tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12676056.post2278002624181388585..comments2023-10-09T09:35:28.278-07:00Comments on The LoneTomato Stand: 284. tell me about love (part 2)The_LoneTomatohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08460131548407301707noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12676056.post-55508823814154008462007-12-29T05:46:00.000-08:002007-12-29T05:46:00.000-08:00Thanks for all your thoughts, rjg and autosmiler.....Thanks for all your thoughts, rjg and autosmiler...oh, yeah and leo (who do you think he got those books and DVDs from?)<BR/><BR/>The way our "modern" world handles love and dating has to be the most dysfunctional in history.<BR/><BR/>Maybe smiley is right, we should just get set up to get married. But there's NO WAY I'd let my parents hook me up.<BR/><BR/>Maybe we can get Quest to set up an event where all the singles put their names in two big hats (guy hat, girl hat) and PE can draw names and pair people up then marry them on the spot.The_LoneTomatohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08460131548407301707noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12676056.post-86817875500274137162007-12-29T00:47:00.000-08:002007-12-29T00:47:00.000-08:00I applaud and admire your openness. It's led rjgin...I applaud and admire your openness. It's led rjgintrepid and me to get "lost in your thoughts", so to speak, by following one link in your blog to others you reference within them.<BR/><BR/>I did want to go through them before commenting, though, in case something I wanted to say were redundant or irrelevant. Thanks for inviting us to share our two cents -- here are my thoughts.<BR/><BR/>At first, I got the feeling you were trapped in the "Christian nice-guy" syndrome, whereby you're typecast as the nice guy who's fun to hang out with but not date. I do know a lot of guys like that (including my older brother), except b/c they are in my cohort, they are approaching 30. They are extremely shy and never had a girlfriend, but as their personalities unraveled through time I saw that they would make the most devoted, ideal husbands. Strong Christians, intelligent, with good jobs, funny (once the shyness is overcome through friendship), and so loving in their own way. That is to say, they live with servant hearts, and you get a feeling of being appreciated for your company. <BR/><BR/>That doesn't quite answer your question about what love is, and I don't propose to have one. I bring up about my brother and my friends because I got the sense that you felt alone in being a long-time singler. In fact, it goes beyond "Christian Nice Guys" as I also have several single male friends who are not Christian but intelligent and nice nonetheless. Perhaps they're single still because they are also characterized by nerdiness. I've not had deep relationship discussions with them, but I suspect they fall prey to the same (appropriate) need of having high standards. And let's face it - there aren't a lot of girls out there who can talk obscure video game references or HTML code with the best of them. <BR/><BR/>High standards in themselves are a good thing. It shows you care about who you want to open yourself up to; it is a vulerable, brave act, which should reflect the respect you have for yourself. On the other hand, one-on-one relationships in my past [and believe you me these were very few and far between!] with guys who were less-than-standard taught me to re-prioritize my standards. Like being willing to travel/try new things; it used to be on the lower end of my needs spectrum, but it's moved to one of the top spots. I wouldn't have known it was so important to me until I was with someone who didn't feel the same way. So in the end, I find myself caught in the mixed mindset of dating questionable men (not in the give-me-the-creeps way, but in the doesn't-fit-all-my-criteria way) to find out if I've got my head and heart aligned adequately, versus staying available while waiting for Mr. Right to approach/appear. <BR/><BR/>Again, I veered off the direct topic of love, but it fits in there. Isn't love mutually created and embellished through time and effort? I don't have the references to support this, but I have heard occasionally that prearranged marriages have the smallest divorce rate. "Fiddler on the Roof" comes to mind. <BR/>-----<BR/>(Tevye)<BR/>But my father and my mother<BR/>Said we'd learn to love each other<BR/>And now I'm asking, Golde<BR/>Do you love me?<BR/>...<BR/>(Golde)<BR/>Do I love him?<BR/>For twenty-five years I've lived with him<BR/>Fought him, starved with him<BR/>Twenty-five years my bed is his<BR/>If that's not love, what is?<BR/>----<BR/>So, if that's the case, why have standards beyond "acceptable"?<BR/><BR/>One more topic I wanted to hit on, and then I promise to stop this rambling comment. RE: being content with singleness.<BR/><BR/>I blogged back in October about the same thing, except I did use the word "happy". I am in the camp that when bonded with someone, your entire day/life is no longer your own. I've often wondered if I truly am happy with being single so that I do have that kind of freedom, or if I try to convince myself that I am happy so that I don't feel as lonely at nights when I want to cuddle, or dining alone. Or when hanging out with the "ands" (e.g., Jeff AND Jen). With my busy schedule (full of things I personally want to do), I don't see how I could fit in a boyfriend b/c I see relationships as a big responsibility.Autosmilerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00724047545715265339noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12676056.post-32763547039761118262007-12-28T17:20:00.000-08:002007-12-28T17:20:00.000-08:00Thanks for the honesty Randall. Personally, I als...Thanks for the honesty Randall. <BR/><BR/>Personally, I also struggle with the being single thing, the lack of healthy relationships. I have indeed been in two romantic relationships, but as my mother said, "they were characterized by abuse and neglect, respectively". So I don't know what it is to be in a relationship where I am truly loved for who I am, and treated in a loving way.<BR/><BR/>I can read the Five Love Languages and rank each one according to what I would like. I can say that my family is loving, my friends are fabulous, I really am okay as a single person. But you are right, there is a type of love we are missing out on. <BR/><BR/>As a girl, it is even harder because there's this whole "should a girl ask a guy out" thing involved. I really would rather not do the asking, but wonder if that means I will be always alone, wondering what guys are thinking. Yes, expressing love is hard, and wanting others to express it when they won't or can't is harder.<BR/><BR/>I go back and forth, having hope, then deciding I am not going to hope anymore, then back to realizing that I can't give up on true love in the end.<BR/><BR/>So put yourself out there, Randall. Don't give up. The trying and the waiting and the hoping might be difficult, but hope, like love, is never an easy thing. But I think it will be worth it in the end.rjgintrepidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12460505683074410659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12676056.post-56333653261240816942007-12-17T12:02:00.000-08:002007-12-17T12:02:00.000-08:00I know Darwin's got a big stack of books and DVD y...I know Darwin's got a big stack of books and DVD you can borrow!Leohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07150973583593536322noreply@blogger.com