last time my emotions passed the normal threshold into the happy or joyous zone. This is a stupid way to live and I know God has something better for me...I just wish he'd let me in on the surprise.
waiting to see...
Thursday, February 17, 2005
25. anybody got a recipe for kool ade?
I'm in the middle of a couple books right now. I'm almost done with a book called, _Stumbling Towards Faith_ by Renee Altson. It's about a woman who was sexually abused by her father - think you've heard this story before? well her father prayed that God would forgive her daughter for being sinful while he was raping her. On top of this, the teachers at the Christian school she was attending were told that Renee just wanted attention and were instructed to ignore her pleas for help. Everywhere she turned in the church she was turned away or given trite one-liners ("have more faith," "learn to forgive," "trust in the Lord).
It's a miracle that she never killed herself. It's even more of a miracle that she held on to her faith (fractured and fragile but still there). Her father drilled into her a sense of worthlessness and the idea that God could not love someone so dirty and sinful (while touching her). As you can imagine, her view of God is FAR from healthy. In fact, she cannot bear to think of God as father because for her, the word "father" equals pain and abuse and worthlessness.
This book should be required reading for anyone who ministers to young people - it calls into question a lot of the advice that we give out to young people who are going through difficult trials. It shows blanket statements and cliches for what they are - inadequate, lazy, and impersonal. It shows that faith does not have to be whole, it just has to believe.
I'll get back to why I mention this book later. Before that, I want to mention another book, _Killing The Buddha_ by Jeff Sharlet and Peter Manseau. I've only begun this book and it's unlike anything I've ever read in Christian literature. The subtitle of the book is, "A Heretic's Bible" because they take some of the books of the Bible, give them to various writers and tell them to write their take on it. Now this is no blow by blow summary. These writers do the opposite of what most theologians do. Instead of spending all their time on the bits that foreshadow the coming of Jesus, or the miracles, or coming up with three-point life-lessons on various stories, these writers tackle the bits that most commentaries (and sermons) ignore - the confusing parts, the unjust parts, the parts where God doesn't make sense. They go straight for those difficult sections and aren't afraid to call a spade a spade. Here's a bit from one writer's take on Genesis:
"In Genesis, your brother is never your keeper and your family is not the solid, sunny unit idealized by the religious right. Jacob betrays his brother, Esau, and his own father; Jacob's children include Joseph, whose brothers consider killing him and then simply leave him naked in a pit; Joseph then torments both them and Jacob, civility only reigning when they act as if they are all strangers. Abraham comes a hair's breadth away from sacrificing Isaac, his own son. Lot's daughters get him drunk in order to fool him into impregnating them incestuously."
This isn't the version you learned in Sunday school. Despite the seemingly irreverent treatment above, the author(s) and this book are sincerely trying to find God - God as he truly is, not as the church has presented him.
Anyway, I mention these two books because they both (in their own way) confirm something that I've been thinking lately: I've been following a counterfeit Jesus, minted by the church. Maybe that's too harsh. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that I've been following a sanitized version of God - a God who jumps through prayer hoops, a God who can be defined, a God subject to our ability to explain his actions. But that's bullshit, that's making God in our image.
So then, from here on out, I'm going to try my best to come at the Bible anew - as if I've never read it before, as if I'd never heard the sanitized, church-version of the Bible. I want to see these storie for what they are, take them at face value and then ascribe my own meanings to them.
Unfortunately, this is the kind of thinking that births cults, but between my band and the "Old-Man's-Bible-Study" group, I think I'm safe. However, if I invite you to join my commune, please get a couple people together and perform an intervention ASAP. And if I offer you Kool Ade, run.
In a way, this is an extension of my previous blog entry titled, "it seems a million miles away..." In that blog I wrote about how I realized for the first time that God is God and can do whatever he wants - and he does. This was a revelation because I never heard this idea in church. I think it's because there's no room in the church for a God who doesn't make sense - a God we can't explain. But ask any Christian author who's tried to answer the question, "why do bad things happen to good people?" and they'll tell you that there are no easy answers (the usually admit as much in their introductions). See, the thing is, God does make sense. God makes sense to God. God doesn't always make sense to man.
Both the books I mentioned come at God on God's terms, not the church's terms. If there are things about God they don't understand, they don't resort to pretzel logic to explain it away, they simply say, "we don't understand." And they believe anyway. That's the kind of faith I want to have - that's a God that I want to worship and serve.
Okay, I've written enough (too much) already and I've got to work tomorrow.
...to be continued...someday...
God bless,
randall
It's a miracle that she never killed herself. It's even more of a miracle that she held on to her faith (fractured and fragile but still there). Her father drilled into her a sense of worthlessness and the idea that God could not love someone so dirty and sinful (while touching her). As you can imagine, her view of God is FAR from healthy. In fact, she cannot bear to think of God as father because for her, the word "father" equals pain and abuse and worthlessness.
This book should be required reading for anyone who ministers to young people - it calls into question a lot of the advice that we give out to young people who are going through difficult trials. It shows blanket statements and cliches for what they are - inadequate, lazy, and impersonal. It shows that faith does not have to be whole, it just has to believe.
I'll get back to why I mention this book later. Before that, I want to mention another book, _Killing The Buddha_ by Jeff Sharlet and Peter Manseau. I've only begun this book and it's unlike anything I've ever read in Christian literature. The subtitle of the book is, "A Heretic's Bible" because they take some of the books of the Bible, give them to various writers and tell them to write their take on it. Now this is no blow by blow summary. These writers do the opposite of what most theologians do. Instead of spending all their time on the bits that foreshadow the coming of Jesus, or the miracles, or coming up with three-point life-lessons on various stories, these writers tackle the bits that most commentaries (and sermons) ignore - the confusing parts, the unjust parts, the parts where God doesn't make sense. They go straight for those difficult sections and aren't afraid to call a spade a spade. Here's a bit from one writer's take on Genesis:
"In Genesis, your brother is never your keeper and your family is not the solid, sunny unit idealized by the religious right. Jacob betrays his brother, Esau, and his own father; Jacob's children include Joseph, whose brothers consider killing him and then simply leave him naked in a pit; Joseph then torments both them and Jacob, civility only reigning when they act as if they are all strangers. Abraham comes a hair's breadth away from sacrificing Isaac, his own son. Lot's daughters get him drunk in order to fool him into impregnating them incestuously."
This isn't the version you learned in Sunday school. Despite the seemingly irreverent treatment above, the author(s) and this book are sincerely trying to find God - God as he truly is, not as the church has presented him.
Anyway, I mention these two books because they both (in their own way) confirm something that I've been thinking lately: I've been following a counterfeit Jesus, minted by the church. Maybe that's too harsh. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that I've been following a sanitized version of God - a God who jumps through prayer hoops, a God who can be defined, a God subject to our ability to explain his actions. But that's bullshit, that's making God in our image.
So then, from here on out, I'm going to try my best to come at the Bible anew - as if I've never read it before, as if I'd never heard the sanitized, church-version of the Bible. I want to see these storie for what they are, take them at face value and then ascribe my own meanings to them.
Unfortunately, this is the kind of thinking that births cults, but between my band and the "Old-Man's-Bible-Study" group, I think I'm safe. However, if I invite you to join my commune, please get a couple people together and perform an intervention ASAP. And if I offer you Kool Ade, run.
In a way, this is an extension of my previous blog entry titled, "it seems a million miles away..." In that blog I wrote about how I realized for the first time that God is God and can do whatever he wants - and he does. This was a revelation because I never heard this idea in church. I think it's because there's no room in the church for a God who doesn't make sense - a God we can't explain. But ask any Christian author who's tried to answer the question, "why do bad things happen to good people?" and they'll tell you that there are no easy answers (the usually admit as much in their introductions). See, the thing is, God does make sense. God makes sense to God. God doesn't always make sense to man.
Both the books I mentioned come at God on God's terms, not the church's terms. If there are things about God they don't understand, they don't resort to pretzel logic to explain it away, they simply say, "we don't understand." And they believe anyway. That's the kind of faith I want to have - that's a God that I want to worship and serve.
Okay, I've written enough (too much) already and I've got to work tomorrow.
...to be continued...someday...
God bless,
randall
Thursday, January 06, 2005
24. it seems a million miles away but it gets a little closer everyday
It's happening. The shell is chipping away, bit by bit, piece by peace, the soft, fleshy inside is making it's way out into the deep, dark, beautiful world with all of it's danger and adventure.
Epiphany .1
I've come to understand that God is God and I am not. What I mean is, for the longest time I held a kind of grudge against God, thinking that he had done me wrong in various situations close to my heart. God was Lucy and I was Charlie Brown, flat on my back wondering why I let God talk me into trying to kick the football again. Without going into too much detail, there were a couple of key times in my life where I really felt God was urging me towards a course of action that seemed too wonderful to be true - so wonderful that I didn't want to believe it but the signs seemed unmistakable so I ran with it but just as I was about to kick the ball between the goal posts, it was snatched away from me and all that built up momentum had nowhere to go so it dropped me flat on my ass. And all I could do was wonder why God would do such a thing.
Anyway, epiphany number one has to do with the realization that God is God and I am not. I don't understand his ways but by faith, I have to believe that God is a just god and that he loves me, despite what seems like evidence to the contrary. On top of that, even if God did lead me on and left me hanging, that's his right because he is God and I am not. On top of that, even if he did those things on purpose because that was his right, he is still worthy of all the praise and honor that my body can bring - becaue he is God and I am not.
I suppose one could read that phrase, "God is God and I am not," as a kind of hopeless resignation or a kind of mocking defiance. I just state it as a simple fact to be taken at face value. It's a statement, like saying one plus one equals two. That's just how it is. God is God and I am not.
Epiphany .2
There used to be a time when I thought that the girl of my dreams was just around the corner. There were times when she seemed so very close that I could reach out and run my fingers through her imaginary hair. (see the blog entry "ready or not" to read excerpts from some of my old journals from this time) But despite how close she seemed, she never materialized. The feeling would pass and all that was left was this gaping void that I had cleared away for her. And it would hurt and I would feel silly for thinking that the feeling was anything more than my imagination working overtime and without even noticing it, another layer was added to the shell around my heart.
Epiphany number two is the thought that maybe it wasn't a woman I should have been anticipating. Maybe that feeling of being so close to something I've always wanted wasn't my longing to meet my soulmate, rather it was my longing to encounter God. But I missed out because instead of looking for God, I was looking for her. She wasn't there to be found but maybe God was and I missed out because I was looking the wrong way.
I won't make this mistake again. There have been moments, brief but unmistakable, where I've felt that sense of anticipation again. But I know what this is now. It isn't my soulmate who's around the corner, it's God. Or maybe it's something else. I won't guess as to what this feeling of expectation is leading me towards - I'll just follow and wait and see.
Two epiphanies. They haven't changed me overnight but they certainly are helping to erode away the walls around my heart - yes, "erode," is the right word because it's a slow process but it's also a relenteless process. It looks harmless enought but carved the Grand Canyon out of the ground.
I used to be a happy, go lucky kind of guy. That seems a million miles away from where I am now but it gets a little closer everyday.
Epiphany .1
I've come to understand that God is God and I am not. What I mean is, for the longest time I held a kind of grudge against God, thinking that he had done me wrong in various situations close to my heart. God was Lucy and I was Charlie Brown, flat on my back wondering why I let God talk me into trying to kick the football again. Without going into too much detail, there were a couple of key times in my life where I really felt God was urging me towards a course of action that seemed too wonderful to be true - so wonderful that I didn't want to believe it but the signs seemed unmistakable so I ran with it but just as I was about to kick the ball between the goal posts, it was snatched away from me and all that built up momentum had nowhere to go so it dropped me flat on my ass. And all I could do was wonder why God would do such a thing.
Anyway, epiphany number one has to do with the realization that God is God and I am not. I don't understand his ways but by faith, I have to believe that God is a just god and that he loves me, despite what seems like evidence to the contrary. On top of that, even if God did lead me on and left me hanging, that's his right because he is God and I am not. On top of that, even if he did those things on purpose because that was his right, he is still worthy of all the praise and honor that my body can bring - becaue he is God and I am not.
I suppose one could read that phrase, "God is God and I am not," as a kind of hopeless resignation or a kind of mocking defiance. I just state it as a simple fact to be taken at face value. It's a statement, like saying one plus one equals two. That's just how it is. God is God and I am not.
Epiphany .2
There used to be a time when I thought that the girl of my dreams was just around the corner. There were times when she seemed so very close that I could reach out and run my fingers through her imaginary hair. (see the blog entry "ready or not" to read excerpts from some of my old journals from this time) But despite how close she seemed, she never materialized. The feeling would pass and all that was left was this gaping void that I had cleared away for her. And it would hurt and I would feel silly for thinking that the feeling was anything more than my imagination working overtime and without even noticing it, another layer was added to the shell around my heart.
Epiphany number two is the thought that maybe it wasn't a woman I should have been anticipating. Maybe that feeling of being so close to something I've always wanted wasn't my longing to meet my soulmate, rather it was my longing to encounter God. But I missed out because instead of looking for God, I was looking for her. She wasn't there to be found but maybe God was and I missed out because I was looking the wrong way.
I won't make this mistake again. There have been moments, brief but unmistakable, where I've felt that sense of anticipation again. But I know what this is now. It isn't my soulmate who's around the corner, it's God. Or maybe it's something else. I won't guess as to what this feeling of expectation is leading me towards - I'll just follow and wait and see.
Two epiphanies. They haven't changed me overnight but they certainly are helping to erode away the walls around my heart - yes, "erode," is the right word because it's a slow process but it's also a relenteless process. It looks harmless enought but carved the Grand Canyon out of the ground.
I used to be a happy, go lucky kind of guy. That seems a million miles away from where I am now but it gets a little closer everyday.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
23. the egg and the butterfly
So inside still wants out but instead of waiting for the shell to burst it's going to have to wait for the pieces to chip and break away. Bit by bit and piece by piece, brick by brick, chips and fragments. I'd rather the whole be blown apart but I think of an egg. I can't remember why but I remember reading somewhere that you can't help a chick out of its shell - it needs to struggle and make it's own way out. In the same way, a butterfly cannot be helped out of its cocoon. There's some kind of coating that gets deposited on it's wings in the struggle to get out and if some outside force (like some well-meaning third grader) tries to help the butterfly by breaking the cocoon, it won't be able to fly.
Inside wants out but there's something to be learned in the struggle to emerge. God could intervene but he wants me to fly and so he waits and watches me struggle.
Bit by bit, crack by crack...and one day...
I'll take to the air and never look back.
Inside wants out but there's something to be learned in the struggle to emerge. God could intervene but he wants me to fly and so he waits and watches me struggle.
Bit by bit, crack by crack...and one day...
I'll take to the air and never look back.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
22. Inside Wants Out
Inside wants out but it doesn't know how
inside wants out but it can not find a way
inside wants out to turn the world around
inside wants out so bad it can not breathe
inside wants out but it can not find a way
inside wants out to turn the world around
inside wants out so bad it can not breathe
Sunday, December 05, 2004
21. hallelujah...
Well it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
- Leonard Cohen via Jeff Buckley
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
- Leonard Cohen via Jeff Buckley
Thursday, November 25, 2004
20. geode...actually nodule
What the hell are you talking about, Randall?
Well a geode is a rock that looks like a rock but when you break it open there are crystals lining the interior. A nodule is somewhat like a geode but whereas a geode is hollow on the inside, a nodule is solid crystal (or crystaline material) inside. Impressed? Don't be, I just stole that info from some website.
So...um...what the hell are you talking about, Randall?
Well for the past few weeks (months, years) I've been writing the kind of drab, pity-party crap that fills my blog thing here. I had always thought that I had lost the ability to hope, to dream, to love. But after an interesting conversation with the talented Rocky Green, I realized that I didn't lose those things, they're still with me - it's just that all that good stuff has been hidden, trapped beneath this hard shell. It's like I'm one of those nodules, just waiting to be split open. There's all this beauty and goodness that wants to get out but the crust is thick and gross.
To me, that's a comforting thought. I used to think that I had lost my ability to be vulnerable, open, hopefull even. But it's not lost, it's just trapped in this shell. The good news is fissures are beginning to open up and every once in a while I catch glimpses of the old me. It wants to get out but fact is, I can't make it happen (well, maybe I could but I can't afford the therapy). This requires an act of God but it's begun. I get weepy at freaking Fannie May commercials - that's how bad the inside wants out. It's beginning but I'm not going to force it. One of these days, God's going to break me wide open and it's going to hurt like a mutha-fucker but it will also heal and renew.
Wait and seek.
Well a geode is a rock that looks like a rock but when you break it open there are crystals lining the interior. A nodule is somewhat like a geode but whereas a geode is hollow on the inside, a nodule is solid crystal (or crystaline material) inside. Impressed? Don't be, I just stole that info from some website.
So...um...what the hell are you talking about, Randall?
Well for the past few weeks (months, years) I've been writing the kind of drab, pity-party crap that fills my blog thing here. I had always thought that I had lost the ability to hope, to dream, to love. But after an interesting conversation with the talented Rocky Green, I realized that I didn't lose those things, they're still with me - it's just that all that good stuff has been hidden, trapped beneath this hard shell. It's like I'm one of those nodules, just waiting to be split open. There's all this beauty and goodness that wants to get out but the crust is thick and gross.
To me, that's a comforting thought. I used to think that I had lost my ability to be vulnerable, open, hopefull even. But it's not lost, it's just trapped in this shell. The good news is fissures are beginning to open up and every once in a while I catch glimpses of the old me. It wants to get out but fact is, I can't make it happen (well, maybe I could but I can't afford the therapy). This requires an act of God but it's begun. I get weepy at freaking Fannie May commercials - that's how bad the inside wants out. It's beginning but I'm not going to force it. One of these days, God's going to break me wide open and it's going to hurt like a mutha-fucker but it will also heal and renew.
Wait and seek.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
19. love=science fiction
The thought that person A could so give him/herself to person B in an unselfish way for no other reason than to make person B happy is understandable. That's the story of my (love) life. The thought that person A could give him/herself to person B, who simultaneously gives of him/herself back to person A seems like so much science fiction to me - plausable perhaps but not anywhere in the near future.
Friday, November 12, 2004
18. ready or not
I remember when I graduated from high school. I thought I was all ready to find the girl of my dreams and we'd date and everything would be amazing. I would sweep her off her feet and she'd be so impressed with my sweetness and my intelligence and my originality and her belief in me would strengthen and inspire me to greatness and we would be unstopable. I thought I was so ready for that relationship. But then something changed, probably somewhere around the mid to late 20s. The older I got and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was no where near ready for a relationship.
Why not? Well there are the physical and fiscal things - I still live at home, I have a steady job but it doesn't pay well (although if I wanted to and if I knew I was staying in Hawaii I could probably get promoted), I don't have a savings account and my checking account balance is laughable. But the more important reasons why I'm not ready are emotional/spiritual. In those areas I don't have issues, I have a subscription (yuk, yuk, yuk).
See but it's kind of a catch 22 thing - I've become this wreck because I got tired of waiting and looking and waiting and looking. I used to be a full blown, nut case romantic. Here's a sample of some of the crazy shit I used to write in my journal:
"8/19/97
She turns her head away and smiles. The smile breaks out into laughter that escalates to the point where the laugh is actually laughing her. She pauses for a second, opens her eyes, looks at me and begins laughing again - this time with her hand trying to cover her mouth. The laughter goes into overdrive and her shoulders start to convulse up and down. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen - not the laughter but her, laughing."
"9/5/97
Strikingly beautiful, that's the way to describe it - her presence. Not a beauty that wafts at you from across the room like a deep blue perfume, but one that slaps you in the face reminding you that you're alive and in dire need of some aesthetic in your crude singular life.
Fate and luck and a foolhardy courage later, you are together. Both unbelieving, both grateful for this little shelter from the world; a little island of understanding and trust. She is steady and you are shelter. She is warmth and you are cool."
"12/30/97
She's close. She's so close I can almost reach out in front of me and run my fingers through her lovely short hair. I can almost feel the way she tilts her head, pressing into my palm. My small finger bends itself around the curve of her ear and I trace the line of her chin and she...
And she's so close."
And I while looking through my old journals I ran across this one. I don't remember writing it but the specificity scares me:
"6/11/96
Where do you end and where do I begin? What spaces are ours and which are our own? Drawers and shelves are sectioned off but what of our inner places? Like the decision to buy the Subaru and the choice of chicken over stew."
Motivational speakers talk about the need to visualize the things you want. There was a time when I had no problem doing that. It took a while for me to find those entries because I didn't think they were that old. Those were written over five years ago. It's been longer than I thought since I stopped writing like that. If I let myself, could I do so again? I don't know but I dobut it.
There was a time when I thought she was just around the corner. I haven't felt that sense of anticipation in a long, long time. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life," (Proverbs 13:12). Word up, I hear that. I think about that conversation between Red and Andy in the movie Shawshank Redemption where they're talking about hope. Andy (Tim Robbins) sees hope as the thing that keeps him going - Red (Morgan Freeman) calls hope "a dangerous thing." When I wrote those journal entries I was with Andy but now I'm with Red. Hope deferred has made my heart sick.
God is immaterial, other, spirit. He is here now as I type but at the same time I have no physical acces to him. I have a theory (and if I spent the time, I'm pretty sure I could find the scripture to back this up) and it goes like this. When Jesus talks about the church being the Body of Christ, what he means is that other Christians make up the part of Christ that is accessible to us. Because what is the church? It's not the building, it's the people inside. That's the church and if those people make up the Body of Christ, then I can communicate with God by talking to them (not perfectly, because we are all fallen representations). By extension, I learn about love through being loved by them.
If this theory holds up, then perhaps the reason I don't know how to love God (or how to experience God's love) because the only love I know is a kind of polite, surface, social love. I mean I have some amazing friends but even with them, the love between us is of a social, brotherly sort not the two-become-one, eros kind of love. And so that's the only kind of love I understand from God.
I don't know. I didn't get much sleep last night and my allergies have been acting up and the Allegra I took this morning is still giving me a bit of a buzz. Maybe thats why I can write this much. Maybe I'll look at this tomorrow and it will read like an alien abduction. I don't know. See how hard it is for me to write about love these days?
Am I ready? Is anyone ever ready?
I don't know.
Why not? Well there are the physical and fiscal things - I still live at home, I have a steady job but it doesn't pay well (although if I wanted to and if I knew I was staying in Hawaii I could probably get promoted), I don't have a savings account and my checking account balance is laughable. But the more important reasons why I'm not ready are emotional/spiritual. In those areas I don't have issues, I have a subscription (yuk, yuk, yuk).
See but it's kind of a catch 22 thing - I've become this wreck because I got tired of waiting and looking and waiting and looking. I used to be a full blown, nut case romantic. Here's a sample of some of the crazy shit I used to write in my journal:
"8/19/97
She turns her head away and smiles. The smile breaks out into laughter that escalates to the point where the laugh is actually laughing her. She pauses for a second, opens her eyes, looks at me and begins laughing again - this time with her hand trying to cover her mouth. The laughter goes into overdrive and her shoulders start to convulse up and down. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen - not the laughter but her, laughing."
"9/5/97
Strikingly beautiful, that's the way to describe it - her presence. Not a beauty that wafts at you from across the room like a deep blue perfume, but one that slaps you in the face reminding you that you're alive and in dire need of some aesthetic in your crude singular life.
Fate and luck and a foolhardy courage later, you are together. Both unbelieving, both grateful for this little shelter from the world; a little island of understanding and trust. She is steady and you are shelter. She is warmth and you are cool."
"12/30/97
She's close. She's so close I can almost reach out in front of me and run my fingers through her lovely short hair. I can almost feel the way she tilts her head, pressing into my palm. My small finger bends itself around the curve of her ear and I trace the line of her chin and she...
And she's so close."
And I while looking through my old journals I ran across this one. I don't remember writing it but the specificity scares me:
"6/11/96
Where do you end and where do I begin? What spaces are ours and which are our own? Drawers and shelves are sectioned off but what of our inner places? Like the decision to buy the Subaru and the choice of chicken over stew."
Motivational speakers talk about the need to visualize the things you want. There was a time when I had no problem doing that. It took a while for me to find those entries because I didn't think they were that old. Those were written over five years ago. It's been longer than I thought since I stopped writing like that. If I let myself, could I do so again? I don't know but I dobut it.
There was a time when I thought she was just around the corner. I haven't felt that sense of anticipation in a long, long time. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life," (Proverbs 13:12). Word up, I hear that. I think about that conversation between Red and Andy in the movie Shawshank Redemption where they're talking about hope. Andy (Tim Robbins) sees hope as the thing that keeps him going - Red (Morgan Freeman) calls hope "a dangerous thing." When I wrote those journal entries I was with Andy but now I'm with Red. Hope deferred has made my heart sick.
God is immaterial, other, spirit. He is here now as I type but at the same time I have no physical acces to him. I have a theory (and if I spent the time, I'm pretty sure I could find the scripture to back this up) and it goes like this. When Jesus talks about the church being the Body of Christ, what he means is that other Christians make up the part of Christ that is accessible to us. Because what is the church? It's not the building, it's the people inside. That's the church and if those people make up the Body of Christ, then I can communicate with God by talking to them (not perfectly, because we are all fallen representations). By extension, I learn about love through being loved by them.
If this theory holds up, then perhaps the reason I don't know how to love God (or how to experience God's love) because the only love I know is a kind of polite, surface, social love. I mean I have some amazing friends but even with them, the love between us is of a social, brotherly sort not the two-become-one, eros kind of love. And so that's the only kind of love I understand from God.
I don't know. I didn't get much sleep last night and my allergies have been acting up and the Allegra I took this morning is still giving me a bit of a buzz. Maybe thats why I can write this much. Maybe I'll look at this tomorrow and it will read like an alien abduction. I don't know. See how hard it is for me to write about love these days?
Am I ready? Is anyone ever ready?
I don't know.
Monday, November 08, 2004
17. unloved
A good friend of mine asked me recently if I had ever felt loved. I have to admit the question stopped me cold and has been haunting me this whole week. It's hard to understand and I can't explain but it seems such an arrogant thing to say that I have not. Even now as I write the words it seems a sorry thing to say because I don't want pity or consolation or even undue attention because of it. But it's more than that - I have a good life: I live at home and my parents leave me alone, they've given me a lot of what I've ever asked for and I don't mind admitting that they've spoiled me, I have a car, I play in a cool band, I have a college degree that my parents paid for...in short, I've got all the stuff I need. How can I say that I've never felt loved?
But love isn't about stuff. I guess giving me things is how my parents express their love for me - I know they've tried to give me all the opportunities that they never had - but (and I'm sorry to say this) it never felt like love to me. Saying that makes me feel like a greedy, ungrateful bastard, and I suppose that's true. And I suppose that's also why it's so hard to admit.
What about God? Now that I think about it, the way I've tried to love God was to try and give him stuff. By extension, the love I expected from God was to get stuff. But that's not how love works, it's not what love is. As I understand it, love is a kind of unselfish generosity that seeks out the best for the one loved - a generosity that is not a transaction (a trade, an exchange) but rather an unselfish kind of giving that expects nothing in return except the joy of the other.
Anyway, if I can discipline myself (and don't run out of balls), I'll be tring to flesh out these ideas here.
But love isn't about stuff. I guess giving me things is how my parents express their love for me - I know they've tried to give me all the opportunities that they never had - but (and I'm sorry to say this) it never felt like love to me. Saying that makes me feel like a greedy, ungrateful bastard, and I suppose that's true. And I suppose that's also why it's so hard to admit.
What about God? Now that I think about it, the way I've tried to love God was to try and give him stuff. By extension, the love I expected from God was to get stuff. But that's not how love works, it's not what love is. As I understand it, love is a kind of unselfish generosity that seeks out the best for the one loved - a generosity that is not a transaction (a trade, an exchange) but rather an unselfish kind of giving that expects nothing in return except the joy of the other.
Anyway, if I can discipline myself (and don't run out of balls), I'll be tring to flesh out these ideas here.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
16. don't believe the HYPE! (draft rumors)
Have you heard rumors of a draft bill secretly making its way through congress? Have you read stories like this one which seem to suggest that George Bush has a covert plan to reinstate the draft once re-elected?
Well, to put it bluntly (because the news media ain't doing it) it's complete bullshit. Not the bill, the bill is real but what news stories like the one above DON'T tell you is that the bill was authored by New York Democrat, Charles B. Rangel.
Think that's all? Turns out the bill was defeated on October 5th by an almost unanimous 402 to 2 vote. Rangel didn't even vote for his own bill and the two that did vote yes were also Democrats.
Think that puts the rumors to rest? Nope. In covering the story, Reuters covers the story by saying that, "House Democrats accused Republicans of a dirty election-year trick". WTF!! They're the ones who authored the bill, they're the only ones who voted for the bill and it's the Republicans who are playing dirty politics?
All this to say that if you hear someone bring up the issue of the draft, hit them with these facts (facts that the mainstream news media aren't covering).
Well, to put it bluntly (because the news media ain't doing it) it's complete bullshit. Not the bill, the bill is real but what news stories like the one above DON'T tell you is that the bill was authored by New York Democrat, Charles B. Rangel.
Think that's all? Turns out the bill was defeated on October 5th by an almost unanimous 402 to 2 vote. Rangel didn't even vote for his own bill and the two that did vote yes were also Democrats.
Think that puts the rumors to rest? Nope. In covering the story, Reuters covers the story by saying that, "House Democrats accused Republicans of a dirty election-year trick". WTF!! They're the ones who authored the bill, they're the only ones who voted for the bill and it's the Republicans who are playing dirty politics?
All this to say that if you hear someone bring up the issue of the draft, hit them with these facts (facts that the mainstream news media aren't covering).
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
15. ranting again...(about the news)
So I was in line at Foodland buying milk, coffee, and Ararare (not to be consumed at the same time) last night and I see one of the local papers with a big front page headline reading something like, "Father of Killed Soldier Says Bush to Blame." Now first of all, let me say that my heart goes out to that guy - sons should bury fathers, not the other way around. It's a stupid turn of events, it should never happen, but it did. I don't have a problem with the father saying that. However....
I do have a problem with the newspaper (can't remember which one) highlighting this obvious anti-Bush story while ignoring all of the positive things that are taking place in the Middle East. Afghanastan just had their first election and there was a woman on the ballot for a prominant position. Did we hear anything other than a whisper of acknowledgement for what should have been a front page banner story? This is a country that was under the stranglehold of the Taliban just three short years ago - a society where women were not allowed to speak, let alone vote, let alone make it onto the ballot! Women's rights violations was a contradiction during that time because women had no rights. Even the men had it bad - voice an opinion that was perceived to be out of line with the clerics and torture and death could be possible consiquences. No free speech, no free press and they held their first election. Where was the coverage?
Could it be that highlighting good news in the Middle East would bolster the record of the president and lessen the chances of Kerry getting into office and thus such news gets repressed? Am I a conspiracy buff? Well riddle me this - how is it that Dan Rather airs a news story based on forged documents (a story critical of Bush) and when he gets called on it, the way the incident is reported is as a critique of the influence of conservative websites on the political landscape. HELLO! The real story is that a MAJOR network NEWS anchor did not do his job! Any first year journalism major will tell you the importance of checking sources. Dan Rather's story belonged on the front page of the National Enquirer, not as a story on the CBS Evening News!
All I want is an equal playing field. I want my news to shoot straight. I want both sides of any story but that's not what we have. All the major networks lean left (if not way left). Proof? When's the last time you heard a story critical of the pro-choice movement? What kind of view do you have of the pro-life movement, based on coverage in the media?
Second example - Fox News. Many people in the news media scoff at Fox News, saying that it's just a platform for the Republican party - they call it a conservative news network. That's bunk. You want to see a conservative news program? Watch the 700 Club. If Fox News appears conservative it's only because they treat news stories with an even hand.
This kind of stuff gets me nuts. I wish I could just ignore it but it's ubiquitous, even in when I'm just trying to buy some milk at Foodland! I'm not asking for conservative news. I'm asking for fair, honest news. That's all.
That's all.
I do have a problem with the newspaper (can't remember which one) highlighting this obvious anti-Bush story while ignoring all of the positive things that are taking place in the Middle East. Afghanastan just had their first election and there was a woman on the ballot for a prominant position. Did we hear anything other than a whisper of acknowledgement for what should have been a front page banner story? This is a country that was under the stranglehold of the Taliban just three short years ago - a society where women were not allowed to speak, let alone vote, let alone make it onto the ballot! Women's rights violations was a contradiction during that time because women had no rights. Even the men had it bad - voice an opinion that was perceived to be out of line with the clerics and torture and death could be possible consiquences. No free speech, no free press and they held their first election. Where was the coverage?
Could it be that highlighting good news in the Middle East would bolster the record of the president and lessen the chances of Kerry getting into office and thus such news gets repressed? Am I a conspiracy buff? Well riddle me this - how is it that Dan Rather airs a news story based on forged documents (a story critical of Bush) and when he gets called on it, the way the incident is reported is as a critique of the influence of conservative websites on the political landscape. HELLO! The real story is that a MAJOR network NEWS anchor did not do his job! Any first year journalism major will tell you the importance of checking sources. Dan Rather's story belonged on the front page of the National Enquirer, not as a story on the CBS Evening News!
All I want is an equal playing field. I want my news to shoot straight. I want both sides of any story but that's not what we have. All the major networks lean left (if not way left). Proof? When's the last time you heard a story critical of the pro-choice movement? What kind of view do you have of the pro-life movement, based on coverage in the media?
Second example - Fox News. Many people in the news media scoff at Fox News, saying that it's just a platform for the Republican party - they call it a conservative news network. That's bunk. You want to see a conservative news program? Watch the 700 Club. If Fox News appears conservative it's only because they treat news stories with an even hand.
This kind of stuff gets me nuts. I wish I could just ignore it but it's ubiquitous, even in when I'm just trying to buy some milk at Foodland! I'm not asking for conservative news. I'm asking for fair, honest news. That's all.
That's all.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
14. church and women
So I haven't been writing as much lately. Partly it's because I got tired of writing all that negative, pissamistic (my new word) stuff, but also because I've just been in a (slightly) better mood lately and it's harder for me to write whem I'm feeling okay.
I was talking to a good friend of mine (yeah you, Willie B) and he was freaking out because he didn't know how to handle things going well in his life. As for myself, I'm not feeling euphoric or anything like that. I'd say my emotions are par for the course right now - not great, not junk, just kinda chill. That kind of mood doesn't invite a lot of writing.
Oh, but here's some news. I quite my church this week (Olivet Baptist). Well, to be more accurate, I quit the worship team which was the only thing keeping me at the church, thus I quit my church. So now begins the long, tedious process of finding a new church. This is almost as bad as trying to find a date...and now that I think about it, the things I'm looking for in a church are very similar to things I'm looking for in a woman. For example:
smart and funny/relevant: After being a Christian, smart and funny are the two most important things I'm looking for in a woman. By smart, I mean someone who sees the world as it is - good, bad, and fugly. Someone who's smart enough to know she doesn't have all the answers (open-minded is probably the third on my list) - someone who likes to ask questions. As for being funny, if they're smart in the way I just described, they will be hella funny
I also want my church to be smart in the same way. A church that sees the world as it is - there are good things and there are bad things and then there are the Democrats (sorry, couldn't resist) and a church should be hip to all of it. So many churches see the world only one way - all bad or all good. The world is both. I also want a church that will admit it doesn't have all the answers. God has all the answers, churches do not but some pastors preach as if they do.
Oka, that's all for now. More than I thought I was going to write...maybe I'll continue on this search for woman/church comparison but I'm pooped. I'm going to sleep now. Hope you had a good day.
randall
I was talking to a good friend of mine (yeah you, Willie B) and he was freaking out because he didn't know how to handle things going well in his life. As for myself, I'm not feeling euphoric or anything like that. I'd say my emotions are par for the course right now - not great, not junk, just kinda chill. That kind of mood doesn't invite a lot of writing.
Oh, but here's some news. I quite my church this week (Olivet Baptist). Well, to be more accurate, I quit the worship team which was the only thing keeping me at the church, thus I quit my church. So now begins the long, tedious process of finding a new church. This is almost as bad as trying to find a date...and now that I think about it, the things I'm looking for in a church are very similar to things I'm looking for in a woman. For example:
smart and funny/relevant: After being a Christian, smart and funny are the two most important things I'm looking for in a woman. By smart, I mean someone who sees the world as it is - good, bad, and fugly. Someone who's smart enough to know she doesn't have all the answers (open-minded is probably the third on my list) - someone who likes to ask questions. As for being funny, if they're smart in the way I just described, they will be hella funny
I also want my church to be smart in the same way. A church that sees the world as it is - there are good things and there are bad things and then there are the Democrats (sorry, couldn't resist) and a church should be hip to all of it. So many churches see the world only one way - all bad or all good. The world is both. I also want a church that will admit it doesn't have all the answers. God has all the answers, churches do not but some pastors preach as if they do.
Oka, that's all for now. More than I thought I was going to write...maybe I'll continue on this search for woman/church comparison but I'm pooped. I'm going to sleep now. Hope you had a good day.
randall
Thursday, October 14, 2004
13. Punk'd, God style
I'm thinking about that movie, Deep Blue Sea (I think that was the title) - the movie with the smart sharks (ugh). Overall a pretty lame movie but it did have that one scene where Samuel L. Jackson gets chomped...now I like Jackson but I love how just as you're settling into the here-comes-the-inspirational-speech mode they WHAM! drop the bomb on you! That was great.
Anyway, I'm thinking about my life lately and I start to think about how at some point in the movie the main characters realize that the sharks have been systematically flooding strategic parts of the underwater lab in order to drive them to where they want them (now that's a stupid idea because it's not like the sharks had internet access and could download the architectural plans of the lab, you know?). And I'm thinking about how Yancy has been writing that God uses all things, even silence and frustration and loneliness, to teach us something or to bring something out of us or (and here's where the movie analogy sinks in, no pun intended) to drive us somewhere. The sharks driving the people through the lab and God driving the Isrealites through the wilderness are the same. We may not realize that we're being guided somewhere until we get there.
Now the Isrealites kind of knew they were going to the promised land but all the scientists knew was that they wanted to get the hell out of the lab and they kept running into obstacles that foiled their nice, tidy plans. They were frustrated time and time again and at the time they thought it was just bad luck but it turned out to be the sharks plotting against them (yeah, right).
Fortunately for me, God is using these frustrating dead ends in my life to guide me to something...well, I have no idea what except that it's better than where I was before. If I believe in God and the way he's described in the Bible then I have to come to that conclusion. I mean the the only alternative is that he's driving me out into the open so he can eat me, but I don't think God is a shark...or a landshark for that matter. I suppose there's a third option - that God isn't real and that I've just had really shitty luck in life but I'm well past the point of doubting God's existance and I've never seen God described as a shark in the Bible so I'm sticking to my first theory.
Hmm...for the first time in a LONG time, I'm beginning to see God as something other than some cosmic grandfather who likes to play shooting gallery with my dreams (I really do have that image of him sometimes). The wilderness is stupid and I haven't suffered these trials gracefully - I've been bitching and moaning all the way like the Isrealites did. I sought out and worshped some golden calfs along the way because they were more tangible, more tactile, more readily at hand and I've had to drink the bitter cup as a consequence. But unlike the Isrealites who wised up, I blamed God for the cup as well. I'm stupid and I'm sorry.
I don't know where God's taking me. I can't see around the bend. I dont know how much longer I've got to circle the promised land but I've been reminded tonight that there is something out there. It's going to put a big smile on my soul and I know there are angels waiting and watching like Ashton Kutcher hidden cameras. Yeah, that's right. God is Punking me and one day he's going to come out and say, boy did you look stupid going through all that. And we're just going to laugh and laugh and laugh...
Any time now, Lord. Joke's getting kinda old...
Anyway, I'm thinking about my life lately and I start to think about how at some point in the movie the main characters realize that the sharks have been systematically flooding strategic parts of the underwater lab in order to drive them to where they want them (now that's a stupid idea because it's not like the sharks had internet access and could download the architectural plans of the lab, you know?). And I'm thinking about how Yancy has been writing that God uses all things, even silence and frustration and loneliness, to teach us something or to bring something out of us or (and here's where the movie analogy sinks in, no pun intended) to drive us somewhere. The sharks driving the people through the lab and God driving the Isrealites through the wilderness are the same. We may not realize that we're being guided somewhere until we get there.
Now the Isrealites kind of knew they were going to the promised land but all the scientists knew was that they wanted to get the hell out of the lab and they kept running into obstacles that foiled their nice, tidy plans. They were frustrated time and time again and at the time they thought it was just bad luck but it turned out to be the sharks plotting against them (yeah, right).
Fortunately for me, God is using these frustrating dead ends in my life to guide me to something...well, I have no idea what except that it's better than where I was before. If I believe in God and the way he's described in the Bible then I have to come to that conclusion. I mean the the only alternative is that he's driving me out into the open so he can eat me, but I don't think God is a shark...or a landshark for that matter. I suppose there's a third option - that God isn't real and that I've just had really shitty luck in life but I'm well past the point of doubting God's existance and I've never seen God described as a shark in the Bible so I'm sticking to my first theory.
Hmm...for the first time in a LONG time, I'm beginning to see God as something other than some cosmic grandfather who likes to play shooting gallery with my dreams (I really do have that image of him sometimes). The wilderness is stupid and I haven't suffered these trials gracefully - I've been bitching and moaning all the way like the Isrealites did. I sought out and worshped some golden calfs along the way because they were more tangible, more tactile, more readily at hand and I've had to drink the bitter cup as a consequence. But unlike the Isrealites who wised up, I blamed God for the cup as well. I'm stupid and I'm sorry.
I don't know where God's taking me. I can't see around the bend. I dont know how much longer I've got to circle the promised land but I've been reminded tonight that there is something out there. It's going to put a big smile on my soul and I know there are angels waiting and watching like Ashton Kutcher hidden cameras. Yeah, that's right. God is Punking me and one day he's going to come out and say, boy did you look stupid going through all that. And we're just going to laugh and laugh and laugh...
Any time now, Lord. Joke's getting kinda old...
12. More from Yancey...
Was reading at lunch about how Yancy believes that the true Christian life is not lived at any one extreme or even in the middle, rather it is lived with both extremes. Huh? Well on the one hand, God woos us into relationship with him but at the same time he is (while we live) transcendent, other, apart, unknowable. The Bible is absolute truth but it's also the living word (which implies change). God knows everything that will happen but we have the freedom to disobey him. There are other examples but I'm at work and quoting out of the book is difficult.
Anyway, I was thinking about how much of my Christianity was formed through a ministry that stressed absolutes. "Right and wrong are absolutes - every choice, every situation, every thing falls under being right or wrong in God's eyes." They pointed to the ills of society and said that they were the result of a world living apart from God's design. The implication was to align one's life with right living by making right choices - read the right books, listen to the right music (classical), worship at the right churches (they had a list of suggestions), worship with the right songs (preferably hymns). Anyway, while the thought of a world ordered by absolutes was an appealing one, reality turned out to be more nuanced than that. I don't think the world is grey, rather there's dark grey areas and off white areas.
On the other hand, there are churches where anything goes. I was reading the works of someone named Robert Farrar Capon who seemed to say that everyone (and he meant everyone) was saved, they had only to realize it. I don't think he meant saved after they realized it, he mean they were saved whether they realized it or not. The job of the church was to make them aware of it so that they could stop fretting over the problems of life and live in the blessings that Christ died to give us. Now this is a gross over-simplification (at least I hope it is) of his work but it goes to show that there are some who will go to the opposite extreme from the absolutists and say that anything goes under the blanket of grace. But grace IS real and salvation is unearned. The sinner who sincerely (and who can judge sincerity) repents after stumbling for the trillionth time is just as forgiven and he is still saved even while he is sinning for trillionth and oneth time.
Once I got to the point where I stopped buying into the absolutely absolute view of the world I started searching for a new paradigm, somewhere between there and the loosy-goosy cheap grace of Capon. But there really is no middle ground and so for a long time, I didn't know where I stood. Yancy, however, says that the only answer is to embrace (or at best live with) both extremes. I like this alternative because it's adventerous, it's flexible, malleable. I like having options. Don't ask me to pin down a point between the two because they're both true and both in effect.
Anyway, I wrote this in three quick spurts (between my supervisor's watchful eye). I have no idea if it holds together. I'll try to write something more coherent tonight.
randall
Anyway, I was thinking about how much of my Christianity was formed through a ministry that stressed absolutes. "Right and wrong are absolutes - every choice, every situation, every thing falls under being right or wrong in God's eyes." They pointed to the ills of society and said that they were the result of a world living apart from God's design. The implication was to align one's life with right living by making right choices - read the right books, listen to the right music (classical), worship at the right churches (they had a list of suggestions), worship with the right songs (preferably hymns). Anyway, while the thought of a world ordered by absolutes was an appealing one, reality turned out to be more nuanced than that. I don't think the world is grey, rather there's dark grey areas and off white areas.
On the other hand, there are churches where anything goes. I was reading the works of someone named Robert Farrar Capon who seemed to say that everyone (and he meant everyone) was saved, they had only to realize it. I don't think he meant saved after they realized it, he mean they were saved whether they realized it or not. The job of the church was to make them aware of it so that they could stop fretting over the problems of life and live in the blessings that Christ died to give us. Now this is a gross over-simplification (at least I hope it is) of his work but it goes to show that there are some who will go to the opposite extreme from the absolutists and say that anything goes under the blanket of grace. But grace IS real and salvation is unearned. The sinner who sincerely (and who can judge sincerity) repents after stumbling for the trillionth time is just as forgiven and he is still saved even while he is sinning for trillionth and oneth time.
Once I got to the point where I stopped buying into the absolutely absolute view of the world I started searching for a new paradigm, somewhere between there and the loosy-goosy cheap grace of Capon. But there really is no middle ground and so for a long time, I didn't know where I stood. Yancy, however, says that the only answer is to embrace (or at best live with) both extremes. I like this alternative because it's adventerous, it's flexible, malleable. I like having options. Don't ask me to pin down a point between the two because they're both true and both in effect.
Anyway, I wrote this in three quick spurts (between my supervisor's watchful eye). I have no idea if it holds together. I'll try to write something more coherent tonight.
randall
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
11. faith and dobut
I'm reading this book by Philip Yancey called _Reaching for the Invisible God_ and it's all about the stuff I've been thinking (and writing) about lately. One of the best things (so far) about the book is that it doesn't try to answer the questions I have about God, rather it gives suggestions, hints, clues, choices which I find comforting. I'm pretty sure if he were to say, "here's steps one, two, and three of how to have a vibrant relationship with God," I'd throw the book out the window - that's not the kind of relationship I want to have.
Anyway, one of the things Yancey suggests is that the question, "why," is not a very useful one when it comes to understanding one's situation because the question is a backwards-looking one - it forces one to focus on the path. While "why" is the most obvious question it turns out to be a futile one. More useful questions might be something like what am I to learn from this situation, how is this helping me to grow, what is this bringing out of me?
In a sense (and now this is my bit, not Yancy's, so if it's bunk, don't blame him) the question, why, is a trap - it doesn't go anywhere and in the grand scheme of things (and remember, the universe is 158 billion light years wide...that's a pretty grand scheme) we probably couldn't understand why even if God were to try and explain himself.
So here's where faith comes in. Faith says, "I don't understand but I'll keep going anyway)." I'm still digesting that idea but it does seem to make sense.
Anyway, it's a great book. I'll probably be writnig more about it in the days/weeks to come. Until then,
God Bless,
randall
Anyway, one of the things Yancey suggests is that the question, "why," is not a very useful one when it comes to understanding one's situation because the question is a backwards-looking one - it forces one to focus on the path. While "why" is the most obvious question it turns out to be a futile one. More useful questions might be something like what am I to learn from this situation, how is this helping me to grow, what is this bringing out of me?
In a sense (and now this is my bit, not Yancy's, so if it's bunk, don't blame him) the question, why, is a trap - it doesn't go anywhere and in the grand scheme of things (and remember, the universe is 158 billion light years wide...that's a pretty grand scheme) we probably couldn't understand why even if God were to try and explain himself.
So here's where faith comes in. Faith says, "I don't understand but I'll keep going anyway)." I'm still digesting that idea but it does seem to make sense.
Anyway, it's a great book. I'll probably be writnig more about it in the days/weeks to come. Until then,
God Bless,
randall
10. Job, the guy not the career
So I was thinking about Job yesterday and I was struck by the way that God didn't really answer any of Job's questions but still, Job was satisfied with what God did say - which was basically two things: who are you and this is who I am. Anyway, I got to thinking about how I've got all these issues with God and I'm confused, and I don't understand, but I still believe in God; and I'm wondering if I'm open enough to hearing from God. Am I only listening for the answers to my petty questions or am I keeping myself open to hearing whatever it is that he wants to say?
I know the correct answer is to keep myself open but at the same time I don't know how to let go of the nagging questions I do have. It's not like I'm holding onto a bag of questions that I can just let go and let fall to the floor. It's more like they're tatooed to my arms. They've faded a bit over time but I can't wash them off. And everytime I raise my hands to do something for God, I notice them.
Okay, I've got to get ready for work. I thought I posted something last night but I was so tired by the time I got home I probably hit the "Cancel" button by accident. I don't think I deleted anything profound...or maybe I did. Oh well, life goes on.
I know the correct answer is to keep myself open but at the same time I don't know how to let go of the nagging questions I do have. It's not like I'm holding onto a bag of questions that I can just let go and let fall to the floor. It's more like they're tatooed to my arms. They've faded a bit over time but I can't wash them off. And everytime I raise my hands to do something for God, I notice them.
Okay, I've got to get ready for work. I thought I posted something last night but I was so tired by the time I got home I probably hit the "Cancel" button by accident. I don't think I deleted anything profound...or maybe I did. Oh well, life goes on.
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